The Thinking Other Woman

What you should know BEFORE your affair.
 

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What's currently happening in my life and what I think about all this now.

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Astrology and Personal Breakthroughs (however small) Part Two

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on December 27, 2020 at 9:20 AM

Hmm, turns out the birth time does affect transits to the Davison. At the other time I tested, the Davison still gets some mean hits, but not nearly as many or as bad. So, I could be wrong. Who knows? 

(I have the first child's birthdate and the wedding date. One day I should use these to rectify the birth chart. I wonder what time I would actually end up with?)

**OK, so that was what I finally sat down and did. I looked at hourly birth time solar arc conjunctions for the wedding date (within zero degrees) and the first child's birthdate and narrowed it down to two likely birth times: the one I had picked, 6 solar arc conjnunctions for the child's birthdate and 5 for the wedding date, and a second one with a whopping 8 conjunctions for their wedding date and 5 for the first child's birthdate. (The father's chart also lights up nicely on the first child's birth date as well.)

I ended up choosing my original birth time, even though the second got more hits, because a few transits changed with the second birth time that either contradicted an event I know happened in her life at that time, or sounded sort of similar, but the first birth time really hit the nail on the head. Also, I bought a second Davison report for the second birth time and it mischaracterizes the husband somewhat. And the Davison for the first birth time talks about the affair, while the second candidate does not.


So, the first birth time I chose, it is! And the Davison for the husband with the known birth time and this birth time is getting a SHITLOAD of conjunctions on February 10th, the majority of them Not. So. Nice. Now watch me find out some day her actual birth time is wildly different from either one of these. All the same, I had to revisit how strongly the transits for the birth date I chose reflect the husband moving out, the period of marriage counseling with the VERY strong advice to wake up and work on one's own problems, and the need for corrective change after the counseling, together with a significant event in her life that ended in May 2020 ... right when it was supposed to. 

 

So, if I haven't learned anything else from this, I've learned a lot of astrology.


And one thing I see is, if you decide to stick your head in the sand and ignore pressure to change ... you can. You're in charge, not the chart.



Which is why I doubt very seriously I'll ever hear from him again. I could have sunk my teeth in three years ago and hung on and dragged him out of that marriage, and that timeline was very clear. I would have eventually won. But I would have set myself in this horrible controlling mindset instead of the one I have now, and I would indeed be living a dream ... one I'd have a very unpleasant awakening from. Because he wouldn't have grown at all and would do the same thing in that relationship he did in his marriage ... and I wouldn't find out for years and years later. Because growth doesn't come from me. It comes from him, in his own good time.


Which was supposed to be the years 2023-2024 and beyond. Maybe he won't do it at all and they'll just sit there and stagnate the way people in their sixties are prone to do. Or they'll both change and finally achieve a happier marriage. (Her chart is betting strongly against it. Even her good transits talk about a breakup!)


I won't be there, so I'll never know.


So what's happening is, I don't get to live that dream. That big, larger-than-life dream where I get the man and the writing career and everything ... and then that hard, hard wakeup.


I'm having my wakeup now.


I'm very sad. It's sad to lose potential. But the fact is, without action and grit, potential never does anything anyway, and you can't open up someone's head and pour in grit. Parents can do that, a little bit, when we're small, because our brains are still forming, but at age 62?? Forget it. This person is codependent. He wants to stay home for the approval of other people, so that's what he's going to do.


I hope it ends at least somewhat happily for him. As for me, I can see three different timelines here that I couldn't see at first.


The first one was if he left back in 2015 when he first tried to. We would have been happy for a while, and I would have felt supported enough to write this soaring prose I used to write. Then when the charts start talking about success breaking up a codependent relationship that's already in progress ... yeah, that makes sense now.


The second timeline was where he went back and showed up again in 2017 and we had an affair. THAT outcome was distinctly terrible, which is why I reluctantly turned it down. That's the one I'm talking about up there, where eventually I win, but I've destroyed his ability to think for himself in the process and reinforced an inappropriately controlling mindset in myself. End result: DESTRUCTION.


There's still one more timeline. The one where we're together and healed and happy ever after. I just get whisperings of this in my chart, and past 2023 she doesn't get any, but he has a nice continuous thread for this in his chart. It's a lot quieter than the loud ugly transits portending disaster courtesy of an unhealed childhood, but it's there and it's consistent.


So who the fuck is he with?? Either this is a timeline that starts in 2017 where we have the affair and manage to wake up and turn it from disaster in time, or it starts in 2024 sometime. Maybe it's because he meets someone else and that's who it's with. (Gee, thanks.)


Anyway, four years is a long time to wait. I'm getting tired of this. He's taking too long, and even if he finally leaves, we won't have seen each other or spoken in seven years. He won't remember me. Time to just hang relationships up and just be an old lady. I already had my great relationship and that time in my life is long over.


Either way, I can see the great wisdom in waiting to have this relationship. We weren't healed enough in 2015, and we weren't healed enough almost three years later, either. The relationship, even though we're compatible, wouldn't have been able to go well until 1.) I give up trying to control the world into what I wanted it to be when I was little, and 2.) He recovered enough from codependency to a.) actually know what he himself is feeling instead of just everyone else, b.) tell the goddamned truth about it, rather than waiting five or ten years until he's absolutely crazy with pain, and c.) Stand. The. Fuck. Up. For. Himself.

Under those conditions, the relationship can work. If not ... NO relationship with anyone is ever going to work. It may look like it's working to everyone else, but really he's unhappy and one day ... BLAM! And this is in our Davison.


Generally, when things take too long to happen, they just ... don't ... happen. I think he's forgetting about me. I haven't seen any evidence of him at all since August. I had hoped for so much better, but oh, well.


I joined Nu Mindframe's Patreon. She has an audio on there where she says that if you had a childhood where your needs weren't met, you feel like you need to have them met doubly in adulthood, because your belief that the world is a good, happy place was destroyed too early, and you still want that need met.


I guess that would describe me. LOOK how huge my dreams have been: Impossible relationship, prominent career as a writer. This kind of thing shows up in horoscopes, too ... the wife is doing the same thing, only in a different way.


And we both USE HIM to do this, because that is what codependents do ... they ask to be used. They're soooo sure they're no good and they're soooo sure no one will ever love them that they mold themselves into whatever someone wants, in exchange for love ... which isn't really love, because it isn't really for THEM, it's for the person they are PRETENDING to be. They demand everyone else think for them, and then they're depressed and upset because everyone else is thinking for them!


I see now that I have got to quit doing this.


I have to quit doing this with writing, and I have to quit doing this with Chi.


If I don't, I'm going to fail at a major life task and end up a very, very, sad, sad old lady. This is spelled out very clearly in the transits at the end of my life and at the end of Chi's wife's. I just figured out that in my case, this is the major task they're talking about. Chi's wife's is a little different, but not substantially. Chi's job is to attach to women like this and make them learn their lessons by disappointing them and himself.

(Chi? This one grew up already. You don't have to do that anymore!) 



So ... I reform myself so I understand this and I would never, EVER propose to think for this person again, (because that's what love is), and ... he stays home and forgets about me.

Ohhhkay.


So: I guess I've also learned a lesson about big dreams:

I shouldn't have them. Because they're all about redeeming a bad childhood, and that isn't realistic. Nothing is going to make up for whar I didn't get from my parents and family, and the hazing I got from cruel schoolmates. I had a shit childhood. It's over. Nothing is going to change it. This world is not a good place. (Just look at it.)


If people are going to have a wildly successful life, it's because they have a talent the world responds to, they're happy when they're performing it, and their soul elected to have this experience in the world when they were born. NOT because they had a childhood that made them feel terrible, and now they're trying to strongarm the world into making it better for them.


I'm not going to have this relationship, and from all appearances I need to give up on having success writing right now, because people do not respond to my writing. Not in the numbers it would take.

I need to stop feeling like my world has fallen irretrievably apart because of these facts.

I've been doing it for five years now, and it feels terrible. It's time to assimilate reality, and just stop.

All I am is an ordinary little old fat woman. I live the same life everyone else lives. I am not going to redeem my horrible childhood with A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G extraordinary.


Well ... maybe extraordinary efforts to become more emotionally healthy, and that's about it. I just need to get used to living an ordinary little old fat woman's life, and that's it.


I don't have much. I have a job with enough income to meet my needs for now, and I have a place to live and the chores of daily living. That. Is. All. I. Have.


It seems pretty sad. It seems like I should have a relationship. I've more than earned it. OH-to-the-fuck-WELL. Right now there's nobody, I can't even imagine who I would want to be with, and it's covid-19, anyway.


I think I'm all done with relationships. What I need to do is learn to be happy with the little things in daily life. Those things are all I have.


I am never again going to have a Big Relationship to "make me happy." Even if I did, I'd just get widowed again anyway and end up right back in the same boat all over again. Might as well learn to handle it now.


I'm starting to understand that all life is, is tiny, little squirts of happiness here and there, over tiny, tiny little things. Like, I was in the drugstore and I discovered this little handheld Galaga game--a video game I loved when I was much younger. This looks just like a miniature arcade game only it's desktop. I bought it and have been playing it and I was just so thrilled the night I bought it. Now I get to play it whenever I want and I don't have to lose all those quarters!


I found a pearl wholesaler and bought some pearls. I had had my eye on this JesMaharry pearl bracelet, strung on leather, which she was selling for $250. ON SALE. I think she was asking $400 for it originally. Then I found this wholesaler and this week my pearls arrived. I strung my own pink pearl bracelet last night for like, $15. I picked the most lustrous pink and lavendar pearls and it is BEAUTIFUL!!


Even though I am still very sad about Chi, I was thrilled about the bracelet.


I posted an article on Medium about a week ago. It's probably the best one I've ever written. 26 people have viewed it. I felt a glow of accomplisment when I hit "publish." That is all I'm going to get.


I feel angry and sad sometimes that my life is ending up to be so, so much less than other people's lives. I have no emotional home any more. I have no family. I have no relationship. Aren't these things just about everyone finds and gets to have? Why did my husband have to die of brain cancer? Why is Chi such a schmuck? Why did these things happen to me?


Of course, I study astrology, so I know why these things happened to me. It's called, personal growth. All we're really supposed to do in this life is get born into imperfect families and suffer childhood wounds, and then take conscious charge of our personalities by growing ourselves up in the way our parents did not or could not grow us up. That. Is. Really. All.


And I've done all that. I just wish the process could contain some happiness for a change. I wish I didn't have to lose everything that made me happy for me to do this. I wish I could have back some of the normal things other people get to have. For who I really am to connect up and click in the world. For a companion.


Oh, well. Chi is never going to grow up and be ready, and I couldn't really say who else that might be. I had the best soul mate companion already, and I guess that will just have to be enough. After all, look at Chi and his wife. They're going to be together for the rest of their lives at this rate, some fifty-five or sixty years, and neither of them has been happy.


At least I didn't do that in the marriage I had. And I pledge that I never will. It will work, or I just won't have it. So I guess I just won't have it.


Bye, Chi. Sorry it didn't work out. Hurry up and grow the fuck up. Maybe it still can.

Astrology and Personal Breakthroughs (however small) Part One

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on December 26, 2020 at 7:30 AM

The one saving grace in trying to use astrology to post-mortem a relationship is: You learn a lot about astrology.

So, I never heard from this person again. The relationship is dead; gone; I'll never, EVER, see this guy again. The last time I saw him was on Medium as I have described. I can't tell if he's reading any of my pieces on there, but I imagine not, as you can only read five without paying to join and he hasn't paid to join.

The riddle I was trying to solve: If we never see each other again, HOW THE HELL does Rory get ALL THESE BREAKUP TRANSITS I see for her past 2023???

