The Thinking Other Woman

What you should know BEFORE your affair.
 

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What's currently happening in my life and what I think about all this now.

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WHAT THE FUCK????

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on September 22, 2021 at 10:45 PM

OK, I'm thoroughly confused.

This is the THIRD time someone on a mobile has come on the site, not gone to the main blog page and searched, or gone to any other page, and entered the site straight on one of the messages I posted up here for him, then gone straight to the other,

Google Analytics tells me this person is in PARIS. 

PARIS. What the fuck???

How are people doing this? Going straight to these messages without coming in on the home page or even having to search for them? As if they've got them bookmarked or something.

Is this him, and he's got some way of masking his location? (He IS a computer guru, so if anyone could do that, it's him.)

Universe: 


WTF?????

On the relevant posts I have left the following message:

OK, dude. Come on. Really?? An addendum posted 9/23/21

 

 

Dear Sweetheart (Name withheld. You know who you are!),

 

 

 

Google Analytics informs me someone keeps visiting this post and the other one I made to you when I noticed you were visiting here and reading my blogs. The locations, however, are wildly improbable. Maplewood, NJ, I can see. Mobile, Alabama and Paris, I rather doubt.

 

 

 

Either people in these locations are interested in my messages specifically to you for reasons I cannot fathom (and finding these posts by some method of occult divination, since they do not perform a search to find them), or ...

 

 

 

... this is you. Hiding behind a VPN.

 

 

 

(Yes, computer-stoopid though I am, I figured out what these are.)

 

 

 

If this is you, you need to understand that I am on the point of giving up on you. No relationship is no relationship. I post to you and you won't even speak to me. You just scat like light. Patience has ceased to be a virtue.

 

 

 

You also need to understand that I cannot and will not contact you without your permission, even though I have your email and your phone number, and obviously, I know where your facebook is. I don't have that permission, so other than a public post like this, you will not hear from me.

 

 

 

And it's getting really hard to justify posting to you, or about you, any more.

 

 

 

I wished that something could have worked out here. I really did. I knew this person was going to behave exactly as she did, and you sounded very unhappy when we last spoke four years ago.

 

 

 

But four years is a long time, and you never came back. What do you expect me to do but finally give up on you, move on, and just write you off forever? I didn't want to do this. I really, really didn't. My therapist has refrained from rolling her eyes at me hanging on and not giving up on you, but, her patience is soon to be rewarded.

 

 

 

Turns out that the immortal Rhett Butler was right. Even the most deathless love can wear out.

 

 

 

When you let things go for years and years, eventually they're gone. That ring on your left hand? That's the relationship you're in. I've had to accept that.

 

 

 

I am not angry at you. I'm not angry at anything that's happened. I really needed some deep personal growth I didn't even know I needed, and that's what's transpired over these last seven years. Do you know, we first started talking almost seven years ago? I was so happy then. I really was. I think you were, too.

 

 

 

I always knew you as the most brilliant mind, and the kindest and sweetest person. I wish you weren't so codependent. I wish you didn't beat up on yourself.

 

 

 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. There never was. All of that is that worn-out tape of parental neglect playing over and over and over: "I'm no good, I'm no good. Everything is my fault. No one will ever love me. I mess everything up. I'm unlovable, I'm repulsive ..."

 

 

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, STOP IT.

 

STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!!

 

 

I loved you, and you ran away.

 

 

 

I understand why. Family is important. I don't have a family. I had to cut mine off. The difference between us is you were willing to keep acting a role in order to keep yours, and I wasn't.

 

 

I guess the awfulness was just a matter of degree. But one thing I learned from acting and acting and pretending and pretending to be what my family wanted from me over so many years was this:

 

 

If you have to act a part in order for them to love you, do they, in fact, really love YOU? Because, if they did, wouldn't they care about your feelings?

 

 

Mine didn't, and that was very apparent, so I left. I know your situation is different. Children live forever in the home they grew up in and they don't want to leave it, especially if they were happy there. It's hard for them to make an adjustment like that. And grandchildren are precious. Especially a new grandson. Congratulations, by the way.

 

 

 

Always know that I will always love you. But, no means no, running away is running away, and eventually we have no choice but to take no for an answer.

 

 

 

If you log on here and I know you've seen this and you run away again, I have no choice but to accept a final no as your answer. I can do that, and I'm ready to just write you off and move on. I've had enough of waiting and hoping for something that will never happen.

 

 

 

You're always welcome to speak to me. You're welcome to come back to the place where we met, as well. I'm not there much now. I've come to understand that I simply can't do what the others are doing, and there's no point wasting my time anymore. From time to time I drop in to say hi, but more and more that's just a sad place for me, and one I've had to leave behind.

 

 

 

I still see us there: the naive kid I was, thinking I could make a career out of fan fiction, and this incredibly smart, nice guy who wrote nonfiction and wanted to write a novel. I see all of us, hanging out at Starbucks drinking coffee and talking til 11 o'clock at night. I had never had real friends before that. Those were some of the happiest times of my life.

 

 

And my husband. I remember him.

 

 

A lot sure has changed after over twenty-two years. But the love and the memories will remain.

 

 

 

I expect I won't hear from you or see you lurking here ever again, since all you ever do when I post you anything is run. So, I expect that this is good bye.

 

 

 

Please take care of yourself. Know that I am grateful for all I've learned from knowing you. I will always care about you and wish the very best for you.

 

 

 

Love, me.

 

 

 





First Day of the First, Last Window.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on September 15, 2021 at 7:35 PM

Either: The cards and the major line of transits are all right, he really does miss me, and he’ll let me know that either in the next 45 days, or approximately a six week window in May-June of next year… or that’s just incorrect and it will never happen.


 

I’m betting that it will never happen. I haven’t caught this person lurking online (that I can reasonably prove) in over six months. The far more likely scenario is he just realized all he was doing was upsetting me and leading me on, he knows he will never leave that marriage, he decided to quit checking on me because it was just causing problems, and now he’s hanging his head alone in his in-law suite hitting himself with a pain stick or something. “Now I ruined her life, too. Boo-hoo, I’m just no good, I always knew I was no good, blahblahblah …”


 

I hope not. Since I’ll never see him again, I really, really hope the reason is they finally came to Jesus. He kept after her about pushing to have more his way; he kept after her about being more responsive and actually showing feelings and knowing what they are; maybe they went back to counseling. Maybe he actually came clean and said something like, “You know, I was so unhappy I really thought about leaving you for someone else.” Maybe she really did become more honest in showing feelings this past year and they really will revitalize their marriage and spend the rest of their lives together happy.


 

One can only hope.


 

However, my guess is more than likely not. There was just no pressure on that woman or that marriage to change. And, unless most people have a very compelling reason to do all that difficult work, they stay in their comfort zone, do what’s always worked for them, and things stay the same. Especially when you have an entire close-knit extended family working overtime to make sure everything stays in their comfort zone, too. (“Not happy?! What are you talking about?? But you're my daddy, you've always been happy!” )


 

And we know this guy is a COWARD. Coward, coward, coward. The whole world could come down about his head and he’d never do anything to risk his family’s approval, especially his daughter’s.


 

Truth to tell, if codependents like this had even so much as one tinytiny sand grain of their own approval, they wouldn’t need so much of everyone else’s.


 

I expect that this is over, and you will never see me write on here about hearing from this person ever again.


 

Frankly, I don’t believe anything in my upcoming transits is going to come true. Not the good stuff, anyway. Supposedly, I was to have some kind of renaissance year with writing next year. I doubt that very sincerely and am on the point of giving that up permanently.


 

I was supposed to have had some grand idea and worked and worked and worked and worked. Well, I had the grand ideas, all right, but I’m assured my novels are nothing special. I don’t get good comments on the last one AT ALL. Where is there any sign whatsoever that I’m any good and should continue?? There isn’t one.


 

I’ve done better on Medium. Considering that there’s some six million people subscribed to it, to be in the top 1000 writers is an achievement I’m proud of and something I always wanted to do and despaired for two years of ever doing. My infidelity publication on there is the best collection of writing on the subject, I think. And fuck knows, with a sleazebucket like “The Scarlett Letter” on there, they needed something thoughtful and inspiring.


 

But it’s never going to be lifechanging money. I will never be able to quit my job doing that. In fact, I’m kind of running out of ideas. As time goes by and I get used to living all alone and never expecting to hear from this guy ever, ever again, this will all just fall away. Soon it will be ten years ago, I will have forgotten all about it, and I won’t be writing about this any more.


 

Supposedly some “big opportunity” was supposed to arrive. I was supposed to see or receive some opportunity and take it, and it was supposed to work out wonderfully and make me very happy.


 

I do not see this opportunity. I do not have this Grand Idea. None of my grand ideas has worked out, and I think it’s time I stopped disappointing myself by having them.


 

Nothing is going to work out for me that hasn’t already worked out. If I’m ever going to be happy in this life, I need to radically change my self-concept from some larger-than-life person with some ridiculous call to glory to a very simple little old fat lady, living a very simple life of day job, chores at home, and my own physical care. Maybe I can read a little from the classics or watch some old movies from time to time.


That’s going to be about it.


 

This whole past twenty years has been one long exercise in humility and in finding out I’m not who I thought I was. I made up a prettypretty story about how extraordinary I was going to be because I had chosen a career that didn’t look like a good fit and was terrified I wasn’t going to make it. I needed a way to keep family proud of me. Because they didn’t love me, so being proud of me was the closest to it I was ever going to get, and remember, inside I was still six. And I needed to be a huge, HUGE success in order to feel good about myself, because I could never feel good about anything as a pudgy old lady doddering around the house doing chores and that being the extent of my life.


 

Well, guess what! It’s the extent of my life!


 

And, you know what? It’s pretty much the extent of every old person’s life and the way human beings spend the end of all their useful days on this earth. (Except most people had kids, so they have grandchildren and family.)


Then come the days when we can’t take care of ourselves anymore, and life shrinks even more. Then we just sit, and others have to feed, dress, and bathe us.


And that’s where I’m headed.


And I just have to accept that.

 

The best thing I can do for myself now is shrink my mind to fit my circumstances. Because my circumstances were never going to enlarge to fit me. It’s time I understood that, and made myself very small and very humble and very simple.


What other choice do I have? If some “opportunity” is out there for me, that I’m actually good enough for and can do, it’s going to take sharper eyes than mine to detect it.

 

Humans really are tiny, simple creatures, after all. Dust we are, and dust we shall return.

 

It’s best if we give up impossible expectations and realize that.

 

So, goodbye, Chi. Forty-five days from now, I will come on here to report that I never heard from you. And you are out of my life for good.


Goodbye, dreams. According to tons of transits coming up in 2022-2025, Something Big was supposed to have happened. I’m pretty sure nobody’s going to notice me in some name publication or on a bookshelf somewhere, at any time in this life.

 

My only job was to accept these facts and stop being upset about them.

 

So, I’m going inside to prepare dinner now. And I accept that this is my simple life.

 

Bye-bye.

 

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on September 8, 2021 at 11:35 PM

Looking along the long vista of transits I've researched, we're reaching the point of no return pretty soon, here. Even other people's card readings are saying the same thing. The next six to eight months are the fork in the road.

We've gone so long without speaking, we're on the point of just giving up on this connection. Which would make sense to anyone; I know I am. I mean, let's face it: When you haven't seen someone's face in six years and haven't spoken to them in four, it's reasonable to assume you will never see or hear from the person ever again. Especially when every time you catch them lurking and you post them a message, they run. And then you don't catch them lurking (that you can be reasonably sure of) for six whole months.


This is the fork in the road. Either someone's bold enough to speak, or we just lose hope and give up.


We have more transits for getting back together than we do not (many more, in fact), but, every outcome is there. Including the one where I really am alone for the rest of my life. (It's only one transit through 2024, but still).


Card readings are all over the place. I get everything from "This person really wants to come back and is just afraid to speak," to "This person still loves you, but this is just too much for him, he can't do it, and you're going to have to be healthy, give up, and learn to walk on alone from now on," to "This can come back together again, but someone's going to have to talk up, and it's going to have to be you."


And, you know, I can see how all of these can be true. Simultaneously.


I don't want to lose him forever. I don't want to lose him forever because I was too afraid to speak. 

 

Yet, I can't speak to him.



His last words to me (well, his second-to-last words to me) were that this marriage wasn't his north star, but because he was afraid of being disowned by his family, he was choosing to stay there. That registers with me as, "I am choosing to stay married." The reason does not matter. Choosing to stay married is choosing to stay married.