OK, she has a slim chance still at reviving and fixing that marriage, but the transits for it are, like, one or two. Against tons and tons and tons and TONS of bad, BAD news that's carried on all through this and gets worse and WORSE after about the second half of 2023. I have to tell you, I do not want to be this woman and live through the ones she's going to get from 2024 on. Especially at her age. This is bad enough at age 25, but age 67???

Which is why, had the guy come back, I would have had to steer clear and give them every chance. I mean, sheesh. If she's going to wreck it, let her wreck it on her own. I don't need that on my conscience, and she does, in fact, appear perfectly capable of wrecking it on her own.

YET, the question: If we never get back together, how the hell does she get left?? Because the timing of the next time I was to see him and the timing of his leaving a relationship and the timing of her getting all this awful stuff coincide. Otherwise, I'd think it was a fourth chart coming in that I don't know about.

Here's where I learned something:

I thought: Maybe I have the wrong birth time for her. So I did some testing on the chart and realized:  IT DOESN'T MATTER. She gets all but one or two of the same transits anyway, and the one or two actually are very close to the same thing.

But, in doing this, I used a transit grid you can get for free on astro.com and compared it to a Liz Greene yearly transit report I had bought for her, and in so doing ...

I figured out how those reports are generated!!!

I had wondered THAT for ages!!

NOW, I know how to put one together for anyone for any year, for free!!!

It's simple:

The reports leave out the "personal planets," because those FLY around the zodiac and those transits only last a few days or so. They also leave out nodes and vertex, which is SAD, because I'd love to see how Liz The Great interprets those.

(I also found her astrology school online. I could actually take courses there and get their degree. But it's EXPENSIVE. More expensive than NCGR's, which I really think I'd rather take, because it's the American school of astrology and it also offers a research certification, which the London Faculty school does not. If I got a certification, I'd want it to be as a research astrologer, because I would be doing it to publish research on love triangles as I am doing here.)


So, after you take out the personal planets and the nodes and vertex, you take every transiting planet left, from Jupiter on, and pick the strongest two or three transits each one is making until you have about 18. You make up the rest of the field by looking at the progressions and picking up the strongest of those, about seven, especially if any echo the transits you've just selected. (Because, for something to happen, we know it's more likely if you have both a transit and a progression for it, And you won't get it if it's not in your natal.) Then you interpret those, and presto! You have your year. These are based on how Liz Greene actually does hers, and I have so many of hers and Robert Hand's transit interpretations I could probably put one of these together for free myself and get the same thing they do. (I'll have to do 2022 and then purchase it and test myself.)

I also figured out why these things are so goddamned depressing. Outer planets are goddamned depressing. Jupiter is the one happy one. Saturn, Neptune, Pluto, Uranus ... all of these tend to reflect shitty events. Even when you get a good aspect, you're looking at a lot of change and hard work. All the happier planets--the Sun, Moon, Venus ... those are the ones that are FLYING through the zodiac and those transits are going to be fleeting and not affecting your entire year. The outer planets are describing your journey through life and the trials and problems you are going to have. So, right there, you're in for something depressing. With any luck, they'll at least be good aspects and not shitty ones. 

I hate to say it, but out of the three of us, she has The. Shittiest. Outer. Planet. Transits. from about age 65 on. There are one or two bright spots ... but they aren't relationship ones particularly, and there are only two of them. Christ Jesus. You don't want an old age that looks like this. Especially in 2027, she has four Chiron ones that are just
AWFUL.

And, ya know? I can see her heading right for them, in the choices she made back in 2016, where she could have really listened and really improved her marriage ... but she didn't.

When you do a whole life reading like this, you can see how bad choices you make now play out down the line ... at least if you have an event with at least one timeline that is VERY clear, the way we did in 2015.

Which leaves me asking: HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS MOTHERFUCKING HAPPEN?

Because Mars just went past the yods, and I haven't heard from him. WE'RE NOT FUCKING TOGETHER. (Literally as well as figuratively.) So, how the fuck???

Interestingly enough, the cards led me to look at February. Why do I have a bright spot in February in the middle of an otherwise shitty year? In February, our Davison gets hits on its Saturn from the Sun (US), Mercury (communication), Venus (duh!), and Jupiter all at the same time, together with transiting nodal squares to the same planets, AND both Saturn and Jupiter sextile and trine the relationship natal nodes.

Interesting. No doubt if you're reading this, you've noticed the spate of articles about Saturn and Jupiter that came out around the 21st. Usually Saturn just sucks. If I had only the hits of the Sun, Mercury, and Venus, I'd have to say, Well, that's NO communication, NO love, and NO relationship. But Jupiter is there. An annoying preponderance of astrologers seem to believe the presence of Jupiter on Saturn turns prospects much more rosy. (I'll believe it when I see it.)

Nodal squares. A lot of people say these amount to precisely nothing. But we've got
four of them. Together with three big Vertex hits, one of those involving nodes. Fate, fate, fate.

Is this where we reconnect anyway even though I turned down the relationship in 2017?

Heh. Astrology can footnote anything it wants, but nothing can stand against genuine inertia.

However, their Davison has a PILE of BAD conjunctions occurring at the same time. Like, ELEVEN OF THEM. They also have Sun, Mercury, Venus, Jupiter hits on the Davison Sun at the same time, but the rest of these ... Saturn, Pluto, and a PILE of fucking Chiron ... UGH. And FIFTEEN conjunctions in one chart at the SAME time??? THAT kind of shit is BIG.

Hmm ... wonder if it varies with the wife's birth time? *goes to check*





Merry Christmas!

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on December 25, 2020 at 7:25 AM

If you're here on Christmas, you're plrobably not having a very good time in your life. 

But I'm here to wish you the best anyway.

And a better 2021!!

Tarot Tutorial 5

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on December 6, 2020 at 2:25 PM

Now you see how tarot can be useful. After a reading like that one, a history like this, and astrology like what I see in this situation: Even if the guy did turn up and things LOOKED and SOUNDED good, there is no way I'd bite. This reading is saying: Be warned. Don't get burned (again.)

Now, here's the really funny part: My reading, which I actually did first.

Reading One: Me.

 

A Two Paths spread.

 

 

Outcome One: Five of Swords

The Five of Swords is NOT a happy card. In it, two people are walking away dejected and angry after one person has taken all the swords. It suggests that someone has made an unfair win or gotten a victory dishonorably. Two people are walking away the losers, and they aren't happy. It implies the losers may even want revenge at a later date. But who am I, the winner or the losers?


 

 

Outcome Two: Nine of Wands reversed.

This card right side up reflects that things have been tough, and you're going to have to fight hard to get to your goal. You are marshaling strength for the effort. Reversed, something is going wrong with this. You're doing this in a bad way somehow: Either continuing in a fight where you're just on the wrong side and you don't want to admit it and give it the hell up, you fought the battle and, like Donald Trump, you're grousing because you're a sore loser, you won but it's been really awful and maybe not worth it, or the whole thing's all in your head and you just aren't seeing reality. This card talks about the need to retreat from the battleground, going forward in life with only the things that serve you, instead of continuing to battle on and on. The card can be telling you that you are waiting on some future event that will never arrive. Or, you may be looking at a partner who whines a lot but never moves on from their issues, someone using you as a crutch.

Not a nice card to see, eh? Basically, this card is saying, It ain't worth it. Give it up, it ain't never going to happen! 


 

 

Leading to Outcome One: The Devil.

Ah, the Devil. In the Devil card, two people are chained to a devil--something unhealthy, a drug habit, a sick relationship, an eating disorder, a gambling addiction--something not good for them. The chains around their necks are loose enough that they could lift them off and choose to escape rather easily if they so desired. The Devil can indicate a codependent relationship, or maybe an affair. You're a slave to something bad and you're going to pay for it. Oh, it would be so much better to see the Devil reversed here!

 

 

Leading to Outcome Two: Ten of Wands reversed.

The Ten of Wands reversed turns up when a situation is so tough and overwhelming that it really is necessary to let something go. It often means, "You're beating a dead horse. give the fuck up already!" You've taken on too much and you can't achieve what you thought you would, and now you realize that. You could be taken advantage of by someone. You're breaking your back for no reward. It's time to let a dream go because it hasn't worked out even though you did all you could.


Here's the interesting part: 


 

 

The critical factor that decides what will come to pass: Two of Wands reversed.


The Two of Wands upright talks about travel, motion, making a decision whether to move on or stay with what you are used to. It tends to be positive in that you decide on the side of moving on. This is the card of sudden, unexpected departures, where a person has suddenly decided that something doesn't suit them and quits a job or moves out of the house and files for divorce without warning.


Reversed, this is NOT happening. You decide, regretfully, that even though you would like to leave, you can't for some reason and must stay. The classic card, actually, for what Chi did three years ago, which is stay in an unfulfilling relationship because of friction from society and other people. You want to move on from an unfulfilling situation but you just don't have the guts.


HOWEVER, since the upright is the card of unexpected departure, the reversal CAN mean: An unexpected arrival. It is one of those cards for: The sudden return of an ex-partner.


Now, how the hell are you going to interpret THAT?? It's interesting, because the two arms above this card sort of cover both scenarios.


Arm One: He does show up. That's the Devil. An illicit relationship we're addicted to, and we decide to stay in it. The card above that, Outcome One, shows a dishonorable win with bad consequences. Need to stay away from that one.


Arm Two: I see that I can just put this away now, probably because he hasn't shown up. If the reversed Two of Wands is him going, No, I'm really going to stay put for good, this is the arm I get. I'm beating a dead horse and have to give up for good, and the outcome card for that arm talks about more of the same. It's also a card with the message that you've really been beaten to shit in a relationship and are left with a lot of negative attitudes as a result.


So, basically, there's just no good outcome here. If he doesn't show up, that's the end of that, and based on past history and the amount of time that's elapsed, that's what I'm anticipating. If he does, that Devil and that outcome with bad repercussions is going to be tough to steer around.


Do I think this is good advice? Yep. 


 

 

WE INTERRUPT THIS TUTORIAL FOR A VERY SCARY CARD READING.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on December 6, 2020 at 11:55 AM

So, it's taken me longer to finish posting this tutorial than I thought. The reason is I have to    do my continuing ed for license renewal online this year and it takes so much longer to do it that way! (You can rewind it when you didn't get something.)

Just for shits and grins, I flipped through another random online set of cards this morning.

WTF???


A "creative process" spread, said to provide insight into a project or creative undertaking.


Creative force behind the project: The Fool.

Imagination: The Heirophant.

Emotion: The Three of Cups, reversed.

Thought: Seven of Cups.

Manifestation: Queen of Cups, reversed.


May I just say: This Reading Sucks.

I HOPE it's about this stupid novel. (I expect that to bomb, anyway.) If so, what it says is I'm starting off on a new journey, full of happier expectations and listening to my instincts, but I'm not seeing it realistically and it ends up very disappointing.

Nice try.
For one thing, look at all the cups. Emotions are involved, and probably a relationship.

If I look at this as being about the relationship that ended, cards one and two are the same. We certainly did start off down the road with high hopes. And we were listening to our instincts to start with. 


That Emotion card: When you look this up and read what many tarot professionals say about it, it's usually written up as The. Classic. Affair. Card. Right side up, it's a happy gathering with friends. upside down it's, "Three's a crowd." It can be about feeling out of place with others in a social situation, but most readers write that it turns up in a third-party love situation. 

Seven of Cups: Seeing the possibilities unrealistically.


Manifestation: Man, you don't want this one. The only card more codependent than this one is the King of Cups reversed. Blecch!!


Of course, you know after this batch I had to peek at some others and they were just as terrifying as this batch. But, I'm going to carry on with the initial readings, which I didn't finish.

One Wonders:

If the fucking relationship is already over and done for good, why do I get cards like this?? I'm thinking:

1.) I'm looking at the other timeline; the one that would have happened if I'd hung on to him three years ago

2.) It's showing me what already happened. "You asked about this relationship that ended three years ago; well, it's over and there's nothing else to say about it." Seems like you would get definite ending cards like Five of Cups, Ten of Swords, the Death card, Three of Swords ... something like that. Ten of Wands upside down ... "Honey, you're beating a dead horse. Let it go." Tarot has plenty of cards with which to convey this message.

3.) Or ... gulp! It really is in the future.


*Damn. I just finished Tutorial #4 and ... *blip*! It disappeared into cyberspace when I hit "publish." Gone, gone, gone. I got part of it back, but now I have to redo it all over again. GRR.

                

Tarot Tutorial 4

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on December 4, 2020 at 11:20 PM

Now we're getting into the nitty-gritty here ...

The Husband. My ex: Chi.


 

Reading Two: Chi.

 

A Cross and Triangle. (The Cross and Triangle spits out a few thoughts about something in your life and then tells you which way it's likely to go.)

 

 

Prine energy in his life: Knight of Pentacles reversed.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Remember when we talked about the Kinght of Pentacles right side up? All that move-forward, can-do energy? Well, reversed, this guy CAN'T do. The reversed Knight of Pentacles is stuck in the mud. (Pretty funny considering all else we know about this, right?) This guy isn't working very hard for some reason. In some cases, his work may be all done, but, um, considering the history here, I doubt that very seriously. He may be taking too long to do something. (Ya THINK?) Or, he's just unmotivated and stuck. I'm betting on that last one. 

Of course, the bad thing about reversals is they can mean two totally opposite things, which in the love and romance department can be, for this card, a guy who's unavailable, or a guy who's about to cheat.

This is why I hate reversed tarot cards.

 

 

Process of thought: Nine of Swords reversed.


Right side up, the Nine of Swords shows a person bolting up in bed, terribly upset after having a nightmare. It reflects that a person is preoccupied with worry and emotional upset about things in their life.


Again, this is a place where reversals can be maddeningly difficult to read. Reversed, the situation is either way, way worse, where the individual is in the middle of his worst nightmare, or way, way better, where he has found a way out of his troubles and is breathing much easier now. Hmm. 

 

Motivation: The Hermit reversed.


The Hermit right side up is isolating himself in a good way. He's deep in study or contemplation, or just taking a break from the world. In any case, his isolation is positive.


Reversed, the isolation is a bad thing for some reason. The Hermit feels like an outcast, or he is the one shunning others. Or, he's very lonely in his isolation. (Wouldn't surprise me; it's been that way almost twenty years!) Also, the Hermit may be ready to leave the isolation for this reason. A murky card that's difficult to interpret. (At least it isn't as bad as that knight.)

 

 

Emotions: Eight of Wands.


The Eight of Wands indicates that something active is about to happen suddenly, or the person is contemplating a sudden, energetic move. (Finally, a card that isn't ambigious!)

 

 

Position in life: Four of cups.

This card portrays a person sitting preoccupied under a tree, looking at three cups in front of him while a hand mysteriously appears in the air in front of him, holding out a fourth cup. This person ignores the new cup to stare moodily at the three he already has.

 

 This card suggests that a person feels depleted somehow and unhappy with what he has, but lacks the energy or motivation to look around and notice any gifts that might be on offer in his life. For whatever reason, he's not going to get up from under that tree right now and take the new cup. It will always be there, and he might in the future, but not now.


Um, if you're that new cup, and the tarot is giving you this kind of message about somebody you're involved with, it would be wise to listen. This guy's not ready to move on with you. Ignore this message and you will get your heart broken.

 

One of two opposing forces: Five of Cups reversed.

In the Five of Cups, a figure stands in black, looking sadly down at three broken cups in front of him. He does not see two intack cups behind him. The card is about mourning something that is irretrievably gone.


If you get the card reversed, you are no longer mourning something that is irretrievably gone ... usually. (Reversals can mean the issue is even worse ... so you could be even more stuck in mourning something that is irretrievably gone.)


But, if not, and you are no longer mourning the thing: You could have gotten over it and gone on with your life. Or, you are no longer mourning it because you went back and fixed it, therefore you no longer need to mourn losing it. This is the classic card for getting over a broken relationship, or the death of someone close.  


 

 

Second of two opposing forces: Three of Cups. (Hmm … I thought these were supposed to be OPPOSING forces!)

The Three of Cups depicts three dancing woman, holding up cups of wine. Usually it reflects a happy time spent in the company of many people, but it can also reflect this kind of mood in a relationship.

 

 

Resolving the conflict between the forces: Six of Cups.

The Six of Cups talks about going back to an earlier time in your life to be nurtured. The classic case is of a young person who's been fired from a job, or evicted, or broken up with a spouse, and goes back home to the folks for a while to be watched over and mothered until they've picked up the pieces and are ready to head back out into the world again. It can reflect an older person going into a nursing home to be cared for in this way, or possibly the adult child caregiver who now has to take care of the parent in this way.


The card reflects that you are thinking about the past, looking at the past with rose-colored glasses, or issues surrounding the reading are being influenced by something in the past. You could be living in the past or feeling nostalgic for the past. You could actually return to some person or place of the past to be nurtured in some way. It CAN be that you are hankering after an old love, or an old flame or relationship turns up in some way, probably causing problems in the present.   

 

 

Final outcome unless you change course: The Lovers, reversed.

That interpretation is definitely suggested by this card. Here, a relationship isn't going well or has broken up. Or, if it's together and it's happy, it's seen as illicit by society and the couple is getting ostracized due to social disapproval. Some relationship here is upside down in some way.


This spread has a strong slant toward the future. It's unlikely to be recalling a past event. This whole spread is generally chosen because we are asking about events in the now.


C'mon. Why do I keep getting this crap? Death Card, Ten of Swords, Three of Swords, where are you?


Tarot Tutorial 3

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on December 4, 2020 at 10:55 PM

Now we come to Rory: the Wife in all of this.

 

Reading Three: Rory

 

 

A Shadow Truth spread.

 

 

Attitude you assume: Ace of Wands.

 

 

Thoughts and feelings underlying your attitudes: The Emperor.

 

 

How your attitude will evolve in the future: Seven of Cups.

 

 

How others perceive your attitude: Five of Cups reversed.

 

 

What you cannot confront: The Fool, reversed.

The Shadow Truth spread is meant to be helpful if you are in denial about something or doing something you are unaware of that is impeding you in pursuing a conscious goal. Remember, I did these on the Facade website and picked "Choose for Me" so these were all completely random.

The Ace of Wands and the Emperor are fine cards. They reflect an auspicious start to something, and a can-do attitude. However, the Seven of Cups indicates that you are looking at things unrealistically, and that some of the goals or desires you are comtemplating are castles in Spain.


Others definitely do perceive the situation as the Five of Cups reversed, since the couple in question has been back together for five years and things appear fine (as far as I know, anyway.) The Five of Cups right side up shows the person the reading is about brokenhearted over a death, a breakup, or some other sad ending or loss. Reversed, you've made up, or you've gotten over the loss and gone on your way.

What she cannot confront or doesn't know about: The Fool reversed.

The Fool is the first card in the tarot deck and depicts the soul starting out merrily on his journey on Earth. Right side up, the Fool is optimistic and light-hearted, courageous and full of anticipation. It encourages a happy and expansive attitude toward the journey ahead. Reversed, however ...


Reversed, the person taking the journey is doing something rash or unwise. They're making poor decisions, or they made a poor decision and they let an opportunity slip through their fingers. (If you've read anything else on this website, you know what opportunity that was!) It suggests unfinished business, or going through life as a child asking others to assume responsibility for you (something Chi often complained about.)

There are Cups in here so emotions and a relationship is suggested.     


Tarot Tutorial 2

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on December 4, 2020 at 10:05 PM

So, I started this post, and then my computer went wonky and it disappeared. Here goes again:


Reading Four: Me and Chi.

 

 

Two Paths spread, once again.

 

 

Outcome One: Temperance.

 

 

Outcome Two: Judgment, reversed.

 

 

Leading to Outcome One: Justice.

 

 

Leading to Outcome Two: Page of Pentacles.

 

 

The critical factor that decides what will come to pass: Three of Wands, reversed.


With this spread, there's something you need to know about the Three of Wands. Usually this card talks about travel; or about having a plan and moving forward to get started with it. It's usually a card that augurs success. Reversed, you are blocked in doing this or things are worse in some way. (Sounds like me and Chi, huh? Blocked FOREVER?)


However, because this card is about traveling and moving on, sometimes the reverse means you don't travel or move on ... which is why it's one of the few classic cards that can be read as, "The sudden return of an ex."


Which is why the two paths above are so funny. The Page of Pentacles is about working hard on something. Focus, hard work, and sticking to the task. It can also mean, "News." The Judgment card is about listening to your instincts and using good judgment. 

Therefore, in the event that I receive "News," and we decide to focus, work hard, and stick to the task ... we would end up exercising poor judgment. (Which our horoscopes heartily concur with. Even if I see the guy, I am definitely alone for the next few years. He isn't ready to leave yet.) 


On the second leg, the Justice card. Justice right side up often reflects a decision made in your favor or one you are happy with, such as a ruling in a court of law. It can mean a final balancing out of karma. Things go in your favor if you are honest and up front. In a relationship, you are being totally honest with your partner or owning your part in where the relationship is right now.  You are being called to account for your actions and will be judged accordingly. 


Interestingly enough, this leads to Temperance, which is just what it sounds like:  The Temperance card shows a person who isn't flying off the handle to do anything dumb. The card is about handling your affairs with balance and sense. The Temperance person takes a middle path and accomodates all perspectives.

Which is what I planned to do, based on the horoscopes, if this guy showed up. Not pursue the relationship at this time, throw this one back into the sea. He isn't going to be ready to think for himself for another few years yet. In another few years he gets some GREAT work transits that signify progress (if he will motherfucking USE them!) 

But that someday isn't today. 


Basically, this reading is saying that if we go for it now, that's poor judgment, because it isn't likely to work, whereas if we make the right decision, Temperance is where it will end up.

Interesting reading.  


Tarot Tutorial 1

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 29, 2020 at 11:20 PM
I think this will make the most sense if I work backwards.

Before I start this, let me say that tarot cards can be influenced by the
 person being read for ... especially if you're reading for yourself. 
Nonetheless, they can be informative just the same. 


So, here we go: The reading for the husband and wife:

Reading Five: Chi and Rory.

 

 

The Twisting Path spread. A Twisting Path is often used when you're trying to achieve a

goal and having trouble, and you are looking for advice. It shows you two decisions and pitfalls.

What's interesting about this reading is the "goal" at the end. The Five of Cups shows a person

contemplating a loss, brokenhearted, grieving about what might have been. I'm going to take this

as a warning rather than a "goal." Of course, if it's a totally nonworkable relationship, then that

could conceivably BE a goal ... but that sure ain't MY decision to make!

 

 

Decision One: Wheel of Fortune, reversed.

When you get this, you've got a delay or a setback. Okay.

But what does that have to do with a "decision?" The fabulous website https://teachmetarot.com/part-iii-major-arcana/lesson-5/the-wheel-of-fortune-x-upright/the-wheel-of-fortune-x-reversed/" target="_blank">Truly Teach Me Tarot tells us,"When the

Wheel of Fortune Reverses you must look to yourself and see if there have been any negative repetitive

patterns forming in your life. These problems or challenges may be returning to you over and over again in

order to give you the opportunity to resolve them. During this slow time in your life it may be worthwhile to

return to The Hermit to reflect on those things that no longer have any value or worth. Once you have identified

them you can set about making the necessary changes in order to be ready for when The Wheel begins to turn

once more and make its upward ascent. As The Wheel begins to slowly turn, you may realise that things you

have done in the past have caused the problems you now face. Remember though that when you reach the lowest

point on the wheel there is nowhere for it to go but up once more. Patience and understanding is required of you

now. Even though you may have missed out on an opportunity, remember that the Universe will always give you

a second chance."