I cannot hear from a married man that he is choosing to stay married and contact him again without his permission. I don't care what however many oracles say, they might be wrong. I don't think so, but they might be, and if they are and I speak to him again, I have no idea what I'm disturbing over there. I could be distinctly unwelcome, or my message could be discovered and cause a lot of trouble. So, even when I'm advised to, I can't speak to someone whose second-to-last communication was, "I intend to stay married."


Yet, I don't want to risk losing him forever when things might have worked out, because I was afraid to speak up. What to do?


And the only reason I can write that at all was the last thing he said to me: "I love you."


If it's still true, and I have reason to believe it is, I have to do something. It's very seldom that tarot cards tell you to act.


So, I did the only thing I could do. I did a facebook search to see if he's posted any photos. There's only one I am allowed to see. It's a meme. I'm sure he photoshopped it himself. It's funny and witty and so HIM.



I "liked" it.


That's all I can do. I can't speak to him. I can't post him anything. I can't email him, and I sure as fuck can't call him. This is the only picture he's posted that I can see since January, and all I can do to get his attention is "like" this photo. That's all I can do.


I've left him things on my "other" profile (the one I used when I was dodging political arguments on facebook with my brother.) I know he used to read that feed all the time, because he told me so, and also because that's how he found this website. I posted her yods tab information link, and I'm pretty sure that's how he found this place.


I've had a copy of The Age of Innocence forever. I once had a whole dream of what life with him would be like--which I've now put aside, because one should never prescribe someone else's whole life for them. That's controlling. Real love just enjoys the person for what they are. But one part of that dream was reading old classic books together, and watching old classic movies. I grew up with my nose in a science book and I missed out on so many things that formed our culture. But he is so well-versed in so much classic literature, movies, and so much eclectic music, I always felt like a dodo next to him. I always dreamed that he'd teach me, and we'd enjoy these things together as I learned and made up for all I'd missed.


When it became clear we weren't going to be together, I reasoned if I wanted to know more about these things, I'd just have to do it by myself. And I passed a copy of this book and bought it. It's been lying dusty on the floor ever since, waiting for me to read it.


This week, for whatever reason, I picked it up. I had no idea how appropriate the subject matter.


Today I finished it, and then I watched the movie.


I put a link to the movie up on facebook, together with the message. "You can still turn around." If he sees my memory jogger and then he looks up my facebook page, he will see this message and know I'm still here and that it's okay to contact me if he wants to. That's all I can legally do. I can't do any more to reach out. If he notices the like and he's tempted to scroll my facebook page (he doesn't come here anymore), he'll see what I hope will be an unmistakeable message.


I hope he does. But, I can't expect much, since he's been scarcer and scarcer online, especially over the past six months. He may have seen my "Resources" post and believed I was mad at him.


All I can do is hope.


Today, a week away from the first "window" I might expect to be contacted in, I spread my own card deck out on the floor and did my own readings. Me, him, her, for the next year.


And got the same message I have been getting since the beginning of this year. All that really changes is the timeframe, as the specified dates inch closer and closer.


What are the odds of that?


This message always tallies with the dominant line of transits in the astrology, which makes me happy.


But, it doesn't have to happen.


We might know before Halloween. Or, possibly, the six weeks of May 2022 into the first half of June. Beyond that, it's highly unlikely we'll ever see each other again, because we're already into the window of time where that should be under way if it ever will be.


I've said these things before. However, it's clear to me now the 2018-2019 transits were part of the timeline we would have gotten if I'd said yes back in October 2017. This is a different window.


It's also the last window. We would finally get together in 2024, but that could never happen without things being set in motion for that sometime very, very soon. Divorces, as we all know, take time.


I will say those readings made me very, very happy. But, I need to be prepared for them not to happen.

What is my life going to be like if they don't?


I have to say, probably not much. I'm doing pretty well on Medium right now; I've made several thousand this summer. But, infidelity is a niche topic and I really can't expect to make lifechanging money or change careers off that. I could if I were a licensed therapist, but I'm afraid my degree is in the wrong field. And there's only so much of that kind of thing I can write anyhow.


I have given up on ever being a published novelist. My novels are bombing on Wattpad. If you can't give it away free you sure can't sell it, and why go through trying to self-publish and sell something no one in my writer's group liked, that no one on Wattpad reads?


So, whatever the rest of my life will be, it won't be writing.


The very thought of dating makes me want to puke. NO, I do not want to spend hours of dull time interviewing strange men for the position of "boyfriend." I had my husband, I had Chi, and I'm spoiled for other men. I suppose there could still be one very, very special one out there somewhere who isn't married who could hold a candle to these two. But, if there is, I am not going to go looking for him. I really can't imagine such a person and I don't want him enough to go through all that crap. No, thank you.


As far as I know, I will be stuck in the house alone indefinitely. Covid is here to stay and I don't want to get sick. I probably got exposed a week ago. So far, I'm fine, but I'm older, and I am fat, and I have a cardiac arrhythmia. I'm scared of getting covid even though I am vaccinated, so that means I will probably be in the house by myself or trying to get some exercise outside ... by myself ... or trying to grocery shop socially distanced ... by myself ... for the rest of my life. Due to the general idiocy of the human race, I expect covid will be here forever and probably become more and more deadly. So, that's pretty much the end of any kind of life for me.


I've pretty much started old age early. I'm only fifty-three, but I've already got the old lady body, the old lady lack of energy, and the old lady stay-at-home, shut-in lifestyle.


At least I live in a pretty place to be. My old condo is hideously run down, and sadly I will never have the funds to remodel, but the place I live is wooded and on a creek, and we have a lovely pool surrounded on two sides by trees. From one of the tables you can see the flowing creek. The trees screen out the apartments on the other side of the creek pretty well and it's almost like living in the woods. What I can't do remodeling I've spruced up with white string lights and a little water fountain I love.


Today it rained, poured rain, and from where I sit on the couch, it's like looking out at a forest in the rainstorm. I think that the rest of my life, until it's nursing home time, will be like that ... sitting alone admiring the sun in the trees or the rain coming down outside. Going to work for as long as I'm able, doing simple chores in the house, and being glad I live in this natural setting. Spending the rest of my days in simple contemplation.


What a far cry from the life I used to hope I'd have! But, in the end, this is all anyone really has. If they're lucky.


If he doesn't come back, I have to find a way to make this simple life of chores and solitude be enough, and not to be sad any more. Sadness won't do any good. If the window passes and it's clear he will never come back, I have to accept the life and the things I'm given. I won't be a writer. I'll end my days in the work I've always done. I'll do simple chores and admire the view outside until social services notices I'm too old to care for myself any more and carts me away.


The good thing about it is that I won't have to try anymore. I can't be a writer. End of story. I can stop struggling now and stop being sad about it and beating myself up. I don't have to do that any more. I can put that away. I can't win Chi. End of story. I can stop struggling now and stop being sad about it and wishing things were different. I'm in the life I have now, until I die. There's nothing more to struggle and strive for. If I can ever retire, I can just put my head down and rest.


Once I've dusted and run the vacuum, of course. Then I can just lie on the sofa, put my head down and rest, admire the beautiful trees outside, and wait for the end of my life.


Fifty-three turns into seventy-three and eighty-three in the blink of an eye, anyway.


I gave both writing and this person the best that I had. If other things got in the way, or my best wasn't good enough, I'm sorry.


Now it's time to stop torturing myself over things that can't be changed and just live whatever I have left.

People Shouldn't Say Tarot Is Useless.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on August 19, 2021 at 12:45 AM

 

So I've stumbled onto this YouTube channel where this cute little gay guy does some brutally honest tarot readings. Among some interesting concepts: This is a spiritual connection where the goal is personal growth and becoming healthy, not romance, and only if we heal enough do we get the romance. For Chi, the obstacle is lack of self worth, but for me the problem is this misconception of love as being pining and devotion instead of caring enough about myself to create a happy life for myself. You're just supposed to move on to create a happy life on your own whether this person ever shows up again or not, because if you don't you make them responsible for your happiness, which puts a terrible burden on them (witness the situation he's in now; same thing, right??) and you're just this wounded bird person who doesn't know how to live.


Oh, and "divine timing??" "WHEN YOU'RE BOTH HEALTHY ENOUGH." Which very well COULD be never, because if you're never healthy enough ... then "divine timing" is never.We're supposed to learn to nurture ourselves and to talk to ourselves the right way first. These pieces are what's missing.



Interesting reading, because the fact is, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY ANYMORE.


 

How I was "happy" most of my life: I absorbed from my parents that I wasn't good enough for their approval the way I was, so to be loved I had to "do stuff," like choose the career they wanted, make the best grades, and emotionally baby my mentally ill mom. And I hung onto most of that stuff.


 

Now in later life I see that you can't choose an unrealistic goal like self-supporting as a novelist, because only like five people on the entire PLANET can do that, and not only am I on the brink of old age and never got the kind of breaks I would need, but I'm just not good enough to do that. So making a goal like that and then beating myself up when it doesn't come true won't work.


 

So I've learned enough to stop trying to make goals in that manner. Which leaves me with the question: What IS the right way to decide what to do in life? What's worth doing? And, since I set aside this idea of "happiness" being success and approval from other people, what does make me happy and how am I supposed to find that?


 

So all this advice to make myself happy in my own life is nice, except ... I have no idea HOW or WHAT, so I guess I'm just at a standstill here. How am I supposed to do this?? Because workingandworkingandworkingandworking DOES NOT make me happy. Especially if it's on an unachievable goal. I mean, sure, I could pick a goal like "Publish a novel" or "Lose 100 lbs" but I would never get there, and I would be unhappy with the results. IT FEELS MISERABLE TO STRUGGLE AND STRUGGLE AT SOMETHING YOU CAN NEVER, EVER DO.



And I don't want to do that. But figuring out what I DO want to do?? A work in progress, or, more specifically, a work with NO progress. The old things don't make me happy and I've wisely given them up, but no new things are here. Except the same old life in the same old work in the same old job and the same old household chores. What was I supposed to find, here???


I haven't got a clue. I've learned to lower my expectations way, way, way, way, way down. But, when you have ZERO expectations, that makes it hard to set your sights on anything. You know you can't accomplish the lofty goals most people set and then dash themselves on the rocks, so what's the point?


It would be nice to find something meaningful AND fun. But if no one will ever see it, how can it be meaningful? And at this point in my life, I've worked and worked and worked and worked myself to death for so long, I don't even know what fun is anymore.


All of these are truths, prompted by a tarot card reading by a cute little gay guy, so don't say tarot ain't worth nuthin.


*Interestingly enough, I keep hearing that this is "divinely protected." Meaning, we will accomplish the goals we meant to in this lifetime. So ... that would imply ... 

No Comment.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on August 15, 2021 at 6:50 PM

Me:

Creative Process spread. 

(I hate the William Blake tarot, but that's what I ended up with.)

Creative force behind the process: Imagination card.

Emotion: Two of poetry.

Thought: Energy card.

Manifestation: Angel of painting.


Chi:

Twisting Path spread.

First decision: The Empress, reversed.

First false path: Heirophant, reversed.

Second decision: Hermit, reversed.

Second false path: Seven of swords, reversed.

Possible destination: Strength, reversed. (Figures.)


Rory:

Fourfold vision spread.

Object being viewed: Eight of swords.

Physical vision: Hermit, reversed.

Mental vision: Five of swords.

Emotional vision: Page of swords, reversed.

Unseen aspects: King of wands, reversed.


Me and Chi:

Creative process spread.

Creative force: Four of pentacles, reversed.

Imagination: Ten of wands, reversed.

Emotion: King of pentacles.

Thought: The magician.

Manifestation: Queen of cups.


Chi and Rory:

Cross and Triangle.

Prime energy: Strength.

Process of thought: Ace of cups, reversed.

Motivations: Six of wands.

Emotions: Ten of swords.

Position in life: King of pentacles.

One of two opposing forces: Queen of cups

Second of two opposing forces: Temperance

Reconciler: Page of wands, reversed.

Final outcome: Ten of cups, reversed.


2022--Or, You Will Feel Brilliant For Moments At A Time

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on August 11, 2021 at 1:40 PM
***Note: I had originally elected not to publish this for a while, if ever. But then
I realized the process of contemplation and the realizations it led me to are 
important even if the events alluded to never occur. If nothing else, the post is
a cogent example of how things like astrology and tarot, used correctly, can
aid personal growth. All that really matters is whether or not we heal from 
childhood, not whether or not a relationship happens or stays. Healing from 
childhood is all we're really here for.