 

 

Leading you astray from the outcome shown: Seven of Wands, reversed.

This is often called the "Oh, well, what's the use?" card.

 

 

Decision Two: King of Cups, reversed.

In tarot, the King of Cups is the King of Codependency. They could choose (once again) not to do the work,

and to stay codependent ... as all three of us undoubtably are..

 

 

Leading you astray from the outcome shown: King of Pentacles.

The King of Pentacles is a wonderful card. The King of Pentacles is a hard worker who gets things done. The

attitude is mature and capable. Often the card refers to financial capability, but basically this is a person who

leaves their family a good legacy in more than a financial sense of the word.

 

 

The Outcome (“one possible mask of your true destination"): Five of Cups.

Interesting, yes? A goal if someone has a King of Cups reversed attitude; a warning if what you want is

that King of Pentacles.


More coming ...


HOLY SHIT! (Or, Sometimes I Feel Like Jane Seymour in that Old James Bond Movie ...)

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 29, 2020 at 10:50 PM

Ohhhh-Kayyyyy ...

You'll notice I am posting this right after posting the last entry I made. The reason I'm doing this is: Just for fun after writing that, I went to my favorite online website and did a random series of tarot readings. 

If you know anything about tarot, these are going to be funny as HELL. (And a bit worrisome, to boot.) For those who don't know anything about tarot, I'm going to post the readings here and then the following posts will illustrate why I read tarot and astrology and how these readings really can help your ass out when you find yourself in a shit-uation-ship such as this one.



Reading One: Me.

A Two Paths spread.

 

Outcome One: Five of Swords

 

Outcome Two: Nine of Wands reversed.

 

Leading to Outcome One: The Devil.

 

Leading to Outcome Two: Ten of Wands reversed.

 

The critical factor that decides what will come to pass: Two of Wands reversed.


Reading Two: Chi.

A Cross and Triangle.

 

Prine energy in his life: Knight of Pentacles reversed.

 

Process of thought: Nine of Swords reversed.

 

Motivation: The Hermit reversed.

 

Emotions: Eight of Wands.

 

Position in life: Four of cups.

 

One of two opposing forces: Five of Cups reversed.

 

Second of two opposing forces: Three of Cups. (Hmm … I thought these were supposed to be OPPOSING forces!)

 

Resolving the conflict between the forces: Six of Cups.

 

Final outcome unless you change course: The Lovers, reversed.


 

 

Reading Three: Rory

 

A Shadow Truth spread.

 

Attitude you assume: Ace of Wands.

 

Thoughts and feelings underlying your attitudes: The Emperor.

 

How your attitude will evolve in the future: Seven of Cups.

 

How others perceive your attitude: Five of Cups reversed.

 

What you cannot confront: The Fool, reversed.


 

 

Reading Four: Me and Chi.

 

Two Paths spread, once again.

 

Outcome One: Temperance.

 

Outcome Two: Judgment, reversed.

 

Leading to Outcome One: Justice.

 

Leading to Outcome Two: Page of Pentacles.

 

The critical factor that decides what will come to pass: Three of Wands, reversed.


 

 

Reading Five: Chi and Rory.

 

The Twisting Path spread.

 

Decision One: Wheel of Fortune, reversed.

 

Leading you astray from the outcome shown: Seven of Wands, reversed.

 

Decision Two: King of Cups, reversed.

 

Leading you astray from the outcome shown: King of Pentacles.

 

The Outcome (“one possible mask of your true destination"): Five of Cups.

Transits ... transits ...

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 29, 2020 at 9:20 PM

So I keep reading about all the interesting things happening in the heavens right now. I am in the middle of a six-week basic astrology course, to help me identify the stuff I didn't run across as I have been mostly teaching myself. All that stuff you read about "Mercury retrograde," etc. is called "mundane astrology." Why? I don't know. It sure ain't reflecting anything mundane right now! It's very interesting as my teacher, a young astrologer (*Wow! Most practicing/teaching astrologers I know are older than dirt) named Nick Lasky, is very good at picking out the mundanes and pointing out how they reflect, say, this election craziness, for example.  


Astrologers have known Something Big was coming up for a few years now, they just didn't know what it was. Turns out it was covid 19. (THAT shit ain't mundane!)


Anyway, I saw a couple of articles up about a Jupiter/Saturn conjunction that is going on at the end of this month. Although, I look a little bit slanty-eyed at most of these kinds of writings (Come ON. The whole world is NOT going to meet someone new or have some kind of accident all at the same time ... in most cases!). I think what they describe is a LOT more likely if it hits something in YOUR chart. If you don't have anything there ... I don't know how much I'd worry about a lot of this fluff.


But in this case the articles were interesting, and I thought, I wonder if this is hitting anything in our charts? Turns out it is. I went, Nahhh. I'll maybe believe it if it's hitting something in the Davisons, too.


Turns out it is. The date is December 21 ... right about the time, as I've already noted, Mars will be making its final hit on The Yods and be buggin' out.


Of course, one must use some common sense. A person who's been gone for three years is likely to stay gone. I imagine those hits belong on the other time line--the one where I sunk my teeth in three years ago and didn't let go, and now we've been having an affair for three years and I'm insisting he go on and leave.


That didn't happen, so neither will this. If it happens I'll post what the transits are and how you could get an inkling something will happen, but if it doesn't, why bother?


In the words of Minnie Pearl,


"We're all through playing now!"



Putting Away Childish Things

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 25, 2020 at 10:15 PM

I woke up this morning with this one realization:


Everything I have ever wanted in life was a child's understanding of how to get a child's developmental needs met.


I was an unloved child, and I needed parents and family and friends to love me.


I couldn't get that. All I could get was a self-centered Poor-Baby-Me of a mother, a family overfocused on achievement, and kids at school screaming at me and throwing gum in my hair.


How does a six-year-old determine how to get people to stop doing those things, and love her?


Well, for one thing, parents and family are focused on Achievement, so I'd better pick that Achieving Career. Which I did.


Except it was a lot harder and not as fun as I'd thought. I'd entered professional school with no social antennae and not a lot of self-confidence, and past the level of high school teachers don't support you emotionally anymore. They just look at you with scorn when you don't have enough self-confidence and you don't know how to act.


Even when they know what the problem is, they don't help you. You're not their problem.


So, I'm failing, but I still need to achieve success In Order For Important People To Love Me. Hence, Plan Number Two: The Writer Fantasy.


I know! I'll write a bestseller and then they'll have to love me! They will be so proud.


A six-year-old does not stop to think that parents and family being proud of her and parents and family loving her are not the same thing.


(Really, you'd have to be a sophisticated kid to figure that out.)


Let's not forget, If I just figure out how to help Mommy feel better, then she will take care of me and give me what I need.


Well, sad to say, some people are never, ever, ever, ever going to get better, and there's simply nothing anyone can do.


A six-year-old can't accept that about her mother. A six-year-old can't accept that life is really that cold, cruel, and horrible. A six-year-old hears the Disney "When You Wish Upon a Star" song and really believes it ... that someday they will grow up and be able to make things work out better.


Because they wished hard enough. Or some such nonsense.


                   ***

It would appear that Chi is one of those people who is never, ever, ever, ever going to get better.

I'll never know, of course. It was most kind of him to come back three years ago, explain himself, and essentially say goodbye. I didn't realize it at the time, but that was what had happened. I didn't realize that for months afterward.


It's a shame, of course, because he has a good strong thread of transits, from about 2024 on, that reflect a good job healing and a much healthier personality. He had them before, too, from 2014 to around 2017. Like Rory and her marriage counseling transits, he didn't make use of those. Didn't make it that time around.


Of course, miracles can happen. There's lots of life left. Maybe they went back to marriage counseling and those healing transits will happen with Rory and not me. (Except ... I finally peeked. Her transits for the same years reflect a most dismal absence of same. Interesting.)


But that's not likely to happen. There's wayyy too much social pressure on the marriage for it to stay the same, and zero pressure on the two people within it to be brave, to do the extremely difficult work of facing themselves, their childhoods, and each other.


They're in their early and middle sixties. People this age get scared and set in their ways. Cognitive and physical decline will set in. If not now, then very soon, they will be too old to change.


Oh, well. Boo-b-b-boo-boo-hoo. We'll just have to sit here and be miserable now. It's all the other person's fault.


At least the children and the in-laws are happy.


I warned Chi about this. (And a fat lot of good it did, too.)


Oh, well.


It's not my problem any more. My problem is ending this habit of planning my life like a six-year-old. It's never done any good, and none of that stuff ever comes true, even when it looks like it should.


Instead of me and my husband being writers together, we got elder care and brain tumors and an early grave. Instead of going on to find success myself, I have a novel on Wattpad with only eight hits on it. All of them are mine.


Best Practices: To avoid disappointment, stop building huge castles in Spain and needing them to come true so you can be happy. Six-year-old thinking is best left behind in one's first decade.


Hanging onto it into one's fifth decade could well be cause for ceremonial disembowelment.


Going forward, if it's a six-year-old's answer for how to get a six-year-old's emotional needs met, it probably should not be used in setting an expected course for one's life.


Life really does come up roses for some people. But, Selena Quintanilla Perez, I am not.


And, come to think of it, she got shot to death.


Even the people such big dreams come true for pay a bigger price than we know. But, it's time to admit, I'm not the people.


And, really. I think I've already paid enough.


I need to just learn how to be happy going to my job, cleaning the house, and sitting on the couch enjoying the view outside and piddling around on the computer. That's the life I have, and that's the way it will be.


A friend posted on Facebook how her six-year-old is anxious to get a job. He thinks it will be some awesome experience. Others wrote in to commiserate how the kid is likely to be let down once the time gets here.


Someone posted that as a kid, they dreamed of slaying dragons; but no one told them life is just about washing the dishes.


Reasons not to let a six-year-old run your life.                                                                       

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 19, 2020 at 5:05 PM

I noticed something very interesting, looking at the good leg/bad leg transits for this relationship.


It may very well be that a good portion of the relationship transit legs actually go with the choice we had to end the marriage and be together back in 2016. Remember that there was a whole good leg where I was in a relationship and very happy. Then, if you will recall, it sort of disappeared and died out, and the next relationship transits started talking about a codependent relationship around years 2023-2034, where one partner codependently started going along with things he didn't really like, while the second person (presumably me) had Big Career Transits, took her eyes off the relationship to deal with them, and discovered her partner had a codependent fit because of that.


Mayhem ensued, affairs, planned affairs, unhappiness, and what sounded like a nasty divorce. Interestingly enough, Nu Mindframe once did an "alternate universe" tarot reading, and the cards I picked told a story that sounded just like this.


I have to wonder ...  Does this mean my achievement as a writer was tied to whether or not I sunk my teeth into his neck and refused to give him up years ago or not? Because I have found, and I am very sad to say this, that the ONLY way I ever get something I dream of is if I am eventually going to end up in a painful, painful, painful lesson because of it.


I mean, look at this: I met and married my late husband. Look at all the painful lessons there. Cancer, death, early widowhood. Sure, I learned I could stand on my own doing a lot of things I didn't believe I could ... but WHAT an awful way to do it. What an awful outcome. And after only seven years of marriage, too. Sheesh.


I wanted the degree I have. Gosh, what an awful lesson in learning to listen to myself instead of struggling for the approval of parents and family instead.


I wanted Chi. And, for four months, I got him, but look at the painful lessons there. Every page of this website is evidence of that.


Is there any way, ever in this life, I get something I want that doesn't turn ass-horrible?? I'm beginning to think not.


Hear this out: If Chi and I had gotten together, it would have been an enmeshed, codependent relationship. Which would have gone swimmingly at first, since I was all pumped up on Being The All-Knowing Rescuer and he was The One Who Needed Me In Order To Feel Okay About Himself.


We would need to learn this was unhealthy. Therefore, I would have to become a successful writer, so I would have some other Ego-Enhancing Bullshit to take my eyes off of him. We'd need something to fuck the relationship up, so we could see how unhealthy we'd been and have a pile of shit to wade through and a bunch of problems to solve.


Not only that, if I'd gotten what I wanted, I'd have been all ego-gratified and extremely happy, floating on the ecstatic feelings that make magic words flow from my pen. That's always when I've done my best work--when I was all pumped up on ego and believing I was going to be God's gift to publishing. So, yeah, I would have looked at the situation, gone, "Well, I got the guy, didn't I? And look how happy we are! So I'm going to write all about it!" And written a bunch of beautiful prose.


Is it true that I'm only talented when I'm being STUPID and SICK?


Could be. Because since I've been dealing with Reality, I've been so depressed I haven't been able to write shit, and what I have written ... crickets. And people saying, "Ehhh ... we don't think this is much good."


Good Lord. What if my prospects as a writer were tied together with hanging onto Chi at all costs, and I couldn't have one without the other? Because that transit that says, "You got it all and now you're wondering what it was all even for," comes to mind these days. A lot.


So, now that Chi and I are over irretrievably--now, we made the decision and there's no going back and undoing it--I don't need a big career success anymore, so now it's not going to happen? Sounds like Saturn to me. All you get with Saturn is trouble, basically. (At least, if you're me.)


Why would that be? Because every time I was presented with a choice in my life, I was picking things for the wrong reasons.


Career? Because my family would be too angry if I backed out. Because I'd have to listen to them put me down for it for the rest of my life and I was too weak to handle that.


Husband? I was impressed by him and looking for someone to help me out in life. Those weren't the only reasons. I did genuinely love who he was, and even after I began to suspect he might be overestimating where his writing career would take him, I married him anyway--because he was a wonderful person and great to be with, and I loved him the way he was.


Writing? Because I was having such a hard time in that career I was afraid I would be homeless. I saw ONE author, the ONLY author as far as I know, who made a real writing career publishing a fan fiction, and I went "I could do that!" and made up this whole big story for myself about how I'd be a shoo-in at that, and once I was, of course my family would forgive me, because I'd be such a big success at something people admire--PUBLISHING! BESTSELLERS!


It was just a way to get out gracefully, to be excused for not making it, and I was so pumped up on the idea of Public Recognition--because I felt like a failure and I believed it would make me feel better--that that was what I craved, not the actual nuts and bolts of the doing of it. Slogging through hours and hours and hours of just writing. Making a cover. Struggling and struggling and struggling and struggling to get KDP to work right. All the shit you have to do to promote and sell books that doesn't work out anyway.  I mean, all writers dream of Big Success, but how much was my writing about that and about Showing Off How Much I Knew, and What A Great Person I Was, and how much because I actually enjoyed my stories?


Chi? I had always felt inadequate and like I couldn't take care of myself in life, and here was a person successful in his career, and doing all the things well I couldn't do. All he needed was love, and I could give him that and he could take care of me! Poor, poor reasoning, indeed. I'm no better than his wife in this regard. Poor Chi.


At least I grew up and woke up. Last I knew, she hadn't ... and where is he still?


Oh, well. I know now Chi would not have made a good life partner. Not without a SHIT TON of WORK that, at last sight, he was UNWILLING TO DO.


The truism is all the same. At every turn, I get what I want only because it has a HIDEOUSLY painful lesson to teach me, and if it doesn't hold a hideously painful lesson then I don't get to have it.


Lessons learned:


I have to do what I want, not what others want because I am afraid of losing love if I don't do it. If that is how they feel, they really don't love me anyway. I'm not really losing anything. 


Only be with someone if you genuinely love who they are and the relationship really does feel good to you. You will be taught some painful lessons anyway ... but, you know, everyone dies. And I knew he would go first and I chose that anyway because I loved him. (Really ... all that was so tough, if he'd waited til I was this age, I don't know if I physically could have done it.) 


Only choose to do something if you actually enjoy the nuts and the bolts of the time spent in the doing of it. (This is life on planet Earth. You won't get anything else out of it anyway.)


Do Not choose a person because you feel weak and inadequate at life in some way and you think they will compensate for you in that area so you won't have to do it. It Ends VERY Badly.


I don't mean that's all I ever thought of Chi, so I don't care about him now. If he ever showed up, and he was healthy enough, I still could see choosing to be with him because I would like to discover and enjoy who he was. He was a sweet, brilliant person. He just didn't think that of himself.


But ... kinda looks like ... that is never going to happen now in this life.


Figures, doesn't it?


You know, you would think, after all this learning, something could just work out to be good for me just so I could experience something good. When you do the right thing, that is when you are supposed to be rewarded, right?


Doesn't look like it. At least, not from here.


From this vantage point in my life, I see that for all this hardship, all this pain, and all these miserable lessons learned, I have very little now to look forward to. Nothing at all, actually.


So, all I can do from here on in is continue to make good choices.


As far as I can see, those are to accept the tiny little human that I am, to understand that nothing I do is superlative or deserving of any special attention in any way. That is because I am just a human being like all other human beings, not special, not superior the way my parents needed me to be, just an ordinary little old fat woman getting old like all other little old fat women. Just a nobody, nobody special, nobody in particular at all.


AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.


There never was. Everybody is ordinary. I know we think we need to be extraordinary here in the United States in order to be worthy of anything at all--and that's why no one believes ordinary jobs should pay enough to live anymore--but it isn't the truth. Never was. We all need to learn that.


I don't expect much from life anymore. I do not expect Chi. I do not expect another life partner. I will never have a family. I will never have a home with other people, where I belong and I love them and they love me. I will not have much of anything in my old age. I will die alone. And I will spend my days in a pretty boring life until I get there, just going along working at my job til I'm too old and sick to do that anymore, and then doddering on to the nursing home like all other little old ladies.


That's going to be my life. It will be an ordinary life, and my job will be to be happy in it.


LAST LESSON: TO STOP REQUIRING EXTRAORDINARY THINGS IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY IN AN ORDINARY LIFE.


We already have one Donald Trump. Why continue to make myself that obnoxious?


Okay. I've done that. I've gotten there. Now, can bad things stop happening to me, please?

The Transits You Don't Use

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 16, 2020 at 12:20 AM

I've had a pile of page views on here this week. Unfortunately, the locator map isn't working, so I have no clue where anyone is from.

Yesterday, Mars went direct.

(Actually, I had heard both the 13th and the 14th, but it's definitely direct by now.) In six weeks (right about Christmas Day), it will hit the yods one more time and then clear on out of here. Nothing else important will hit the yods for three more years. (Two and a half? I'm going to have to check on that one.)


Why is this important? Because it's pretty much the last stop on our wagon train. We haven't spoken in three years, and you know ... it's highly unlikely somebody's ever going to speak again to someone he hasn't seen in SIX years. So, if nothing happens by Christmas, it never will. Really, one would think it would have been by this weekend, leaving six weeks to wrap things up by Christmas ... but I've been off on timing before.


One stares at ALL THOSE TRANSITS they have coming up that look for all the world like there's no fucking way this marriage is going to stay together, and wonders, How the HELL?           


But, just because you have a pile of transits doesn't mean you have to use them. Look at all the ones Rory got in 2016-2017 that talked about clearing up a lot of childhood issues and putting all your cards on the table to straighten out a relationship that was going badly wrong. Last I heard, she didn't use them. So, although that would seem to make it more likely they'd eventually break up to any reasonable person, they don't have to use the breakup transits, either.

Really, this is what most people do. Get too scared of an uncertain future, and just stay and stagnate. They're in their sixties. It takes an intrepid soul to grit their teeth and get all the way through a "gray divorce."

So, this is where the rubber meets the road. At some point over these past three years in these three charts, the fork in the road was reached. This direction, the breakup/new relationship transits happen, and that direction, they don't. Here's where we find out whether the fork really was three years ago, or whether it's now.

I'm pretty much resigned to it having already happened three years ago. I might have sunk my teeth in and hung on, but I just couldn't do it. It would have been too damaging, especially for him, and I knew that. Although, if I had been able to look at the transits and clearly see that was definitely the end of the road, I don't think I would have been able to do it at the time. The only way I could do it at all was if I still had some hope to hang onto. So, I did the right thing for the wrong reasons.

I doubt very seriously that I will ever find another relationship partner again. I still get the transits in 2 1/2 - 3 years, but I'm pretty sure they were supposed to be him. Why? Moon opp Neptune! (Whoops--actually it's a trine. Trines are better than opps! Wayyy better.) That's the transit I get, and that's his transit. He and I have it in both our Davison and our composite, and guess what? SO DO THEY. (Well, in their composite, anyway. In their Davison it's Mars opp Neptune, which is just as bad.)


Plus, the transits in our charts that describe the relationship that ensues talk about a couple who either drowns in an enmeshed codependent relationship or gets well, and that sure as heck would be what we would deal with. Not only that, but career transits affect the relationship, which I am forecasted to have.


Something tells me I'll be skipping those. For one thing, it doesn't look as if any other kind of relationship presents itself, and for another, I really don't care to look for anyone else. (What idiot would want to risk going through this again? Besides, I'm becoming a fat little muffin of a dried-up old woman with no libido anyway. What do I need a man for?)

If he doesn't come back, fine. I'm pulling in my anchor and sailing off into the horizon alone.

So, having said that, I've made One Big Decision.

I am Officially Tired Of Fighting Life.


And I'm not going to do it any more.


Within a certain time frame, I need to see some positive signals that things I've wanted, tried for, and waited for for a long time--writing and Chi--actually have a chance in Hell.


With Chi, obviously, it's the next six weeks. (Really, it's this weekend. I think the odds from here on in are nil.) I need to see a positive signal by Christmas, or I know I'm never going to see one, ever.

(So what was that shit in August?? If it's the last I ever see of him, funny it happened right after Mars went retrograde and hit the tip of the yods.)
 


With writing, I have to give it at least another year, because I don't get the good transits for that until 2022, at the very earliest (2022-2025).


But, seriously. I've had a shit life. I'm sick and tired, sick and tired, sick and tired, sick and tired, of hoping and hoping and battling and battling for things that never had a chance. I'm sick of telling myself I'm something I'm not, looking like a moron, and ending up profoundly disappointed and badly, badly let down. For the rest of my life, I need to choose things that don't let me down, and from the vantage point of 52 mostly miserable years on this rock, that doesn't include much.


I actually have a transit right now that talks about being ready to just give up on a pile of goals and objectives, especially those that came from a sick childhood. Well, what didn't come from my sick childhood? Chi sure as fuck did. And, you know what, writing did, too. It was the only way I could deal with feeling like such a failure all the time--forecast this bright future for myself that someday, someday, I'd do something brilliant and finally, finally reach.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 


But, you know, thinking about that, that sounds not only like an accurate description of my feelings, but darn good advice. If nothing is working out, why not throw it the fuck out and just start all over again? Why not just lose, absolutely LOSE, everything I liked, wanted, dreamed of, or thought I was all the way from birth up til yesterday, and do completely different things and be a completely different person?

I mean, really. Does it look like I even have any choice?

So. In the new year, no more Chi. No more relationships, no more men, period. I Am Single For The Rest Of My Life. I kept asking, and life kept saying no, so okay. The Answer Is No. I'm a fat little old lady doddering down the dirt roads to the nursing home alone. Okay.


Really. There's only but so many times you can hear the word no.

Writing? I guess the only thing left to do is start posting the Chi novel up on Wattpad, which I did start this weekend. I need to see some positive sign that it isn't hopeless before January 1. 2022. If I don't, I'm giving writing up for good. It's so much work and so much effort, for no reason anymore, really. I'm tired of struggling and struggling against hopeless odds and no one gives a shit.