So, I'm holding my breath, and I'm ... posting it anyway. If you think I'm an idiot, 
I'm fine with that.

Here goes ...

The Great Revelations of 2022

 

 

At the time I am writing this, it is 9:38 pm on August 9, 2021. I’m

not going to post this unless it actually happens. If I do and it

doesn’t … people will think I’m crazy.

 

Background: Once upon a time, when the married guy I thought I

was destined to be with forever dumped me, I was desperate to know

if I’d ever hear from him or see him again. Enter astrology.

 

 

The fact that many aspects in our charts predicted he’d be back in

October 2017—AND IT HAPPENED—intrigued me enough to start

studying the discipline. It turned out astrology had many accurate

things to say about all of our characters and why the affair had

happened to begin with.

 

 

I was sold. Hence, this website. You can see some of the other work I’ve

done. I do read for other people, but mostly, as you can see, for myself.


I think I am strangely gifted in that way. Most people who read things

like tarot cards and astrology report they can’t read well for themselves,

only for other people.

 

 

I think I read better for myself. Which is a good thing in this situation.

 

 

When I realized astrology wasn’t just crap, I saw a timeline of transits

beginning in 2018 that clearly traced the affair we could have had if I had

said yes when the guy came back in 2017 as predicted. It was a VERY sad

situation that showed me hideously, painfully DUMPED in 2020. I was

struggling to make him ready to leave, and he wasn’t ready to leave. I also

saw that if I allowed that affair to go forward, I would be greatly hindering

the personal growth of the guy, who, as a hideous, hideous codependent,

sorely needed some personal growth. That isn’t how you treat someone you

say you love.

 

I also did NOT like the transits I saw myself going through last year into

this year. Silly me. I thought if I just didn’t have the affair, I wouldn’t get

dumped, and then I wouldn’t suffer.

 

 

It didn’t matter. I suffered as much over the fact that he didn’t come back

after we said goodbye as I would have over any continuation of an affair.

 

 

Okay, I guess not having the affair mitigated it somewhat, but it was still

so-depressed-I-can’t-even-get-off-the-couch bad. Throw in a running

injury that refused to heal and throwing my back out, and I was pretty

much immobile last fall into this past spring.

 

I thought I could escape. Ha … ha … ha.

 

 

Ahead there was always the specter that things could change. After 2023,

there are a lot of transits reflecting a huge change in their relationship.

Specifically … it breaks up. One party is left reeling, stunned, struggling

to understand what happened. (As if he hasn’t been struggling to reach

that woman for decades.) She has a few little whispers about a good

relationship … but they’re greatly overwhelmed by the sheer number

of bad-relationship transits, and the farther toward 2030 you go … the

fewer and fewer of them there are. The other party is in a second

relationship, where he either makes great strides, recovering from

codependency and reaching satisfaction and happiness before he

dies; or not recovering and the second relationship is just as bad as the first.

 

(I will say here that my observation is that, when a good relationship starts,

your transits will tell you about it. If you’re having relationship problems,

your transits will tell you about it. But, in my experience, when my

marriage was going well, I didn’t constantly get transits talking about what

a great relationship I was having. My transits concentrated on the areas of

my life that were giving me problems, instead. So, it’s entirely possible that

their marriage turned a corner and will stay good, and the transits just

don’t feel the need to remark on it over and over into the 2030’s. Transits,

it seems, are for guidance, and you generally don’t need guidance with the

things that are going well. However, in this case I don’t believe the happy

relationship transits, and I’ll tell you why in a minute.)

 

Tell you what … these are some Big Reasons for me to do my goddamned

work and recover as much as I am able. Sick people hold each other down

and keep each other sick. I intend to get well, and kick the ASS of anyone

I’m with I notice unhealthy behavior in.

 

But … where did this 2024 relationship start? (Or, restart?) That was

murky and hard to see. Were all of these transits holdovers from where

we could have gotten together in 2015 or 2017 … or were these transits

reflecting something current??

 

 

When I initially did this work, I didn’t know any astrology at all. All I really

knew how to do was buy computerized reports by people known to be

reputable, and use what I knew about relationships and psychology to look

for patterns. To save money, I went from the 2010’s to the 2040’s, buying

reports every three years.

 

I skipped 2022.

 

 

Since 2022 is right around the corner, just now I went ahead and looked.

 

 

What I see is fascinating.

 

 

The wife’s transits reveal a dramatic split next year. On the one hand, she

has very rewarding relationships, a lovely time in whatever career or

vocation she’s currently pursuing, and a great family life.

 

 

On the other hand …

 

 

Oh, dear.

 

 

I’m seeing things like: “Unwelcome maturation—seeking unhealthy fusion

in a relationship and suffering a powerful loss. Unhealthy things in the

psyche coming home to roost. Sudden unexpected events disrupt security.

Consequences of past choices. Unrealistic/blind to own behavior. Broken

dreams—forced to get real. Uncomfortable with change. Upheaval—hurled

into the unknown. Need to heal old wounds.” And this stuff greatly

outnumbers the goody-goody-good stuff.

 

Doesn’t sound like fun, does it?

 

 

WHAT THE FUCK???

 

 

And, WHICH IS IT?

 

Here’s the thing:

 

 

HE’S ALREADY TOLD ME.


And here's how I know:

 

When a bad marriage turns good, any affair partner becomes Public Enemy

Number One. The marriage partners close ranks. The Other Person is

persona non grata. The cheating party becomes accountable, doing anything

to reassure the spouse he/she is no longer cheating. The marriage is front,

center, and sacred, and the formerly cheating party is full of regret, only

has eyes for the spouse, and doesn’t want a thing to do with other people

ever again. However ...

 

Turning a bad marriage good takes several years in counseling. Several

tough, tough years of hard, hard work. Especially when there’s an affair

involved.

 

 

That work was supposed to start in 2016 … when Someone We Know

had excellent emotional work transits, yet decided to act like she really

didn’t want to be there.

 

 

Especially with the childhood emotional neglect these two had as kids,

that marriage would have taken all these years of work to start turning

really good again next year. And the reason I understand this is what it

takes is through Jonice’s Webb’s excellent books, and a few other

therapists', as well. (Maybe if they’d had a therapist trained in CEN,

this would have all been different.)

 

BUT: What’s actually been going on?

 

 

2017: He comes back and tells me how the therapy actually went. 2019,

every once in a while he pops up online.

 

 

In spring 2019, once I had started to give up on him, I felt a fervent wish

that I could know he had no hard feelings. Two days later, I’m bored in the

middle of an online astrology class and I post something on Facebook. I’m

sitting there staring at the screen and his name pops up. He likes what I’ve

posted. Then, five minutes later, he takes it down.

 

 

Not the kind of thing you do if you’ve reconciled with your wife. If you've

reconciled with your wife, you're not looking at your affair partner's facebook

page.

 

 

Then I figure out how to work Google Analytics, and I discover that he’s

reading all my blogs. I post him something and he disappears. But, he claps

for something I’ve written on Medium last August. And this was blatantly

obvious, because there was NO way of mistaking his Medium profile.

 

 

Months go by … then I realize SOMEone’s reading all my blogs again, from

November of last year to February of this year, from a mobile phone in

different locations so I can’t track where he’s logging in from and figure him

out by location. But the pattern of going directly to the blogs every two or

three days is the same. He’s staying only a few minutes each time … but

he’s going there sometimes twice a day, even on Christmas.

 

 

I post him something and he scats again.

 

Really, there’s only one person this could be.

 

 

This is NOT the behavior of someone who’s happy at home. And it goes all

the way through from 2017 to last February. When the resurrection of a

marriage and the repair of a relationship would have taken all the

dedication and all the focus all that time. Especially if things were getting

better. And 2022, according to their transits, was supposed to be the big,

breakthrough, “Whew! Everything’s okay now!” year. I could have

(and before this, did) interpret their other good transits as meaning

healing could still occur last year, two years from now, on into the future,

but now I see this big peak. Surrounded by the dung they will fall into if

they didn’t ascend that peak.

 

I also see that someone’s gone DIRECTLY to the two messages I left him

on this blog twice this spring and summer. Who the fuck else would know

these are even there? This person goes directly to one—not to the main blog

page and then to it, but directly to one—then directly to the other, then

directly to the first one again, and exits after two minutes or so. Once from

Maplewood, New Jersey, and once from Birmingham, Alabama.

 

I can see the Maplewood one, because I know they have family there. The

Birmingham one? I can only guess. I can see one good reason for this person

to visit Alabama, but that reason is in Mobile, not Birmingham. I can find

no evidence that he’s been there, however. If the client ID numbers were the

same I would know it’s the same device, but they’re not. I do suppose it’s

possible for a person to get a new phone. But, Birmingham, AL??? Yet, who

the fuck else would know exactly where these posts are and visit them like

that, in that order, and not read anything else?? Looking them up directly,

and never coming back?? Whether these last two suspicious visitors were

him or not, however,

 

He’s been telling me the whole time that things were NOT getting better.

 

 

I just didn’t understand what was going on, and I kept expecting him to

speak and getting more and more upset that he wasn’t, even when I posted

him something.

 

 

Now we have this huge SPLIT in her transits. Anyone care to guess which

leg she’s on??

 

There are splits in our transits, too. Not as obvious, but they’re there.

 

 

Basically, something is going on that we’re either handling well, or handling

poorly.

 

 

On the Handling Poorly column, him:

 

 

“Insecure about your right to be loved as an individual. Friction with

family/played old roles so long you have to help them understand you are

changing. Need to learn to be healthily self-centered. Scary time/vulnerable

to criticism. You see where you’re restricted and need change. Bitter about

the past.” Oh, and several transits are screaming, “You need to

heal/supposed to heal/Heal, or you will do this again in another relationship.”

 

On the Handling Well column, him:

 

 

“A break from the past. Accepting your own and other people’s limits with

more objectivity and less drama. Ready to shed old masks and patterns,

Feb 2022-Nov 2025. 2021-2024, struggling to survive and change direction.”

 

On the Handling Poorly column, me:

 

 

“Confusing communication. Your concepts of love don’t fit your needs/you

want things you shouldn’t. Can make a wrong decision. A sad relationship

conflict/expecting too much from self and others. A child dragged from the

womb/feels hopeless and horrible. Closing a cycle—leaving behind fantasy

world aspects of relationships. Some battleground where you have to let go

of control. Wounded and bitter about relationships. Passive and don’t want

to do anything. Angry and bitter about a loss. Angry about limits. Changing

philosophy to find meaning in suffering.”

 

 

On the Handling Well column, me:

 

 

All the good “new professional opportunity” stuff is over here. AND:

“Could have new relationship that helps you understand love. DO NOT

IDEALIZE IT. Faith in life. Possible new relationship in the end of 2021

that could be unstable. 2021-2025 An overidealized relationship leaves,

but if it’s fundamentally a healthy one it can make it.”

 

Oh, and I forget to mention …

 

 

On his healthy leg, same dates: “Could establish a good, supportive,

consciousness-raising relationship.”

 

HERE’S the beginning of the 2023 and forward stuff I couldn’t find the

beginning of.

 

Now, look at all those good-relationship transits his wife has. How do I

know these aren’t with her?

 

Because he’s been telling me all along, that’s how.

 

 

AND THAT IS ALL THOSE LITTLE "VISITS" WERE FOR.

 

I just didn’t know that, because …

 

(And here’s where other card readings I’ve been getting lately are

REALLLLY becoming useful!)

 

For the past … well, my entire LIFE, actually … this has been me:

 

 

When a child is little and unable to see the world accurately/care for

itself/understand and regulate its own emotions, a loving parent is

supposed to be there to externally “make the child’s world right.”

While we learn to orient ourselves and feel like the world is okay

even as tough things happen, the parents are supposed to be the

cheerleaders in our corner, letting us know we are good enough

to be loved, modeling appropriate behavior, always there to support

and help. Always there to pick us back up again. That way, when

we’re older, we’ve learned how to pick ourselves up, and that we’re

good enough people that we should.

 

 

NONE OF THE THREE OF US HAD THAT.

 

 

So WE’RE ALL THREE DOING THE SAME THING:


Looking for our relationship partner to give unconditionally to us the

way our parents were supposed to, with no needs of their own. Looking

to our relationship partner to make our emotional world right, so we can

grow up the way we needed to grow up when we were little.

 

Only, um … we’ve missed that boat. I’m 53 and he’s going to be 63. It’s a

little late for mommy and daddy to be able to do anything to emotionally

coddle us and baby us into growing up. We have to grow up ourselves.

 

THIS is why all my card readings lately have been saying things like:

“You keep having this attitude that you’re living in the future waiting

for this person to come back and make your life better, going, ‘When

this person comes back, life will be so good and THEN I can be happy.’

And that’s an unhealthy attitude because it makes this person feel

responsible for your happiness and it’s too much for him to live up to.

Especially since he feels not-good-enough for you to begin with. You

need to fix this in you if he’s ever going to come back, because it’s too

much for him to deal with (actually, it’s too much for anyone to deal

with.) And you need to fix this if he doesn’t come back, because you’re

going to need to find the capacity for happiness on your own.”

 

 

This past March, I used my own deck and did my own reading for the

next year, and repeated the same for him and her. These all reflected

SOMETHING happening this fall and me being VERY unhappy after

that, with perhaps something else cropping up next spring/summer that

felt better. But I’m miserable in between, and this is why: I believe I’ll

never be happy without him, because I, like his wife, am like a little child

mentally picturing this and that way he’s going to do this and that to

make me “feel right.” And I’m just hanging all happiness on HIM. I

repeated this spread twice more over the summer with the last reading

two days ago, and the only thing that really shifts is it gets closer and closer.

 

 

THIS IS WHY.

 

 

I’m overidealizing what a life with him would actually be like, making it

the environment I needed when I was, like, two, and when he shows up,

“visits” me online, and won’t talk, and especially now that he’s staying

off my website and I haven’t seen any hard evidence that he’s around at

all for the past six months, I think he’s forgotten all about me and I’m

distraught. Because I’m picturing life with him as SO much better than

anything I could have on my own.


(And, in fairness, when your husband dies and all your writing falls so

completely flat you think you’re a failure, you’re injured and you can’t do

anything but lie on the couch and there’s a pandemic so you can’t go

anywhere anyway, it’s easy to do that.)

 

 

And I only got pieces of this mosaic without the current card readings and

the ‘22’s.

 

 

Oh, and the explanation of “divine timing?” When you are ready.

 

 

Which you’re not, if you’re still picturing your own life as a desert

wasteland and yourself as a tiny child who needs a parent figure to

make her feel okay all the time. Which was why I felt so desperately

lonely after being widowed and the Universe deliberately foiled all

attempts at finding other people. I wasn’t supposed to find any other

people because this needed working out, and if I found other people

I would just sink right back into this approach to life again and I

wouldn’t learn or heal anything.

 

(Reasons I have Saturn in the eighth house negatively aspecting

EVERYTHING: A huge transformation in my life I’m very restricted

and having horrible difficulty making, which delays everything until

I get it done.)

 

 

Oy.

 

Now I have the ‘22’s and everything falls into place. He wasn’t supposed

to be back any sooner than this. The affair transits from 2018-2020 went

with what happened when I could have said yes in October 2017 and

didn’t. Now I’m seeing, Here’s where the healthy relationship could

happen if it’s going to, and here’s what you’re doing that’s going to

destroy it and here’s why. I’m hearing that somebody’s going to show

up in the next few months and that could possibly work out … if I’m

not doing this “baby-me” bullshit I so despised in my mother when I

was growing up and in the wife now.

 

I’m also hearing that if I shift my attitude, it’s going to help him shift his

attitude. If I don’t shift my attitude, I’m pushing the whole thing towards

desperately unhealthy.

 

 

I tend to believe all of this, and at least that it was the original plan,

because the other things I’m hearing about this time in my life are true.

Such as, I’m getting a good long rest—and I have been resting a lot,

when I’m not at work—and that I’m bathing in water a lot and water

will help my spirit. It’s summer and the pool is open. We have a

beautiful pool here, overlooking a creek and surrounded by woods, and

if the pool is open, it’s not raining, and I’m not at work, that’s where I

am. I try to work up to swimming 50 laps around it every summer. After

the past year of injuries and immobility, I think it’s the best way to work

back up to exercise. And swimming around that pool, especially in the

late afternoon when the sun moves around and makes the tree leaves glow

like emeralds, always lifts my spirits. Also that this was a “necessary

depression” and that now I am at the end of a big cycle in my life.


(Thank God, because this was HORRIBLE.)

 

 

Other things are a bit more difficult to believe, given the lack of visible

evidence. Such as the “news” that this person realizes he’s made a mistake

and wants to speak to me, but keeps talking himself out of it due to fear

of rejection/fear of not being good enough. Those are hard to believe, given

that he’s not even hanging around on my website anymore that I can prove

beyond reasonable doubt … but, with this astrology, they’re not impossible.

 

Again, this doesn’t HAVE to happen. It’s entirely possible that something’s

changed over there such that this “appointment” we had isn’t kept. In this

eventuality, the relationship really is over. We’re into the point in time

where it could have gotten healthy and worked. If he doesn’t show up,

the soul contract is over. It’s time to stop putting all my visualizations of

ever being happy into the box marked “relationship.” Things turned

around with writing. I can just forget this guy and move on and let life be

whatever it is it’s going to be.

 

 

If I don’t do that, I trash anything that could happen and that is very, very

dangerous. Because that leg where he leaves her, we get back together, and

it goes unhealthy is there, and it ends very, very badly.

 

 

Basically, the universe has been waiting for the signal from me that I am

able to make this turn. So I’d better fucking make this turn, or I trash my

own life. And let me tell you, the “You’ve trashed your own life” transits

I get in my seventies?? They’re BAD. BAD, BAD, BAD.

 

She gets them in her middle seventies and they are unrelieved by any ray

of light. He gets them in his early 80’s and they sound so bad I wonder if

he’s got Alzheimer’s.

 

 

WE HAVE THE CHOICE NOW NOT TO MAKE OURSELVES

THIS MISERABLE.

 

 

And it’s time to get on the fucking stick.

WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 22, 2021 at 1:45 PM

Hi. I know I write about studying the occult in respect to affairs a lot and most people believe it's crap.

However, mulling over what a reading says has, on occasion, CHANGED MY LIFE.


I realize now that both of us are working on developing and mastering FEELINGS OF WORTH.


I have to master feeling worthy in what I want to write and put out in the world. But all I ever got was No's. I mean, when your writer's group hates your novel ... oh the fuck well, right?


So, I decided I was all wrong in wanting to be successful as a writer. I had done it partially because I wasn't loved by parents and in a sick family as a child, and I was trying to do something to be GOOD enough for my family to finally love me the way I really am.


I had to blow myself into wanting to be this huge, huge, huge, HUGE success because that's the only way my family would ever forgive me for not wanting to do the job I said I'd wanted to do since I was four.


And I tried, and the world said no, and I tried, and the world said no, and I tried, and the world said no, and I tried and the world said no.


I took this to mean that I was no good. That it was a worldly lesson in pride and in overblowing my opinion of myself. And, partially, it was. I need to understand that I am not J.K. Rowling. I'm just a simply little old lady like all other little old ladies.


BUT, that wasn't the whole story. The fact is, I DO write things of value. I'll never make enough money for that to be my living, but I DO write things of value. I have made several thousand this year so far from that, and I had a chief editor from a website I already belong to want one of my articles only to find out ... Um, I already have an account with you guys ...


But I had given up on myself, and I had given up on writing. I was no good and would never amount to anything. So, when it appeared to me that my person was just not doing his work in his life and I would never see him again, I was doubly defeated.


I had only two things in my life: The hope of that relationship, and the hope of being a writer. And now I had nothing. No hopes. All I had was the day job I will be doing for the rest of my life, and the fact that I'm getting old, I will one day lose my health, and then will come the nursing home, and then will come death.


And I had NO understanding of how to be happy under these circumstances. I thought being healthy meant: 1.) I HAD to accept this person was never coming back, which meant 2.) I HAD to completely forget all about him and find someone else because that's what healthy people do, 3.) I had to accept that I'm just an ordinary person with no talent who should just give up writing because no one wanted mine, so 4.) I had to just cram the life I have now down my throat, because I had to give up on everything else. This guy fell down on the job and will never come back, and I'm really shit as a writer.


And that was really, really depressing. I just have NO energy for life anymore. I'm looking at the life I have without this person and with writing gone and saying, Yuck. And there's no way out of the Yuck. I don't want any other person. I didn't want to do anything else. And all the universe can say to these things is No.


In listening to this reading last night, the thought occurred to me that "finding happiness on your own" didn't mean I had to find someone else because that's what a healthy person would do, or that forgetting all about this person is what I HAVE to do, because that's what a healthy person would do. It just means putting attention on and developing other areas of my life and being happy with those. And it CAN be writing, because clearly it's not hopeless.


And that's what I am SUPPOSED TO BE DOING, and not trying to move on by developing other relationships. I can't do that; I love this person and I don't want anyone else.


I'm not supposed to HAVE a relationship; I'm supposed to be developing my relationship to worth in areas other than relationship in romance or to other people. And I need to go back and examine this aspect one more time. It's good that I got this lesson about humility, but that wasn't the only lesson.


CONVERSELY, my person's work on developing and mastering FEELINGS OF WORTH is in the area of, WITH OTHER PEOPLE instead of in the area of worldly accomplishment as mine is. It's pretty clear as this person is hideously codependent and tappity-tappity-tap dancing to do, do, do, do for adult children and family members, and judging his worth by what others think and how happy he is making THEM.


And we're apart because:


If we were together, I'd be USING HIM to bolster going out and striving in the world with writing. "I can go out and try this because this wonderful person believes in me and if I'm rejected, I can come home and this person will still believe in me." This is what your parents do for you when you are three. I am not three. I am fifty-three. P.S., I DID do this with my author husband. (When you have an award-winning writer believing in you, it helps.)


If we were together, he'd be USING ME to bolster his feelings about his worth in relationship because, as with his family now, he'd be looking at me and measuring whether he's lovable or not based on how I act/react/treat him, etc. etc.


AND WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.


When babies are little, and small children are growing up into bigger children, our brains are not at all fully formed. They are still developing and THEY ARE BEING PROGRAMMED. Babies are born in hypnosis brainwaves and they stay that way until like, age four. Really.


When our baby brains are being programmed, THAT is the stage in which parents can treat us as if we have value and ACTUALLY SUCCEED IN PUTTING THE FEELINGS OF VALUE INTO US.


You can do that with a kid, and the kid will absorb the feelings as his own. The kid will grow up in the feeling of self worth.


When we are adults, we are already programmed. We keep trying to go to other people and "ask" them to program us better than our parents did, but it's too late.


THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN CHANGE THE PROGRAMMING WE ALREADY HAVE IS US.


He can't come to me for feelings of worth. He has to change and develop self-value on his own.


"Am I still worth love if my daughter asks me for money and I say no and she's angry?"

"Am I still worth love if I decide I want to spend the rest of my life in a relationship with someone more giving than my wife and everyone else is angry because my marriage looked good TO THEM?"

"I'm not worth love so I have to do these things, or I won't have anyone at all!"


I can't get feelings of worth from him.


"Well, my SO believes in me so I can handle all this rejection!"


That is what we do when we are six and we don't get chosen for the school play. We come crying home to Momma and she holds us tenderly and dries our tears and lets us know SHE loves us no matter what.


When we're adults, WE ARE MOMMA. WE are supposed to have the capability to do that our own selves ... and, that's why we're apart.


So engaging in THAT is what's meant by, "You need to learn to become happy on your own."


What I've been afraid of is that we'll never see each other again and if I'm happy on my own, I won't care anymore. Or he'll come back and I won't want him anymore. (Not true after six years, but I'm afraid of it anyway.)


Why does it have to be that we come together just in order to learn all these hard, hard, hard, hard lessons ... and that's it. These things never, ever, ever, EVER come back together ... EVEN when the marriage is horrible, EVEN when the spouse has expressed NO interest in changing such that the marriage can be OK ... too bad!


The Universe has dictated that us two are never supposed to be together, and oh, well, boo-hoo.


I'm not happy with the Universe at all over that one. Not at all.


Fine, I'm learning the goddamned lessons! Why can't the love ever work out and the answer always has to be no???

                                                                          ******


Lastly, WTF is meant by, "This union is divinely protected?" I keep getting that over and over and over. "Divinely protected ... divinely protected ... divinely protected." 

Huh??

OK, it's just to spur you to learn difficult, difficult, difficult, difficult self-reprogramming lessons, he'll stay married forever, and you'll never see each other ever again so you might as well just GET OVER IT ...