I have a backup plan: I'm going to make jewelry from now on, if (when) writing doesn't work out. I love jewelry. I love precious and semi-precious stones. Besides, the stones just ARE. You don't have to struggle and struggle for five goddamned years on an opening chapter and still it isn't right. A beautiful stone is beautiful the way it is.

Plus, I've discovered that some jewelry artists I like are way overcharging. I guess if you have a big name you overcharge because you can, but when I see a necklace for almost $900 and I see I can assemble the pieces and make almost the same thing buying some of it off of ebay and end up spending a quarter of that ... I'm going to! I love beautiful things, and back when I was a teenager, I used to make things and do handicrafts. I haven't in years, because life got so damned busy and hard, and I was spending what time I had either writing or depressed over all the horrible things that have happened.

So I guess I don't have to give up everything from childhood. Maybe jewelry was what I should have been doing all along anyway!


Well, not according to my horoscope. Class last week was on reading life purpose in the natal chart, and you wouldn't believe all the stuff in mine that points to making money writing.

But you know, if it's going to happen, then it actually has to happen. I'm about out of ideas, and I'm about out of time. You can't be much older than 52 if you're going to break in at all. Building a career takes a decade, one book at a time. And I am NOT the fastest writer.


If I'm really supposed to be/do/have these things, then the Universe has to send me positive signals, because I'm tired of being dicked around. I'm tired, period.

Universe: You're On Notice.
 


If you don't want me to give up and just become someone else completely, you've got to start helping me out.If I don't see hope and help, I've really had enough.


I've had it. I'm at the end of my rope.


I'm ready to start taking NO for an answer. If no is all you can say, then no is what I'm going to act on. 

The Worst Mistake I Made

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on October 11, 2020 at 11:40 PM

This is going to be challenging, going on alone. I remember this person every single hour. I can't erase him from my thoughts. A healthier person would have found someone else awayyyy back yonder and been married three or four years now, but not me. I liked this guy from the night I met him.

Twenty-two years is a long time. A shame it will amount to absolutely nothing, when it could have been so much more.


But I recognize here one awful thing I am doing to this person just by being the way I am. I am dependent on him for my happiness. And one thing one should never, ever do to a sick codependent is make him responsible for your happiness.


They can't even be responsible for their own happiness! How the fuck are they supposed to be responsible for yours??


Of course, the longer you're with someone, having them around does become part of your happiness. That's why widows and widowers suffer so much. But this was different. We were acquaintance/friends a long time, but we were only "together" four months. Four months!


THIS is the very reason he couldn't leave his marriage! He felt responsible for everyone else's happiness. His wife's, of course. His adult children's. Everybody who was looking at him funny because he moved out. His cousin, his brother. He even felt responsible for the happiness of his wife's brother and sister! Which was ridiculous, as far as I could tell. As well as I could gather, they don't even live in the state. And he never really even sounded as if he liked them!


So here I come, p-p-poor, b-b-baby-baby me, and declare I'll never be happy again without him! (Well, I never actually said that, but c'mon. Codependents are practically mind-readers. It's part of their equipment to survive childhood.)


Sheesh. I would have run away, too.

He'll never see this, because from the time I posted that address to the person from his neighborhood who kept visiting here, he's never come back. So, I'll just send this out into the ether:


Chi, I'm really sorry I put so much on you. You don't have the power to actually make anyone else happy. I know that the sum total of a codependent childhood is that we grow up feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions and not for our own, so I should never, ever have done that to you. I am an independent person and completely responsible for myself. You are not responsible for my happiness, EVER. You are responsible for your own.


(And I hope you get crackin', because you are about to turn 62. It's kind of hard to do this in the nursing home while you wee-wee in your Depends.)


What an awful thing. I should have known better. I mean, I do know better, but I never quite looked at it like this. Here's poor Chi, feeling awful for upsetting his adult daughter and all the rest of the family, and now he has to feel guilty about me, too?? Nope. Not me. From now on, I'm responsible for myself. Nobody else is.

Of course, this is a tall order for me, because I have so little left to create any happiness out of. I have no close loved ones at all. I have no family. I have a couple of friends, but I'm not that close to one of them, and I don't feel like I can whine all the time to the other one. (Although ... this person owes me a few.)


I used to love writing, but that was before I threw away all the childish ideas I had about it. It was going to make me successful, it was going to allow me to quit my job, it was going to win me people who would love me, it was going to prove I was competent and not a loser. Nope, nope, nope, and nope.

I only have one (1) story idea now, and it was one my writer's group didn't think was particularly good. So, oh, well. Not much point even getting excited about it. But, this one stupid little thing is all I have left.

I recognize that I'm going to have to do something else with my time than think about someone who's never coming back. I will never see this person again. And that stupid little story is all I have to do.

I wasn't going to post it up on Wattpad until I finished my first rewrite, but I see I am going to have to start posting it. Otherwise, I'll never finish it. I'll just sit alone and mope and cry and pine and never, ever stop, if I don't have a posting schedule to stick to. Between that and finishing posting my old fan fic I quit posting, like, a year ago, some eighty chapters will take me over a year if I post a chapter a week.

And I'm going to need it. After all the horrible, horrible years I've had in my life, my chart is assuring me 2021 will be the WORST year ever. Originally it was going to be because Chi dumped me, but now even that isn't going to happen. It's just going to be me, sitting here waiting out the pandemic all alone.

I am determined not to have that horrible a year, and this is the only way I can figure out how to do it.

Of course, I could still ruin it, if no one reads my postings and I get as depressed over that as I did over nobody reading me on Medium. I'm going to have to learn how not to do that anymore. The only way I can figure out how to do that is to treat it as an exercise in self-acceptance. If the story bombs on Wattpad (which it probably will), then there's simply no hope for it, and I don't have any ideas for any more, so that will be it for me as a writer. I'll just have to finish posting it and find something else to do with the rest of my life.

I should note that this is not forecasted to happen. I'm supposed to write something that takes off in the years 2022-2025. And this is the only original thing I've got, so it must be this one.


But then again, I was supposed to touch base with Chi again before the end of this year, and we see how that's going. It would be so much easier to believe in the former if I could see that this actually came true. It sucks so much that every other time he was forecasted to show up, he actually spoke, or I could catch him sniffing around.


So, of course, this time I won't see him. This time was crucial for a reason, and if he doesn't make this meet, it's highly likely we'll just never see each other ever again in this life.


Since I can't count on anything I want to ever work out, all I can do is practice self-acceptance instead of depression or self-condemnation when things I wish for don't happen. Chi isn't coming around because I'm a bad person. I think I've proven that here. (It's a rare mistress who sends the guy back to a neglectful/semi-abusive wife three times. And I'm learning my lessons. Not in time to apologize to him for all of them, but I am.)


The last time we spoke, the last thing both of us said was, "I love you." And, I have to say, that's not a bad way to leave someone behind forever. A lot of people whose loved ones died wish they could have been as lucky.


So, WHEN (not if, but WHEN) my story bombs on Wattpad, I will just take that in stride. Just because other people don't think I'm good enough doesn't mean I have to think that. Just because other people reject me doesn't mean I have to reject myself. I've never done that before, so this is my chance to accomplish that before I die.


To that end, I dragged myself through the grocery store today, and while there I bought a lovely bunch of fall flowers. I came home and cleaned all the floors so it won't look so trashy in here. First throwing my back out and then being very depressed all summer, I have let the housework go to the point it was sort of like sitting in a dump.


It looks very nice in here now. So, while I'm sitting here by myself, working myself to death on something nobody's going to notice, I can enjoy a clean house and a lovely vase of flowers.


This place doesn't look half bad when it's clean, really. I have all these battery-operated lights everywhere and a tiny little fountain, so it's pretty cool. All I have to do is wait for Christmas lights to come out and I can replace the strand on the ceiling that burnt out. The little neighbor boy upstairs always says it looks like paradise down here. WHEN I clean.


I may not be able to stop myself from thinking about Chi and feeling sad (well, I guess that's guaranteed, since the story was inspired by all this), but at least I will have something to do. I wish I could come up with something better, but I can't, and I have to get the stupid story done just in case the astrology is right on this one, so here goes.


If anyone does read this, feel free to hit the contact page and write me. It gets lonely here during the ol' pandemic.

STILL Growing Up From Childhood

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on October 8, 2020 at 9:25 PM

I was in so much better a mood when I started that last post. For a short moment, I could see my life as so much better than I've been seeing it, and I could feel happy. But, I had to be somewhere, and I had to stop writing, and I couldn't get back to it, and ...

I had to go back to work. And I was there all by myself. And it was like that for three days. And my days were d-r-a-i-n-i-n-g. And I dragged myself home, and I was all alone.

And I would remember dragging through the door drained every night when I was married, and having my wonderful husband to come home to. No matter how shitty my day was, when I got home he would be there, and whatever else I had to do, I'd get home and the lights would already be on, and he would be there to hug me and greet me and be so glad I was home, and we'd be making dinner and talking about whatever video we put on, or whatever he'd written that day. Or whatever happened during my day.

Or I'd get home first and I'd be in the shower, and halfway through my shower, he'd be there pulling the shower curtain back to greet me with a kiss. And I would know that whatever shit I had dragged myself through that day, this was the reason. And if I didn't feel like going to the gym or jogging or spending hours making a healthy raw diet or whatever it was I had to do, doing those things would help me stay healthy and this was why I wanted to stay healthy.

For the first time in my life, I had a home. I had a real home, and something wonderful at the end of the day to look forward to.

Now I drag myself home and I'm drained and there's nothing happy there. I'm all alone. And I have the memory of years ago when I came home and there was a reason for all this that was happy, and goodness was always waiting and I was grateful. Now I go to work and it's draining, and I come home and it's draining, and everything takes it out of me and nothing puts anything back.


And I just have to sit here and remember that it all used to be different. And I'm old, so it won't be anymore.

And of course, I also remember that if things had gone differently with Chi, it didn't have to be this way.

(Of course, I know that isn't true. I understand now that he isn't well enough for having him to come home to, to be anything but a problem. How could that be, when a person--*plink!*--is completely unaware of their own feelings the living instant they sense you aren't on the same page? How could that be if they start putting themselves down the living instant you disagree? How could that be if they immediately defer to you, pretend they're okay, and then spend the next five years growing resentful, and then they talk about it to complete strangers while pretending to you that everything's fine? And they're depressed all the time, but you don't know it until everything blows sky high and ruins your life? That is not something to come home to that you can count on. That is not something that will make you happy. But with a person like this, it's highly probable.)

But this person was all I had. And now I have no one.

And on nights when I come home from yet another blah day, this really isn't helpful to me. At all. Neither is remembering the days that were so much better than this.

I'm exhausted. And it's like, What's the point? Even though I can appreciate that so much has gone right for me that hasn't/doesn't go right for so, so many other people ... it still isn't good enough.

And that's why I still, still, still, STILL


need to grow up from childhood.

As a tiny naked baby, two-year-old, five-year-old, you can't do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G for yourself. Including having feelings of the emotional fullness of just being alive.

Picture this. The baby lies alone in its crib. It wakes up; but no one comes. It feels hungry; but no one comes. The baby wets itself and cries; but no one comes.


When no one comes, the baby can't do anything. All it can do is lie there, feel empty and miserable, and cry.


Only a baby waits for a parent to come into the room and fill it up with good feelings. The rest of us can get up ourselves.


Normally, I hate conservatives. I really do. They insist that every person is basically all alone in the world, and should not get anything they don't work for themselves. The rich, of course, are completely free to exploit people, but the poor person is completely on his own. This attitude totally ignores the fact that some places, there are no jobs anymore. Some people had shitty rotten childhoods with shitty rotten schools and no money and they can't "better themselves" without some help. Some people got evicted and now they're on a downward slide of no home = no job = no opportunity to get their hands on money = no money = no home. Racism plays a part. Conservatives ignore all of this, and I hate that.

However, it would seem that the Universe, not materially but emotionally, is conservative.