But you're "divinely protected."

WTF???

 

And Heeeeere's Why Astrology Can't Predict Outcomes 100% Of The Time!

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 1, 2021 at 9:15 PM

So: I left the last couple of messages on here. And I see where this person came on, saw the first one, and scat like light. If he's been back since, I can't pick him out on Google Analytics.


Yet, I keep getting ALL THESE READINGS that suggest I haven't seen the last of this person, and that there is MUCH more to come.


(And I'm like, Yeah, right. After six years ... what married man EVER comes back?? NOBODY.)


Looking at the astrology here, this person is coming up on a PILE of transits that talk about personal growth, finally making progress on old psychological problems, struggles and problems in a longstanding relationship ... the majority of his upcoming transits sound like that. AND ... this fall, Mercury transits our Davison's Mars AND Mars transits our Davison's Mercury ... at the same time.


Communication. Assertive communication.


But those aren't ALL of his transits. He has a couple that sound as if things are just fine. And a few that sound, STUCK.


What I am learning from all this is that this connection is primarily a spiritual connection. And spiritual connections don't necessarily HAVE to be made real in this life. They include a lot of FREE WILL and PERSONAL CHOICE, therefore ALL the possibilities will be there, and you just don't know what the person will choose.



It's nice to see personal growth ones in there, and nice to see a good strong thread of so many of them ... but remember, way back in 2016, when Someone We Know had a good string of transits about getting therapy and doing some serious work on childhood issues that were messing up her marriage, and it didn't happen?



These things DON'T HAVE TO HAPPEN. And it's really important that we understand that, when it's a spiritual connection with a person with a lot of childhood issues they aren't inclined to address. When transits are all over the place, there's a lot of free will involved. And that nobody but the chart owner can control.


IF he showed up, I think that double Mars-Mercury up there is a good bet (and now I see why my reading on May 28 strongly implied fall, but IT DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN.


So that leaves me guessing. Hmm. Kept coming back and lurking, from the time we broke up all the way until last February: Tends toward yes. Disappeared when I posted a message and hasn't come back: Tends toward no. Relationship was six years ago: Tends toward no. Last I heard, marriage relationship was still crappy: Tends toward yes. We didn't hang onto each other; we didn't stay together: Tends toward no. I just had a card reading that said this was completely unpredictable and not controllable at all by me. DUH!


Oy. Who wants to spend the rest of their life like this? Sad to say, folks, if you get involved with a married person, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, this is what it's going to come down to.


And I DO mean DOWN.



Life tends not to give you what you know how to do with. If he showed up, I feel confident in my ability to navigate that situation. (After all this work, let's hope so!)


But, these transits have been going for six years now. I will allow, some three years of them were in the thread where he came back in 2017 and I said yes: so there you go. I had a choice there, I could have used those transits, and I turned the opportunity down, so I just voided a whole string of transits that spanned three years. (And it was a good thing, too, or this year would have been way, wayyy worse.)


BUT WHAT ABOUT AN ACTUAL LIFE?

It's been an awful six years, on the whole. I don't feel like I wasted my time for most of them, because I had a LOT of childhood emotional problems left over to study and solve. And I was doing that for most of those six years.



But I'm kinda done with that. As far as my eyes can see, the relationship is over. Whatever metaphysics may tell us, nothing I can see with my eyes implies that this person is anywhere in my future, ever, ever again.


For a relationship to happen, the person has to actually SHOW UP.


Where does that leave me? Because I don't have anything even remotely resembling a life.


It's been covid-19 and I've been too scared to go anywhere. So, I've basically lived alone on the couch for eighteen months. Being injured and laid up didn't help.


I have no like-minded soul-tribe friends. I don't want to date anymore. (Who would want to potentially put themselves through THIS again?) I've become a lot more realistic about my prospects for a writing career: I don't have any. Next month, I will be fifty-three years old. The time for looking merrily ahead to dating, getting married, and setting up housekeeping is over. I'm looking at old age and decline. Next stop: Nursing home.


It's been hard because my life has been such a disappointment. When you're a kid in an abusive home with a mentally ill mother, at least you're a kid. You can look forward to things getting better when you're older. But I'm too old for things to get better anymore. I mean, come on. What's going to happen to me, other than maybe cancer, or a heart attack?


I don't even really like people anymore, or care to meet anyone. I don't click with most people I meet. And the sheer ugliness I've seen over the last election cycle from people who tend to vote Republican has really sullied my faith in humanity.


I'm basically going to go to the day job, go home, and do chores until I'm too old and sick to do those things anymore, and then I'll be in a shitty nursing home (as long as we don't reelect Dump and he doesn't abolish Medicaid and Social Security), and then I'll get sick with something and that will be it.


Not much to look forward to, is it?


I try to remember that I've finally found a job I can deal with, and that most days the job is good. I try to remember that I'm finally making enough money. Not so much that I'll actually have a retirement, but enough for today and some to put away for tomorrow. I try to remember that I really like where I live. It's CHEAP, which is important these days. It desperately needs remodeling, which I will never have the money to do, but I have a gas fireplace (I always wanted a fireplace and never thought I'd have one), it overlooks a creek and it's beautiful in the summer, and there's a big, beautiful pool alongside said creek, and I love to swim.


If you have to just putter around a small condo and not do much, this is a great place for that.


I need to learn to be perfectly, ecstatically happy with what I have, because I will never have anything else, and I need to appreciate what I have, because I'm going to get old and lose it all one day.


So, I'm trying to learn how to do that. Just being content with what I am and what I have. It's hard when I remember how happy I was once, and what I had once hoped to have. But I have to do it, because one thing my horoscope points out--and I quite agree--is that I had such a shitty childhood I expected wayyy too much from the world to try to make up for the fact that my family didn't love me.


You have to be realistic about what you can have in this life. I'm just an ordinary, fat little muffin of an old woman, and I really can't expect too much from what's left of my life.


But I did an awful lot of work on myself. I've gotten so much healthier than I was.


When you're a little kid, your entire feeling state is based on what's outside of you. Little kids are like, Is my mommy there? Am I safe? Can I play? Is TV on? Cartoons? Toys! And if you take that toy away, I'll cry! Parents have to literally PUT the right feelings into the child.


And to grow up is to grow out of that. When people in nursing homes are happy, it's not because of what's outside of them. It's because of what's INSIDE of them. The older you get, the less the world gives you to be happy about. You can't even be happy about your own body anymore, because it's old and fat and wrinkled and falling apart.


Why don't I just be proud of what I made of myself and content to just have what there is?


It's the only game in town.

Tarot

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 1, 2021 at 6:25 PM
Me: Hagall spread. Reveals the path of spiritual growth in difficult situations.

Central issue: Knight of Cups. (Really?)
Something you did to bring the situation about: Six of Cups (yes, that's right.)
My beliefs, impressions, expectations: Six of swords reversed (and so is that.)
Most likely outcome: Ten of wands (at least it isn't upside down.)
Spiritual history/things I've learned: Wheel of fortune. (Hm. I don't know about that.)
Spiritual tasks and challenges: Queen of wands reversed.
Metamorphosis of the spiritual situation: Six of wands. (I doubt that, but at least it isn't reversed!)
Person or qualities sustaining the journey: High priestess reversed.
Qualities I express in this circumstances: Four of Swords.
Person or qualities revealing spiritual knowledge: The World.

Chi: Creative process spread.

Creative force behind the process: Nine of cups reversed. (No shit.)
Prophetic image that stems from the first card to initiate the project: King of Swords reversed. (Uh-oh.)
Emotion: Six of swords. (Hm.)
Thought: Seven of pentacles reversed. 
Manifestation: The Emperor. (Let's hope so.)

Rory: Fourfold vision: Different ways of looking at a person or situation.

Object being viewed: Eight of pentacles. (This would be a first!)
How the object is seen at a base level: The Devil.
Mental vision: Four of pentacles.
Emotional vision: Page of wands reversed.
Unseen aspects of the object: Seven of pentacles reversed. (And that, too.)

Me and Chi: The Three Fates.

Past: The Tower. (Well, they've got THAT right.)
Present: Justice reversed
Future: The Star. (I'll believe that when I see it.)

Chi and Rory: A relationship spread.

How he sees himself: The Empress.
How he sees his partner: Three of cups, reversed. (*snicker*)
How he feels about his partner: The Devil, reversed.
Standing between them (keeping them apart): Two of pentacles.
How she sees him: Ace of wands reversed
How she feels about him: Four of swords reversed
Present status or challenge of the relationship: Knight of wands reversed.

Tarot

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on June 5, 2021 at 1:20 PM

Me:

Hagall Spread.

Central Issue: Eight of Swords (I quite agree.)

Something I did to bring the situation about: Page of Cups. (no shit)

My beliefs, impressions, or expectations: Hierophant, reversed. (maybe not.)

Most likely outcome: six of Swords

Things I've Learned: The Emperor

Spiritual Tasks and Challenges: Reversed seven of swords (no surprise there.)

Metamorphosis of the situation: The Empress

Person or qualities that will sustain your spiritual journey: Two of Cups (news to me.)

Qualities I express in this circumstance: Ten of Swords (sounds about right.)

Revealing spiritual knowlegde: Ace of Swords. (again, news to me.)

Opinion: Yep. The Ten of Swords is right. The rest of it? Ehhh. Maybe I'll have an idea for a new novel.

I doubt it, though.


Chi:

Page of Pentacles, reversed. (is THAT ever appropriate!)


Rory: Twisting Path. (I hate this spread, it never makes sense.)

Decision One: The Magician.

Path that may lead you astray: Queen of Wands.

Second decision: Queen of Pentacles

Path that may lead you astray: Six of Wands.

Possible destination: Two of Cups reversed. 


Me and Chi: A relationship spread.

How I see myself: Seven of Pentacles. (They could have reversed that and it would be MUCH more accurate.)

How I see him: Temperance reversed.

How I feel about him: Four of Wands reversed. Yep.

Standing between us (keeping us apart): The Empress.

How he sees me: Two of Cups. (I have yet to see any evidence of THAT.)

How he feels about me: Ace of Swords. (In what world?)

Present status or challenge: The Devil. (No shit.)


Chi and Rory: Creative Process spread.

Force behind project: Ten of Pentacles.

Imagination: Knight of Pentacles.

Emotion: the Empress reversed.

Thought: Page of Cups

Manifestation: Nine of Cups. 

I imagine this is a lot more likely than our spread!

Just Meanderings About Where I'm At

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on May 16, 2021 at 11:40 AM

Here I am staring at what has and hasn't transpired and going: What the hell?

 

There's no doubt, looking at their transits, that the ultimate fate of that marriage will be decided about two years from now. Stand or fall, stay together or leave, happily or unhappily. In the meantime, the person who so (not-so-obviously) lurked on my Facebook page two years ago, lurked here until I figured out it was him last March, showed up on Medium last August, and then back here again last fall up until I made that post in February, appears to be long gone. G, O, N, E, gone, gone-g-g-gone-gone-gone.


I have zero idea how the rest of that was supposed to occur, with a guy who lurks but never speaks, leaves and never comes back. If this goes on much longer, we'll just forget each other. End of story; oh-the-fuck-well.


Even if you read those tarot cards the other way (look up the Tower card. It ain't pretty.) there's still going to be years of the long-ass time.


I need to understand that the unfortunate factor of cowardice rules, here, and cowards aren't likely to ever speak or come back, no matter how unhappy they are. (And you'd have to be pretty unhappy to check back here twice a day or on Christmas.)


It simply doesn't matter. No is no, gone is gone, and that's that. I need to just learn to erase this person from my mind and go on and live the life I have.


I really don't want to do it. I love this person.


Yesterday I took a long drive with the convertible top down, and ate at one of my favorite little places in ... well, if I'm going to x out his location, I guess I had better not mention this one, either. It calls itself the Center of the Universe. Enough places call themselves that that you can take your pick.


It's such a beautiful small town. I didn't realize just how lovely it is until I started taking walks around there after I eat, and walking to different areas of town I've never seen before. You could have filmed the Andy Griffith show here and it wouldn't have looked more perfect.


These are the kind of walks he would have liked to take. Although we did get around to trading dick-pic kind of stuff six years ago, I realized from the quality of the relationship that this guy was just lonely. All he really wanted was someone to talk to. The one time we took a brief walk together like that, he had to cut it short because it so upset him to be walking with another woman he got sick on his stomach.


I wished things were different, and he was there with me. If he ever showed up, those are the kind of walks we would take, and the kind of talks we would have.


Unless SOMEbody overcomes her strange muteness and learns how to have an actual conversation. The visits to this website suggest that hasn't happened yet.


Oh, well. Doesn't matter.

*******

*******


It's far easier to stop looking back when you have something in front of you. Most of my life, I thought I had something in front of me. (The truth was, I never did, but I thought I did. That's easy to do when you're a kid in America, pumped full of This-is-America-you-can-be-ANYthing-you-want-to-be bullshit. Especially by parents who couldn't love their kids, but only be proud of them.)


At fifty-three years old, what's ahead of me? Nothing, really. I'm just going to go along, doing my day job, and that will be about it. I'm going to keep the house clean, of course. I'm going to pay off bills. I'm going to try to put a little something away. I'm going to start rolling up my life, get things in order for whoever will be packing up my stuff once I'm dead or in the nursing home. Make out a will finally.


And try to eat healthier and try to get some exercise. But the fact is that being flat on my back for most of 2020 due to depression, two painful injuries, and covid-19 has pretty much wrecked any hope of my body being like the young person's body I used to have.


The Big Gramma fat pads on the lower tummy and below the bra band are here. They have transformed me into a dumpy, matronly old woman. The tendency I have to get sprains and strains in places I didn't know a person could get sprains and strains, and their tendency to turn into nagging, chronic injuries instead of healing, means I am going to have to be very careful about strenuous exercise as I get older. I'd probably feel younger and better if I could work up to jogging a 6K again, but all I need to do is strain the other hip and I'm down for another year. I have way less energy than I used to.


I look like an ugly, frumpy, dumpy sack of potatoes. I feel like an ugly, frumpy, dumpy sack of potatoes. All I need now are the wrinkles, the gray, and the rest of the female pattern baldness, and old age will be complete.


Who can have a libido looking and feeling like this?


I'm pretty much done with relationships, anyway. Chi the Affair Guy was "grenadfathered" in, but after this, I can't even really envision being with anyone else. Who the heck would I be with? What would I even do with them? I really can't envision another future with a man.


And fuck knows, I do NOT want to online date! All I've ever found online was trouble, and since I have no sex drive anymore anyway, why would I do that? If you're a man and you're looking for a woman, you're looking for a lean, tight, hardbodied woman, and you're looking for her for sex.


I think I'm retired from all that now, thank you.


I believed once that I would be a novelist, and then I could be proud of myself, and life would have meaning for me as I wrote things thousands of people loved and I had fans to correspond with.


Hah. Hah. Hah.


Turns out, nobody, but nobody, but nobody, but NOBODY "gets" or likes the last novel it's taken me six years to even struggle toward the end of.


I think that idea is finito.


Worse, it never really came from me, anyhow. It came to me as I struggled with the fact that I chose the career I chose because I said I was going to do it at age four and family held me to it. I realized I was unhappy going in, but I couldn't back out, face looking like a weenie to family members who would, "She could have been a XYZ, but instead she dropped out of school!" for the rest of my life, and I didn't know what else to do then, anyway. I didn't even know who I was or what I liked or wanted.


What would have made me happy? Fuck if I knew. I've been a stranger to myself my whole life.


All I knew was, I sure had better learn to do something that would pay bills and enable me to live on my own, because I was never, never, never, ever going to go back home to live again.


And I did that. But I was unhappy, and for many years, it looked as if I would fail.


So I came up with this dream. I would be a novelist! Then, when I made good at that, my family would have that to be proud of, and it wouldn't matter that I was a failure in my career anymore. They would have something even more public and dramatic to point to.


Turns out, having teachers in elementary and middle school say you have talent and high verbal ability isn't enough. Nowhere near.


The point is, my entire life has been geared toward doing the impossible, saving impossible people like my mother (oh, and Chi, by the way), and making a big, flashy success. To prove to my family finally that I really am good enough to be loved.


Never mind that if you have to do all that, they don't really love you anyway, and, oh! I outgrew them years ago and am not even in contact with any of them anymore.


So, all the aims in my life were a six-year-old's ideas about how to get a six-year-old's developmental needs met. And none of them are going to happen. And now I'm a dumpy, frumpy old lady and I have to give them all up. What does that leave me?


This, everybody, is why people have affairs.


They don't want to deal with deep, existential questions like that. It's so, so much easier to just keep running, running, running away into an infatuation they don't have the guts to make themselves available for or to. Oh, the drama of the heartbreak! Oh, the chaos when the spouse finds out! Oh, the heightened emotions of the trysts and the sex!


Fuck that. I choose to be honest instead, so I'm stuck here figuring out a declining and lackluster life.


What was I supposed to do now? Fuck if I know. The obvious answer is to just be contented with whatever it is I have to get up and do everyday, secure in the knowledge that one day I will keel over with a heart attack or a stroke, or get that terminal cancer diagnosis, and it will be time for hospice and to push up daisies, and leave this thoroughly unsatisfying existence behind.


Or I will just become too feeble to work anymore, like an old toy winding down, and then I will be too feeble to do the housework and somebody will call social services and I will spend the rest of my days regressing to childhood as I sit in a nursing home on Medicaid and look at TV, peeing relentlessly in my Depends.


This is the way of human existence. This is the way we all end up.


The problem is, I am not happy with it. Until I don't have the marbles to interface with it anymore, I wanted life to be about something more.


I just have no idea what. All I know is, every time I've picked anything out to want, I've been a six-year-old unloved by parents and family and picked on in school, struggling furiously to find something that would make people quit picking on her and want to bond with her and let her belong.


And choosing that way has never, ever worked. I don't expect it to start working now.


So, as I say goodbye forever to the one who never had the courage to come back, what was I supposed to have done next?


Fuck if I know.



Shorthand, for those who can read tarot.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on May 16, 2021 at 9:30 AM

Spread One: Me:

This is a Celtic Cross spread.

Central issue: The Devil. Obstacle in the way: Knight of Wands. Goal: The Hanged Man. Foundation: The Moon. Passing Influence: Queen of Swords. Approaching influence: Hierophant reversed. Your role: The World. Environment: King of Pentacles. Hope, fear, unexpected element: Hermit reversed. Outcome: High priestess, reversed.


Chi: Death, reversed.

Rory: Celtic Cross again.

Central issue: Seven of Cups. Obstacle: Seven of swords. Goal: Ten of Swords. Foundation: Judgment. Passing influence: High priestess. Approaching influence: The lovers, reversed. Your role: Page of pentacles, reversed. Environment: Ace of Pentacles. Unexpected element: The Fool. Outcome: Ten of Cups, reversed.


Me and Chi:

Cross and Triangle spread:

Prime energy: King of Pentacles. Thought: Hermit reversed. Motivation: Knight of Pentacles. Emotions: Magician, reversed. Position in life: Queen of wands, reversed. First opposing force: Page of swords, reversed. Second opposing force: Temperance, reversed. Force resolving the conflict between the two: The Tower. Final outcome: Knight of Wands, reversed.


Chi and Rory:

Creative process spread.

Creative force: King of Wands. Imagination: Page of Wands. Emotion: King of Pentacles reversed. Thought: King of Cups, reversed. Manifestation: Page of Cups.


Clarifiers:

Me and Chi: King of Pentacles reversed

Chi and Rory: Seven of wands.


Relationship spreads:

Me and Chi: How I see myself: Eight of Cups. How I see partner: Queen of cups. How I feel about partner: Ten of Swords. (No kidding.) Standing between me and partner: Queen of Wands. How partner sees me: Knight of Cups. How partner feels about me: Ten of Wands, reversed. Present status/challenge of relationship: Justice reversed.

Chi and Rory: How ? sees ?: Empress. How ? sees partner: Six of swords reversed. How ? feels about partner: Page of pentacles. Standing between partners: Knight of Pentacles, reversed. How ? sees partner: Five of cups. How ? feels about partner: Three of wands, reversed. Present status/challenge of relationship: Two of pentacles, reversed.




No, I'm not mad at you.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on May 2, 2021 at 7:40 PM

So it's come to my attention that on April 13, a person on a mobile phone came STRAIGHT here, went to The Resources You Are Looking For, then went to my other post where it looked as if the person in question had visited, (Will My XXXX Area Visitor Please Stand Up?), then back to the Resources post, and left ... after being here something like three hours.

Now, who would do that?

I have a pretty good idea, and I realize the difference in tone between the two posts may be somewhat off-putting.

The fact is, I have learned that if I want to tell you anything, I had better talk fast, because you show up, scat like light, and fuck knows if I'll ever get another chance. So, I wanted to transmit that, because I'm looking at your chart and that's what it's telling me.


You need to get some important psychological work done. Forget anything else I have to say, that's what's important, so that's what I posted. That's because I care how your life ends. I care about you.


You're aware by now that I don't bite. What's up? Que pasa, hombre?

Those PO'd that I'm leaving a message for the person in question on here can piss off. I just wrote an entire article on Medium about The Highest Good For All. After all this work, don't you think I'm taking that into account?

I Fought For Him By Not Fighting For Him

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on March 26, 2021 at 12:25 AM

People often wonder how I could split from my family.


My brother has bawled me out over this more than once.


I get it, I totally get it. From their point of view, you only make a mentally ill mother worse by running out on her. And I can see that — I can.


But, at some point, you have to consider your own needs.


I really didn’t have a family at all.


I started to understand this when I got brave enough to explain my real feelings about a career I felt stuck in. A career my family, for some reason, had a lot of pride invested in being able to tell others I did.


When I finally came forward with my real feelings about it, they argued with me. “No, you really don’t feel that way. You always felt this way!” Um, no, I was always trying to bend and tweak my feelings to agree with you any way I could, because I knew if I told the truth, this is what I would get.


I would talk about the reality of work. “No, it isn’t, no it isn’t, no it isn’t, no it isn’t!” How do you know? You watched a TV show about it. I’m the one actually living it!


Or, worst of all, I would get the time-honored, “You’re just lazy!” Hmm. This from a mother who never held a job, who couldn’t even drive or balance a checkbook until the age of thirty-five. Nice.


I didn’t decide to leave my family all at once. No, it took many months — a few years, I think — to realize I could leave all this behind, without a word of explanation, and not feel guilty.


Because these people don’t really love me.


People who act like this have a lot of strong feelings they identify as love, I get that. And they feel very needy for you to come back and keep on doing whatever it was they want you to come back and keep on doing.


Because of how it made them feel. About themselves, and about the family.


Because when what you do gives them these feelings they want, they love that.


They love that.


However, I realized over a long period of time, the act of loving that, is not at all the same as the act of loving me.


If my family had really loved me, they would have reacted to my distress quite differently.


When they saw me crying in church over it, a loving family would have said, “Hey, wait, stop. Maybe sit this semester out and come home and think about your major. We don’t want you to be miserable. We want you to be happy in your career, and to have a happy and fulfilling life. It doesn’t look as if you are headed in that direction if you are crying in church over it.”


Instead, I had to pretend and pretend and pretend and pretend to be whatever would make them proud.


I had to pretend to agree with my mother, whatever she had to say about which friend had treated her badly this week, which family member had talked about her behind her back, or that she didn’t feel she got recognized enough for her mission work in the church. I had to pretend enthusiasm when she wanted me to watch an Alex Jones tape three hours long.


I could never, ever, ever say what I really felt or thought. When I did, what an explosion!


And that was about the time she would say that I “had really changed.”


When she started blaming my new husband for that change, that was when I knew going no contact was no mistake.


My late husband was and is the best thing that ever happened to me. The fact that my mother could not see that spoke pretty loudly to me.


All she could see was that I no longer agreed with her all the time.


Years later, when my husband passed away, and I had a brief emotional affair with a married man who was taking the same role in his family, I remembered all of this. (Eventually. Thank heavens.)


I watched as his wife and adult children treated him a lot like this, too. At last, he had gotten enough courage up to say, “I am unhappy here at home.”


At last, he had gotten enough courage to say, “I am moving out.”


I’m sorry to say that my behavior in this situation wasn’t stellar, yet. We’d agreed not to see one another in person until he was divorced. But, once he’d moved out, we could at least talk on the phone.


I know now that people who are using other people take every advantage of those who are desperate for love, the way that people who are using other people take every advantage of poverty to underpay them.


I know because I was one of those people.


I would hear him say he wanted to get his own small house and I would argue with him. I would hear him say, “I’m tired,” and I would ignore him. I’m so sorry about that now.


I was so pumped up that this guy was choosing me over his wife that I wanted more of that. I was looking for more of those kinds of feelings.