We may actually need people to help us materially in life, but emotionally and spiritually we're supposed to be evolving into strong, single, solitary people who can do everything we need emotionally for ourselves.


We're not supposed to remain a baby in a crib, utterly emotionally bereft unless our parent comes in in the morning, croons a happy good morning, and picks the baby up. When we're babies, someone else coming into the room is the sunshine that lights our world. Without them, there is no sunshine. Without them, there is nothing.


But when we're adults, we're responsible for everything in our lives, all by ourselves. We're supposed to provide the meaning, we're supposed to provide the happiness, we're supposed to provide the purpose, we're supposed to provide the energy, all and everything we need, with no other people, no help at all.


We can't be waiting around for someone else to come along and fill us up. We are supposed to fill ourselves up with ourselves, and not with someone else.


Now: This guy was supposed to come back. EVERY time I do a card reading, it STILL says that. And this agrees with the astrology. But, you know what?


Even if there once was a "soul contract." Even if we really did plan all this before we were born, as some spiritual traditions suggest. Even if it really is reflected in the stars, as astrology teaches. Even if this is when it was originally supposed to be, and this is why I can't do a card reading that doesn't say this:


IT DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN.

This is life on planet Earth. Anything can go wrong. OK, so something happened, and now it's all off. Maybe they went back to counseling. Maybe they got back together. Maybe nothing ever changed, and he's so beaten he's going to just go belly-up and they're going to spend the rest of their relationship in stagnation. Sure looks that way, doesn't it? It doesn't matter. I last heard from him three years ago; he never came back; it's over. Period. The end.

(For their sakes, I hope they got back together. Who wants to spend twenty-five years and then the whole rest of their life in miserable stagnation with some person they're afraid to leave, putting on an act for the fam?)


But, you know what? It isn't my business anymore. If he doesn't come back--and he hasn't, and it's almost the end of the year--to make it my business again, it's not my business. I'm alone with work and chores and that's my life, and that's what my business is. It's my only business from now on.


The fact is, I am alone. I'm fifty-two. Healthy, compatible people aren't there. It doesn't look as if anyone ever will be again. I am not a baby in a crib. 


I am not supposed to be utterly dependent emotionally on other people. There ARE no other people. And when we're in the nursing home at 87, not able to do very much but sit, contemplate, and wait to die, most of them don't have other people, either.


I'm supposed to learn to fill myself up with myself, not collapse emotionally because no one is here.


If all people could do is collapse without others, there'd be a lot of people unable to do anything, feel happy, accomplish anything at all, as long as they were alone. And that's not the way humans are supposed to be. We're supposed to evolve from emotionally helpless babies to completely healthy, emotionally self-sufficient adults.


The fact is, I have to do this work even if the cards are still right and the guy shows up. Because I know that even if he did show up, he's still not ready, and he's gone again by the first of the year. And I'm alone a-n-y-w-a-y. So I will STILL have to do this work.


Chances are, the guy is gone forever anyhow.


So why not just forget this person, and skip straight there?

This is an awful weight, because I have no energy with which to tackle it. But I have to, because there's simply no other choice. How is a person supposed to do this, with no energy and pretty much no outlook for anything that's much good from now on? All I have to look forward to is work, chores, aging, and the nursing home. There's nothing much positive there to work with.

But, I have to anyway. Oh, well.

This is why I scoured the astrology for so long and hung on and tried so hard not to give up on him. Because I tried to find other people, and he did show up three times before when he was "supposed" to, and I hoped I'd find another makeshift family eventually, but other people never worked out and they never worked out and they never worked out and they never worked out. And now it's covid 19, so who can even meet anybody? Who can even go anywhere?

And who would want to meet me? I'm so sick of life, and so sick of disappointment, and so sick of people, I have nothing to offer anyone anymore.


If I knew I was completely alone in life forever more, and might as well never bother remembering anyone from the past ever again, because that's all over and all it does is make me sad, and I just had to fill my own life and thoughts up completely on my own, what would I even come home from this draining job and do?


How could I even come home from shitty days like these and feel happy at all? Since I pretty much do expect nothing from life now. And there's nothing at home but more work.

(I mean, really. Who could realistically expect anything much from life after the way all this shit turned out?)


I'm not going to buoy myself up on silly childish daydreams about how I'm going to be An Author someday. I know those things don't happen. Dreams like that give a person a lot of energy, but when they don't come true they cost more energy and happiness than they were ever worth. That's not a good way to try to power yourself through life.


What is? THAT is the question.



Growing Up From Childhood

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on October 5, 2020 at 12:10 AM

If you're going through any life crisis, I heartily recommend getting your hands on books and reading as much about the world as you can.

Not only does it matter to pick up anything you can about your specific issue/s (BPD? Codependent? Drug abuse? I don't care if it is depressing, you have an obligation to yourself to find out all about it you can), but reading true work about social issues can have unexpected benefits.


Take, for instance, https://www.amazon.com/Evicted-Poverty-Profit-American-City/dp/0553447459/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=evicted+book&qid=1601828353&sr=8-2" target="_blank">this book. Any idiot who truly believes "poor people are just lazy and don't want to work and that's the whole problem" isn't allowed to speak to me ever again unless and until they read this book. The stories in here will break your heart.

But, besides making me deeply angry at idiot conservatives who don't read or listen but believe they know it all, what did reading this do for my mental health?

Well ... I had always thought the simple solution was that people need to get paid more. And that is part of it, but I never, ever realized how exploitative the system we have of landlords and renting is in this country. These assholes collect rent in their old clothes and hide their jewelry and drive their oldest cars and plead poverty to the residents, while they're actually multimillionaires with condos in Florida who take several vacations a year.


They charge rent equal to nice new apartments in good areas of the city for dilapidated housing in ghettos, where the plumbing doesn't work and they just blame the renter rather than fixing the plumbing. Why? People are so desperate for housing that it's easy to evict them and find somebody else to charge more rent to, and go on living like kings off housing you sure wouldn't want your grandma living in, or anyone else, for that matter.

This book follows the perfectly awful things that happen to people who get evicted in this way, and reading it I suddenly realized how very, very, very lucky I am. I had my problems establishing my career, but it could have been SO much worse if I had ever gotten evicted. I mean, I knew that, but even I didn't know this stuff went on.


And it hit me:  These people all had friends and family, and it didn't matter.


I have been living my whole life as if only relationships mattered and nothing else.


When the truth is, I have been incredibly, incredibly blessed.


I now see how close to the top of society I really am. I have had a lot of the problems of these people, but because of the accident that I was born white and not black, I got to struggle with the same problems in a much better environment.

Good schools with good, caring teachers saved me, even when I had a mentally ill mother at home and was so bereft of love as a little child that every few years I fell in love with a new teacher. If only people at home acted like my teachers did!


I was the pariah of the entire school, laughed at and picked on, but at least I had good instruction and teachers who made sure I knew I was capable at something. And I didn't go home to food insecurity, a falling-down house where the sinks and toilet didn't work, or the hot water couldn't be used because it put out carbon monoxide and the landlord wouldn't fix it, and we were terrified of getting put out if we complained too much.


And my family may have been mentally ill, but at least they were solidly middle class. They may have been far too harsh with me about chores and grades, but at least I made the grades that got me into college. A kid with a troubled family needs these minimum, minimum things if they're ever going to fight their way to better emotional health.


And better emotional health = better functioning on the job and better functioning in society. Because I could read, I picked up the mental health materials we had lying around our house and I goddamned learned something from them ... even when my mother couldn't. Because I learned something from all I've read, I see why the people in these books couldn't come back from some of the same issues my mother had, and how her caste in society has protected her even though she has the same minimal functioning as these individuals, for the same reasons--poor parenting, heritable mental illness in the family, childhood sexual abuse.


Instead of being trapped in a blinding, grinding cycle of poverty, disaster, disaster, poverty, I was able to work through my problems. It's taken me fifty-two years, but I could do it. I could not have if any of my periods of unemployment had led me into these people's situations.


Even when it looked hopeless, even when I was terrified no one would ever hire me again and I'd be homeless (and I was girding my loins to do that rather than ever go home again), even when it looked like I'd never, ever have any stability and I'd better look out because I was about to be poor for good, I was actually making it. I just couldn't see it. Now I read stuff like this, and I see how close to the top I really am, even though all that has stood out to me for the past ten years is relationship, relationship, relationship.

When I got married, I thought it finally proved I was normal. Because no child who has no friends ... gets laughed at and picked on all day ... then goes home to a screeching, angry, mentally ill mother who demands you run the vacuum right now or she's going to hit you with a flyswatter ... and tells you she wishes your one little friend were her daughter and not you, because she set the table without being asked ... ever feels like a person who's an okay human being who will ever have a normal, loving relationship with anyone.

And then I got married, and I had friends for a while, and it was SO marvelous. And then it was gone again.

So of course it was all that mattered.

Why is it that the one need you have that isn't met, is always the only thing that matters? If we could just be happy with what we do have and ignore the thing we don't have, how much better off we would be. Always we assume that one thing would solve all our problems, when (at least in my case), it would probably lead to worse problems.  
                      

Me, Myself, and I

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on September 26, 2020 at 5:25 PM

Me, myself, and I

That's all I've got in the end

That's what I found out

And there ain't no need to cry

Took a vow that from now on I'm gonna be my own best friend


--Beyonce Knowles


So: Mars hits the yod Saturn in four more days. Then it hits one last time at Christmas. The end of the year was scheduled to be the end of the relationship (for about 3.5 more years). Of course, without a beginning, there's no new end. Just the old end ... three years ago.


So of course this weekend I ask myself: Do I really expect to hear from this guy again in the next four days? Or the week after that?

I have to say: No.


I mean, c'mon. Really? A person whose face I haven't seen in five years? Someone I haven't spoken to in three years?

Nope.

What's saddest about this for me, I think, is the end of any idea of being with someone close, someone who's like family, someone I love who loves me. Precious good times with a dear friend as close to you as breathing. I think this is the end of that for this lifetime.

I don't expect to meet anyone else. (I mean, it's covid-19. How am I supposed to meet anybody? I'm afraid to go anywhere!)

But it's more than that. I'm getting older, and my mind and body are aging. I'm not a young chick anymore. I have absolutely ZERO libido, and I'm a fat, dumpy old lady body type who doesn't have the energy, stamina, or lack of aches and pains that I used to have. I'm not at that stage of life anymore.

I'm no longer a young girl looking forward to getting married and setting up a home. I did that already. I have a home.

All I'm looking at is doing all the chores in it by myself ... growing old in it by myself ... having my first heart attack, my first stroke, or my first cancer diagnosis ... in it ... by myself.

I've already had all manner of sickness all by myself the last seven years I've spent alone. Believe me, you haven't lived until you've spent the night stuck in an awkward position on your bed, unable to move because your back hurts so much, and no one can hear you screaming and you just have to grit those teeth and get yourself moved by yourself. Or throwing up and having diarrhea so often you're weak as a kitten, wondering if you should really be calling an ambulance, and struggling into a pair of adult diapers so you don't mess the bed.

At least we have Grubhub now. That solves the problem of being too sick or immobile to cook for oneself. (If you have enough money, that is.)


I used to have dreams of what I might want a new life with someone else to look like. But slowly, they've been ground down by the reality of what life with Chi would have looked like: Several years of "Yes, dear," and the appearance of happiness ... until the reality of him getting depressed and moving out happened. Of course, now I know about hideous codependency, so it would probably go more like this: If we were disagreeing and not getting along, I could probably relax and trust that that was the real him.

But if things looked happy--!


If everything looked peaceful and OK and I was happy and it looked like he was happy ... I would never be able to relax.


Always, always, I would be thinking: Is it the truth? Is he for real? Or does he just not know he's unhappy yet? Is he unhappy and hiding it? Is he complaining about me to people across town he hardly knows? Is he telling the truth? Is he telling the truth??    