I noticed how codependent he was … although, it took me a while to figure out that’s what it was. If he said one thing and I said another, he would swing right around to match me.


All I knew at the time was that something felt very wrong when he did that.


His emotionally cold wife finally got angry at him and blamed all the problems in the marriage on him. I knew good and well that marriage counseling was not likely to go smoothly, and that he’d be moving back into a house with someone a lot like my mother.


But, I also knew I couldn’t talk him out of it. This was something he’d have to find out for himself.


He said he needed to go back in and “fight it out with her.” And I respected that. Rather than running out on the marriage, he needed to go back and represent himself better within it, and take responsibility for anything detrimental he had done.


You’ve got to respect a guy like that.


But, I knew, I just knew, from everything he told me she’d said, that there was a colossal failure in the making.


Two and a half years went by.


My stomach would drop when happy-looking pictures went up on his Facebook feed. I was miserable without him.


What if I’d been wrong? If they got back together and their marriage was great, it’d be fantastic for them …


… but I’d feel like it was a tragedy for me.


My astrologer told me he’d be back, and she told me when he would be back. I started learning some astrology myself, and I could see another aspect that said the same thing. In class, my teacher and my more experienced classmates pulled several more aspects out of the charts that implied this would be the case.


It happened. It actually happened.


I was overjoyed. I had missed him and prayed he’d come back for so many, many months. Still, the month of October 2017 had drawn almost to a close. I had almost given up hope.


That jolt when you see The Message pop up on Facebook really does send icicles through your entire body.


I asked him to tell me all that had happened. It turned out the marriage counseling had gone exactly as I expected it would.


The guy asked to see me again. Only, I wasn’t really happy with how he did it.


He wanted to come back to the club we had met in just to see me and talk to me again. He was still unhappy, but he had decided to stay in the marriage.


His family had threatened to ostracize him if he left. He would miss his daughter too much. He would miss his grandchildren.


He said, “I made my bed, so now I have to lie in it.”


Here was my chance! I could have met him outside the club. I could have grabbed him by the throat and worked on him. Couldn’t he see that he’d made the wrong choice?


It was clear that all these people he didn’t want to lose, weren’t willing to hear or understand his pain. They cared more about how things looked to them than about how they really were, or how they felt to him.


If they loved him, didn’t they care about his feelings? Like everyone who hears about a marriage breakup, they cared more about his wife’s feelings than they did his, and they didn’t know the true story behind that marriage. (Some of that stuff isn’t fit for a daughter’s or an in-law’s ears.) But I knew it.


I also knew that no one was listening to him.


Sort of like I had neglected to do two and a half years ago.


Sort of the way my family hadn’t listened to me.


What he needed was to speak and be around people who could hear. What he needed was people who could listen to what he wanted.


And what he wanted was to stay married.


It didn’t matter what I thought of his reasons. It mattered that someone heard and respected what he wanted.


It didn’t matter that he said he still loved me and that he’d thought of me every day.


Well … it did matter, it mattered a lot. I’d loved him and thought of him every day, too. It just didn’t matter in a way that was relevant to the point.


The point that, if people really love you, they must respect your right to think for yourself.


Right or wrong, consequences or not, when this man said, “I want to stay married,” he was thinking for himself. It wasn’t my place to question his reasoning, arguing for a life I wanted for myself.


If I stepped in and questioned his reasoning, he would never question it for himself.


And the whole point is, If I love you, I accept your decisions for yourself, and I accept your feelings and your thinking behind them. Even if it makes me unhappy that I will not get what I want.


And this is something this dear, sweet man had never, ever had.


Well, I gave it to him.


I wanted to fight for him, I did. I never met anyone else. I still think it was possible for us to be happy, and I’m sorry we never got that chance.


But I fought for him in a much deeper way. He needed to believe his own wants, needs, and thoughts ought to be respected, and he didn’t.


He thought his family’s mattered more than his own, even when he wasn’t happy and wasn’t being treated well.


In doing what his family, and my family, could not do, I struck the one blow I could for his right to be himself.


And that meant more to me than sinking my teeth into his neck, never letting go, shouting over him for him to see things my way, wrenching him away from his family so I could have his company for myself.


I would have told myself, if I did that, that I was supporting his ability to be himself, but I wouldn’t have been. I would have been okay with him as long as he saw things my way.


People always assume the other woman is a horrible person. “Oh, that poor wife! Oh, that poor family!”


It isn’t that I didn’t think about the wife and family. It’s just that I prioritized his well-being over theirs. In this instance, that meant leaving him with them.


He was a highly suggestible person. I could have fought them all, and I could have won.


But in doing so, I would have destroyed him. Now, it would just be me thinking for him instead of them.


And that, I would not do.


And that’s what love is.


THE RESOURCES YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on February 23, 2021 at 12:10 AM

OK, dude. Come on. Really?? An addendum posted 9/23/21

 

 

Dear Sweetheart (Name withheld. You know who you are!),


 

 

 

Google Analytics informs me someone keeps visiting this post and the other one I made to you when I noticed you were visiting here and reading my blogs. The locations, however, are wildly improbable. Maplewood, NJ, I can see. Mobile, Alabama and Paris, I rather doubt.


 

 

 

Either people in these locations are interested in my messages specifically to you for reasons I cannot fathom (and finding these posts by some method of occult divination, since they do not perform a search to find them), or ...


 

 

 

... this is you. Hiding behind a VPN.


 

 

 

(Yes, computer-stoopid though I am, I figured out what these are.)


 

 

 

If this is you, you need to understand that I am on the point of giving up on you. No relationship is no relationship. I post to you and you won't even speak to me. You just scat like light. Patience has ceased to be a virtue.


 

 

 

You also need to understand that I cannot and will not contact you without your permission, even though I have your email and your phone number, and obviously, I know where your facebook is. I don't have that permission, so other than a public post like this, you will not hear from me.


 

 

 

And it's getting really hard to justify posting to you, or about you, any more.


 

 

 

I wished that something could have worked out here. I really did. I knew this person was going to behave exactly as she did, and you sounded very unhappy when we last spoke four years ago.


 

 

 

But four years is a long time, and you never came back. What do you expect me to do but finally give up on you, move on, and just write you off forever? I didn't want to do this. I really, really didn't. My therapist has refrained from rolling her eyes at me hanging on and not giving up on you, but, her patience is soon to be rewarded.


 

 

 

Turns out that the immortal Rhett Butler was right. Even the most deathless love can wear out.


 

 

 

When you let things go for years and years, eventually they're gone. That ring on your left hand? That's the relationship you're in. I've had to accept that.


 

 

 

I am not angry at you. I'm not angry at anything that's happened. I really needed some deep personal growth I didn't even know I needed, and that's what's transpired over these last seven years. Do you know, we first started talking almost seven years ago? I was so happy then. I really was. I think you were, too.


 

 

 

I always knew you as the most brilliant mind, and the kindest and sweetest person. I wish you weren't so codependent. I wish you didn't beat up on yourself.


 

 

 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. There never was. All of that is that worn-out tape of parental neglect playing over and over and over: "I'm no good, I'm no good. Everything is my fault. No one will ever love me. I mess everything up. I'm unlovable, I'm repulsive ..."


 

 

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, STOP IT.

 

STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!!


 

 

I loved you, and you ran away.

 

 

 

I understand why. Family is important. I don't have a family. I had to cut mine off. The difference between us is you were willing to keep acting a role in order to keep yours, and I wasn't.


 

 

I guess the awfulness was just a matter of degree. But one thing I learned from acting and acting and pretending and pretending to be what my family wanted from me over so many years was this:


 

 

If you have to act a part in order for them to love you, do they, in fact, really love YOU? Because, if they did, wouldn't they care about your feelings?


 

 

Mine didn't, and that was very apparent, so I left. I know your situation is different. Children live forever in the home they grew up in and they don't want to leave it, especially if they were happy there. It's hard for them to make an adjustment like that. And grandchildren are precious. Especially a new grandson. Congratulations, by the way.


 

 

 

Always know that I will always love you. But, no means no, running away is running away, and eventually we have no choice but to take no for an answer.


 

 

 

If you log on here and I know you've seen this and you run away again, I have no choice but to accept a final no as your answer. I can do that, and I'm ready to just write you off and move on. I've had enough of waiting and hoping for something that will never happen.


 

 

 

You're always welcome to speak to me. You're welcome to come back to the place where we met, as well. I'm not there much now. I've come to understand that I simply can't do what the others are doing, and there's no point wasting my time anymore. From time to time I drop in to say hi, but more and more that's just a sad place for me, and one I've had to leave behind.


 

 

 

I still see us there: the naive kid I was, thinking I could make a career out of fan fiction, and this incredibly smart, nice guy who wrote nonfiction and wanted to write a novel. I see all of us, hanging out at Starbucks drinking coffee and talking til 11 o'clock at night. I had never had real friends before that. Those were some of the happiest times of my life.


 

 

And my husband. I remember him.


 

 

A lot sure has changed after over twenty-two years. But the love and the memories will remain.


 

 

 

I expect I won't hear from you or see you lurking here ever again, since all you ever do when I post you anything is run. So, I expect that this is good bye.


 

 

 

Please take care of yourself. Know that I am grateful for all I've learned from knowing you. I will always care about you and wish the very best for you.


 

 

 

Love, me.


 

 

 

Original post:



Since you’re here:


 

You should be aware that I’ve constructed an internal working model of Rory based on three sources: What you’ve told me about her behavior; psychology sources that information led me to on alexithymia, emotional numbness, attachment theory, and childhood emotional neglect; and (no surprise) her natal chart.


 

If I know the resources you need, but don’t share them because I’m being manipulative and I know withholding the information could ultimately benefit me … well, that’s not ethical.


 

I can’t make you pick these up. I can’t make you use them. But, I can’t withhold them, either.


 

SO, here they are:


 

Codependency recovery (YOU need these, and you ain’t NEVER comin’ back into MY life without them):


Lisa A. Romano, codependency life coach, and therapist Jerry Wise, Jerry Wise Relationship Systems. Lots of free videos on Youtube. Fucking use them before you DIE. It’s important. You don’t want to reach 81 without having made good use of materials like this. YOUR CHART IS WARNING YOU. Therefore, so am I.


If you prefer to read: Running on Empty, Jonice Webb, and many many ACoA materials. I would especially look up The Everything Guide to Codependency by Jennifer Sowle and The Struggle for Intimacy, Janet Woititz.


 

This will tell you succinctly what you need to know about Rory: Jonice Webb, Running on Empty No More. It will also more than likely save your marriage. Too bad for me, oh, well.


For further reading: Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody. The Power of Attachment: How To Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships, Diane Poole Heller.


 

PLEASE use these fucking materials before you’re too old and senile. It will be too late then, and you will be very, VERY sorry.


Your natal chart is telling you this in NO uncertain terms. Please listen. I don’t want to see you living through the transits you will live through if you don’t do this work NOW.


 

I love you. Good luck. Take care.

 

 

Card Readings and Hopelessness

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on February 21, 2021 at 9:40 PM

So, as anyone can read, I was feeling pretty low a couple of days ago.

*sigh* If people never felt low, the occult pseudosciences would never have been developed. Because, at these low periods, we have NO answers. (If we did, we wouldn't feel as low, now would we?)


When we feel low, and there are no answers, that's when the desperate turn to astrology ... or, in my case, my fairy card deck. I didn't do a new reading. I simply looked up the notes I took on the last day of 2020, when I did my official reading for 2021.

And there it was.  "January 1-Feb 15: You're being too negative. You are dwelling too much on your age and the passage of time."

(Boy, is that the truth. I've been dealing with this hip sprain thing that's pretty much prevented me from exercising for close to a year now. So this time last year I was able to jog a 6K and this year I can't even walk half a mile. And my STOMACH looks like my gramma's.)

To continue: Feb 15-end of March: "You should be seeing your special life story, but you've lost the plot. You are caught in a fog of illusion. You're afraid or reluctant to connect with others. (Yep ... pretty sure my work is shit, so I don't want to show it to anyone anymore.) Try stringent honesty and get back in touch with yourself. (Which you sort of have to do if you're going to enjoy writing anything.)"


Here's where it gets interesting. April 1-May 15th or so: The Underwater King. The Underwater King is, of course, Neptune ... conjunct the natal sun of Someone We Know, and the marker of myriad problems in this person's romantic relationships, no matter who the fuck he's with. Curiously, we both get this same card for this same period of time.

My quick notes on this card: "You are about to receive new life energies. Will happen when you hold counsel with yourself and find the road and the choices that give you peace. Remain connected to source instead of status and security. If the inner self wants another path you will feel unwell and unhappy. You're united with source when you are at peace and nourished from within. Be on the path your heart has chosen. We get revivification for new projects and challenges once we have reached within ourselves and consulted with our deepest heart as to whether we are heading in the right direction for the right purpose. Make peace with others and the past so buried energies don't arrest your entry into a new cycle."

Makes sense, if you're a writer. If you're trying for outside kudos only, you're probably not heading in the right direction for the right purpose. Makes sense for any unhappy life situation, I suppose. After that, my life starts looking a lot better. And, I have to admit, my last four articles on Medium all got curated! (And I never get curated.) So ... perhaps I should just stick these next six weeks out and just reserve judgment about life for a while.

(Their readings ... very interesting, indeed.)

Speaking of which, I put Google Analytics on this site some time ago and am getting handier and handier with it. (One of the many benefits of paying for a YourTango membership is the classes that teach you how to use this stuff.)


It would seem that I have a user whose origin is cloaked, who comes on here every few days just to look at my blog. Sometimes they're here twice a day.

Now, here I've been saying, "I have ZERO evidence that this person even remembers me anymore. So I guess that's that, I'll never hear from the person again, oh, well."

Interesting finding, this.

If I have some OTHER stalker, it would be nice if you would leave me a note on the contact page. (Had to disable comments ... too many scammers.) Otherwise, whom am I to assume this is??  *keep scrollin' past ...



OMFG.

May I PLEASE bring your attention to the following, which I typed back on this blog in DECEMBER???


"Interestingly enough, the cards led me to look at February. Why do I have a bright spot in February in the middle of an otherwise shitty year? In February, our Davison gets hits on its Saturn from the Sun (US), Mercury (communication), Venus (duh!), and Jupiter all at the same time, together with transiting nodal squares to the same planets, AND both Saturn and Jupiter sextile and trine the relationship natal nodes."

Don't tell me astrology is hogwash.

 




                                   

The Two That Are Left.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on February 20, 2021 at 3:35 PM

So, I've posted these two timelines I saw: (No, none of them are Friends episodes)

The one where we got together in 2015, stayed together, and now it's falling apart


The one where he ran off in 2015, slunk back in 2017, and I agreed to see him socially so I could manipulate him away from Wife again. Ended in a horrible dump in 2020.


The ones I think I see that are left:



Yes, Husband and Wife can still pull it out. There's a slender thread where the rubber meets the road in 2023 and they stay together and look much happier. I get a string of "Things are good professionally, but you're alone in your life," transits moving forward from 2022 on, so this could definitely be the case.



And, the last one: The rubber meets the road in 2023 and they don't stay together. In this case, he and I still have "Happy new relationship" transits from 2024 on. Please note: These don't have to be with each other. But, if they split up, they could be.



Also note: She has a JILLION bad break up transits coming in 2023-2024. Even if I never see this guy again, she needs to look out! Her breakup transits LOUDLY shout down her one or two "Happy, stay-together" transits. LOUDLY. 


It's UGLY.



Also note: We still have bad relationship challenge transits even after this point. Even if we got together this is NO indiciation of smooth sailing.



Lots of work is required of either relationship.



"The Family That Applies Itself In Therapy Together, Stays Together."


A Timeline Theory of Astrology

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on February 20, 2021 at 3:30 PM

I noticed this when I saw that some transits I had previously seen for right now that presaged trouble are talking as if it’s an ongoing relationship.


But I don’t have a relationship. And I haven’t had one in six years. So WTF are these talking about??


Remember once upon a time when, back in 2015-2016, the relationship started, and I saw all these wonderful relationship-beginning transits there that predicted a few really good years?? And then they just petered out. And my interpretation of that then was: Well, he decided not to have the relationship and went back to his wife, so these just didn’t happen.


Well, one thing I’m discovering is that when a relationship is going well, your transits sort of shut up about it. Transits are there to tell you when important things happen, and warn you when things are about to go bad. If something is going well for you, you don’t have a transit there telling you all the time, “Things are great, things are great, things are great.” (Usually.)


 

You could have maybe one, but the great majority of your transit bandwidth is trying to guide you through the difficult stuff, and that’s why you have more tough planets than good ones and more planetary aspects are difficult than good.


 

I mean, you don’t need help when things are good, right?


So, if he’d left his wife for me then and we’d started down that road, the transits shut up for a while. “You’re going to have a good few years.”


But … now here’s all these transits talking about a relationship IN PROGRESS that’s going sour. Now, there’s bad news. I can only conclude that this is the sequela to what would have happened if we’d stayed together in 2015.


 

And I can kind of see that. If we’d gotten together then, here I was this poor widowed person, and he would have been raked over the coals in his family for divorcing. We’d have been realllly codependent and leaned on each other for a while. But, because it “looked” like it “was working,” I would have been happy enough to write this Disney princess sort of novel that might have had legs, and when I felt better I would have resented having someone so emotionally dependent on me.


And that’s sort of what it’s saying. “You changed but he didn’t.” “You want to concentrate on other things and this person is taking it too personally.” “You feel like you want things in relationship that you shouldn’t want or you have to choose between career and relationship.”


People make fun of astrology because so many times astrologers go back and affirm things retroactively. “Oh, Princess Diana died, so NOW we can go back in her chart and see this, this, and this.” Well, here’s one reason. Until I got here, I wouldn’t know I wasn’t in a relationship now, and I couldn’t hook these transits up to the last opportunity for a relationship that I did have.


Unfortunate, but true.


Looking at it this way, I guess it’s a damned good thing we didn’t go ahead then, because this timeline sucks. It. Does. Not. End. Well.


We were too sick when it started.


Which, incidentally, makes me think of a line in a relationship reading I purchased way back then: “This will look like it’s true before it is. Make sure it really is before you proceed as if it is.”


But. I said four timelines.


TBC ...

When You Foil Your Most Likely Outcome

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on February 20, 2021 at 2:00 PM

I’ll never forget the first time I lined up the transits for me, The Guy, and The Guy’s wife and looked at all of them together and digested them.


 

I thought: Oh, my God.

 

I’m this guy’s second wife!

 


 

Which made the first time I looked at him and got this strange feeling: We’re going to be married someday make a lot more sense.

 

Astrologer Aria Gmitter gives the following advice: Never date anyone you have a yod with. Which sounds very prudent, given what’s happened in the intervening years.

 

(Although … I don’t have a yod with this guy in the sense that one planet makes a yod out of someone else’s two planets. We have interlocking yods that form each other’s boomerangs. Does that count?)

 

I have to say, though, that over the years, I have made a study of all the transits affecting each person over a three-decade period. I used to think I saw only one timeline.


Now, I actually think I see four.

 

 

I jotted the transit meanings down before I had studied a lot of astrology, and I was trying to shorten them so the main themes fit on 1/3 of a page. So, I put down the meanings but I didn’t waste space writing in the aspect names. I could go back and do that now, but it would be a lot of work! If I wanted to make a formal astrology article out of this, I’d need to do that, though.

 

 

I probably will do that one day. This is my first attempt at organizing my thoughts to start making a second article on the subject. (The first one is https://thethinkingotherwoman.webs.com/mapping-your-future" target="_blank">here.) (Sorry about that. This thing will NOT format a link properly.)


 

The most obvious outcome of our relationship is the one I wrote about there: The one where he runs off, he slinks back in 2017 … and I can’t live without him, am scared of losing him again, grab him by the neck, and start trying to convince him to leave his wife again. This time I’m more successful, we get caught, he leaves … and his family bludgeons him back in again, and I’m hideously, painfully dumped sometime last year.


 

 

There was still a strong possibility of getting him back again in 2023, but the experience would have scarred him so badly we wouldn’t have a hope of having anything healthy.



I mean, think about it. If a person is so selfish and so needy she takes over another person’s thinking and decision-making at the (re)start of an affair in 2017 … what’s the likelihood she’ll relinquish it in 2024?



Not great. So how is a person supposed to start thinking for himself, being honest, and make all those great strides in personal development in 2024 and later if they’re with this domineering person? Only if the domineering person wakes up and stops being domineering, that’s how. And it’s unlikely somebody domineering will ever do that, if being domineering has gotten them all they wanted from the beginning of the relationship right up until yesterday. Right??



Luckily I saw that and figured all that out way back when … which was why I said no when he slunk back in 2017. If you really love someone, you want to help them, not hurt them. And, at the time we were speaking again over three years ago, I was literally afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop myself if we started seeing each other socially at that time.



So, it looks like I lost him forever in so doing.



Okay. Maybe it’s for the best.



However … in revisiting those pages I wrote (I was looking for career transits this time), something new has whacked me between the eyes ...

My Life Has Been So, So Sad,

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on February 19, 2021 at 12:35 AM

If I'm never going to be a real writer, I must at least have the dedication to be one, because I'm forever telling myself it's all over, no one reads this stupid thing on Wattpad and I might as well quit ... and the next thing I know I'm back on YouTube, watching birth and baby story videos because Ridley has a six-month-old and I have to write this young mother with a new baby and I never had a baby.

So I ran across https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-R1h3tHo4I" target="_blank">this adorable vlogger and, while the videos are instructive as far as childbirth and newborns, they're also really sweet and entertaining.

At first. And then, watching this wedding video, I realized that I have good damn reason to feel depressed and feel like my life is over.

Here's this beautiful couple who met in college, were together something like eight years, did a Las Vegas Elvis wedding, and then taped this lovely Chinese wedding they flew their entire family to their native Hong Kong for. And here's this huge, happy family, laughing and celebrating together.


Later (after one miscarriage that was, admittedly, sad), they have this beautiful childbirth and this adorable baby. Two wonderful sets of grandparents; they have a big, lovely house, and clearly they aren't hurting for money.

Geez.

I mean, this is what life was supposed to be. This is how happy normal people's lives are.

I didn't get to have any of this.  My whole family was so, so sick. I can't even stay in touch with most of them. I chose the wrong career and struggled and struggled. I've been terrified of being poor most of my life. When we got married, most of my family didn't even come. I couldn't invite them. My mother had acted so outrageously at my brother's college graduation, I was afraid to invite her. 

We had $1000 to spend on our whole entire wedding--dress, cake, rings, flowers, minister, everything. And I was 38 fucking years old! How wonderful it must be to have all these friends, and all this wonderful family to celebrate a wedding with.

And have a baby years later instead of widowed before your seventh anniversary.

And I wonder why I'm still stuck on a loser married guy six years after he dumped me and broke my heart. My whole life has been lived in such emotional poverty I literally am left with nothing.

Really. Six years ago, this guy was all I had left. And, boy, is that sad. I treated this guy better than he's been treated in twenty years ... and I still couldn't count on him. And that was all I had left in my whole, whole life. THAT is sad, sad, sad.

When you don't have friends, when you don't have a family, when you knew you were too mentally unhealthy to ever raise kids and even if you could have, you were too poor to afford them, you spend the last twelve years of your life caring for old, sick, crippled, dying people ... alone ... and then they all die and life leaves you completely alone ...

If I could have made something successful out of my life that meant something to someone besides just me, it still would have felt like my life had meaning. All that energy most people put into children and grandchildren, loved ones and a family and a legacy that will live on after them, I wanted to go into a novel or two that would have had some beneficial impact on people. It was the only dream I had left.

But, no. Apparently not.

And, horoscopes or not, if you-know-who wants to sit and stagnate in his life, then that's what he's going to do. (Because after what I last heard from him, it would have taken an act of God to turn that Titanic around.)

And that leaves me with nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

And then I whale on myself because I can't go on and approach life like a naive little twenty-year-old again, as if none of this happened to me.

Some people are so lucky. They are so, so lucky.

Even if you're poor ... If you have a crowd of loving people who would come to your wedding and dance and celebrate and have a blast because they love you--without acting like crazy narcissists--you are rich beyond compare.


Sad to say, when you're born without a healthy family like this, life doesn't go up from there. It goes d-o-w-n.

And I am about as far down as you can get.

I'm so far down I can't even see daylight over the lip of the hole anymore.

I really don't have any hope that things will ever get better in my life.

When you're born to sick parents, this is how it ends up. I've fought and I've fought and I've fought and I've fought, and this is still how it ends up.

What did I do to even deserve this?

I'm sick of it.

What do you do to make a life like this better again?

I don't think there is anything. I really, really don't.                               


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