I think I've written this before, but living with a codependent with NO sense at all of his own self would be like Dr. McCoy's immortal line from ST IV: "Pardon me, but do we have any way of knowing if this is the real you?"


And nobody wants to live like that.


The truth is, my life has taught me over and over and over and over that people cannot be trusted. Even the deeply good people who genuinely don't want to hurt anyone are sick, too sick to behave healthily toward themselves and you in a relationship.

My husband wasn't like that. But that relationship, like the all-too-few good ones I have had in my life, was all too short. I envy Rory her good, lifelong friendships. I don't have a single one and I never will.


The truth is that all relationship exists for only one purpose: the transmission of painful, painful, painful, painful lessons. Even my marriage existed to teach me the painful lesson of discovering I could handle a lot of hard, hard stuff essentially by myself.


And I have to say that I am very, very, veryvery tired of painful, painful, painful, painful lessons. It's nice to have astrology to give you a heads-up, but really. Who enters what looks like a blissful love affair expecting or wanting to have their heart ripped out, or the most malignant cancer known after less than five years of marriage?


And yet that's what happens to me, every time.


I have about had it with painful, painful, painful, painful lessons. Who wants to stick their neck out for another one of these at my age??


Not I, said the little red hen.

If he had've shown up, I could have had hope.  Only the person most unwilling to tolerate the pain of his own emotional problems would show the fuck up again after three years and make some desperate stab at changing things, however clumsy and inelegant. If I had seen that, I have the road map for the rest of it. But if you don't even see that, well ...

There's no hope.

As if there ever is. You can't make another person get well.

I can't save Chi, any more than I could save my mentally ill mother. I hung onto hope for Mom for a long time. If she just had've gone to therapy and really, really tried, I could have hung in there. I can and will do anything for someone who's really trying, really trying to change.

But most people aren't. And I'm tired.

I'm not putting up with any more of it.

It's all very sad. The saddest thing is looking back at the all-too-fleeting good times I had with other people and knowing that's all in the past.

All I ever wanted in life was to be part of a good, loving, healthy family.


Oh, well.


One thing I can say for sure: Success doesn't really matter that much. Neither does more money than you really need. So what if I ever write that book and it sells? It will still be the same me. The same little old lady, dying alone in the same wheelchair and hospital bed in the same nursing home, all by myself.


Well. I'm constructed rugged and well-equipped for a life by myself. Really, except for about fifteen years there, that's all I've ever had. (And the fifteen years I'm talking about were not growing up.)


The only way to go forward is to just stop looking back at what used to be. I'm not that girl anymore. I'm a whole different person now, and that person has a solitary trail from this day forward.


Emphasis on the word, forward.


I drift back and forth between being so, so sad at what I won't have in my life anymore, and trying to figure out how to just put thoughts of all that behind me so they don't make me sad anymore. I mean, why not just live in the present, with what there is, instead of being that girl who still expects relationship to other people right around the corner like it was in my twenties? It's not.


Most old people in our society are alone. I have to say that a life alone, in my tiny little place, doing chores by myself and scratching away at obscure writings no one will ever give a shit about just doesn't look very happy compared to what I used to have. But I have no choice now but to just make it as cozy as I can and be thankful that I've been delivered from any more sick relationships with any more sick people. Being by myself doing chores is a LOT better than a hideous divorce when I'm seventy-one.


One way I  look at it is, the decision not to ever come back is Chi's decision. And I am not to decide anything for him. HE is to decide his life for him. So I say, "I accept your decision." If things are still bad over there, I wish this outcome wasn't the truth. I pray it's not the truth. But chances are, it's the truth.


I'm so, so sorry about it. I would rather have had it the other way, but who knows? Astrology isn't set in stone. For all I know, they went back to marriage counseling and they're fine now! (Their charts bet heavily against it, however.)

The thing is, you can't live the rest of your life in sorrow about something that happened three years ago. If Chi chooses not to show up now, it's highly, highly unlikely he'll choose to show up ever, ever again. I mean, sure, now and then you hear of people who get back with their high school sweetheart they haven't seen in thirty years, and voila! They're the one!


But, come on. That almost never happens. And it's important to live in reality. If I don't hear from Chi now, what the fuck is the likelihood I ever will four years from now, when we haven't seen each other in nine years and haven't spoken in seven??

ZERO.


So, if Chi chooses not to come back now, more than likely it's the very, very end. After all, where are all the transits where Rory confronts An Inconvenient Truth about her marriage?


The next four months. So, if I don't see him, the only thought any person can live with long term is, "I accept your decision."


Boy, this is the saddest thing I've ever done. It's different when someone dies. But, there's nothing else I can do.



Chi, I accept your decision.


And that's that.



       


Yeah.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on September 19, 2020 at 7:15 PM

As so often happens, I went on YouTube and the first suggested video related to a question on my mind:

Should you wait for this person or not?


The card pile I picked said:


You have a fantasy of this person that's not the reality of this person. (Yeah ... I figured that out already.) And the reason you have it is you don't have faith in yourself to be able to put the things in your life that you need, and you're trying to rely on this person to do that for you. But the fact is you really can do everything you need for yourself, and you need to just put this relationship down for a while while you work on being everything you need for yourself instead of being aggrieved that others are not providing it for you. Maybe once you get something accomplished for yourself, you can go back to the relationship, but not now.


Yep. Look at our transits ... same story.


Apparently I AM supposed to be able to achieve something by myself.


Sure doesn't look like it from here.


I had to think, though. Who doesn't think they can be, do, or have anything at all without some bigger, stronger person they look up to? A little child, that's who. Who else is lost without Mommy or Daddy and if those caretaking figures are gone, sinks into utter despair? A little child. A tiny, tiny girl who's helpless to do anything for herself.

Yeah, growing out of codependency and ACOA needs to be done here, but he isn't the only person who needs to learn how to grow up. 


       

Good Grief, MORE Readings. So if this really happened ... ?

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on September 11, 2020 at 9:30 PM

So Nu Mindframe put up her September readings this week. Yup. Here are these predictions AGAIN.They're all about a relationship that broke up despite good intentions on the part of those involved to build something together. Because something was standing in the way, the people didn't have the tools to build the relationship ... and now, here the relationship is again. How we had a separation and it was a good thing, because the same cycle would have repeated if we'd gotten back together in 2017.

And THAT'S why I said no three years ago ... because I looked at the transits and saw that very sad story played out.

Good grief ... How many times am I going to hear this? Mars hits Saturn again on the 30th, so ...

It's kind of weird hearing this now after all this time. For years now I've thought it would be THE happiest day I've had in a long time. And, when I saw him show up on the 28th, I was thrilled ... for about ten minutes.


Now that I'm being told it's right around the corner ... I don't know. All these years I clung to the fantasy of what I hoped would happen. I still needed to be that much-beloved younger child-person who finally had someone bigger, someone stronger, a family, someone to lean on.


But, now that I know what's really over there: a codependent who gets lost in everyone else's feelings and doesn't know his own, one who covers his feelings with oil paint instead of being able to reflect and know what he wants, one who instinctively alters his own feelings to match those of everyone around him because he thinks approval and love are the same thing ...


One who says, "Whatever you want, dear," doesn't even know he's unhappy for five years, then pushes the awareness down for five more years, then when he finally acknowledges that he's unhappy, he resents you because YOU "made him do it" ...


Ohhhh, boy. For the seventeen years I knew the person before all this happened, he looked so different. And then I believed it for, like, three more years.


Ohhhh, but now I know.


I also know this person has the stuff to change. This person, unlike my mentally ill mother, has the stuff to do better. However, I know this does not happen now under any circumstances. This person has three more years of hard work to do. He doesn't get his good emotional work transits for another three years or so. If I see him, I'm gonna get dumped. NO doubt about it.


Besides, although I longed to get the chance to discuss this with the person for all these years ... if he shows up this time, she finds out.


We do not get out of this without her finding out this time.


And that's some scary shit. It isn't scary in fantasy when it's three years away, but when it's looming up in three weeks, and you might have all this responsibility for other people's welfare placed in your hands ... that. Is. Sobering.



(I wish Donald Trump took his responsibilities with half the solemnity and responsibility I feel right now.)


I know why Rory is the way she is. I know she isn't a mean person, and I don't hate her. I know she's a wounded person, and that's why she does what she does. But, she needs a fire lit under her ass if she's ever going to wake up, and make no mistake about it, these transits are the last time in her life she's going to have to wake the fuck up in this matter. She had good ones before, and due to the attitudes of both Rory and therapist, these opportunities got wasted. 


She needs the wakeup call, and I'm the wakeup call.


This will not be a pleasant duty. Oh, for all the times I fantasized about chewing her out back in the day! But I didn't know what reality was at that time ... and now I do. Being the instrument of someone else's broken heart is not really what I want to do.


Then again ... if she doesn't wake up, she's going to be the instrument of her own broken heart.


Ai, ai, ai. What a mess if this really happens. What a mess, what a mess, what a mess. She's going to hate me, his kids are going to hate me, everyone who knows him is going to hate me.


And I don't even want this guy! Not the way he is now. The way he is now, he can't have a real relationship with anyone ... because he doesn't have enough access to his real self to avoid going a looong way down a road that will make him unhappy ... before he even wakes up and realizes he's unhappy!


This is one toxic and dangerous trait that's probably the worst you can be with in a relationship. Because it ruins everything silently for years and years while it looks like everybody's happy. And HE KNOWS IT'S HAPPENING ... but he won't tell you.


This would never have happened with my late husband and me. He knew himself too well, and he always put up his dukes and fought for his happiness. On the surface, that looks like a terrible thing in a relationship, because it often leads to fighting.


But, while we're fighting, I know you and you know me. We are under NO illusions about What Really Is. Because if we don't know what's really true about our relationship and about the other person, we can't possibly, possibly make good decisions for it. Ever.



I'm pretty sure I'm not going to fuck up and fall for some indication from this guy that he's really going to leave or really ready to leave. So far these charts have never steered me wrong, and they are elaborately clear: THIS GUY'S NOT READY YET. STAY THE FUCK AWAY.


So my job, should all these predictions be true, is clear. I am not allowed to try to poach this guy, or to entertain any thoughts of him leaving the marriage at this time.  


I am allowed to do one thing and one thing only: Push the system toward greater health.


That's going to be the tricky part, because I won't have any specifics until I get there, and then I'm going to have to think on my feet. All I can say is that I have an idea right now what "greater health" looks like, and that would be: Me moving on for the next three years alone. Me impressing upon this person how very, very very important it is that this individual find a therapist who specializes in getting stuck codependents unstuck, and overcome his allergy to learning about his condition. And leaving him once again in the care of his wife, who's going to get one nasty wakeup call if her transits over the next year are at all accurate.


All I can do for the greater health of this situation is share everything I've been given to understand about it over these five and a half years. If she knew what I know, no doubt she'd find herself a whole lot more willing to apply herself. If she does not, the consequences will be dire, and I won't be anywhere around when they happen. I took a look at her transits for her late seventies. I wouldn't want to live those motherfuckers for all the whiskey in Ireland.



This really is the last chance these two people have to Wake The Fuck Up. How he does at the end of his life depends on the groundwork that gets laid now. Does he Get The Fuck Well Or Not? The best thing I can do here is explain this in no uncertain terms. This is one reason I've elected to show my work here on this website. If she wants to know, she can come and read. So can he.



If these warnings come to pass, I've got a big crunch time of tough work ahead these last few months of the year. Then it's time for me to sling my pack over my shoulder and trudge off down the road alone again. And they've got Some Big Time Work to do. Biggest time.


Apparently, I'm going to be writing.


My occult sources tell me I'll have quite the story to tell. It could very well be a harrowing one. When faced with the horrible specter of some guy's wife or kids accosting me in a parking lot or over the phone, I'd almost as soon let this one pass.


Let's see if any of it's true or not.




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