The Thinking Other Woman

What you should know BEFORE your affair.
 

Blog

What's currently happening in my life and what I think about all this now.

view:  full / summary

I love you. If you ever come back, please read.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on January 11, 2022 at 11:10 PM

Hi.



I guess you read my last message and for some reason decided to stay away.



I don't know why. Maybe things are much better at home now, and you were only stopping by to check on me, hoping you didn't ruin my life and that I would just go on and find a way to become happy, as you are. Maybe things aren't much better at home and you are coming here wishing you could make contact. Maybe you aren't because of the same reason as before. Maybe you aren't for some other reason.



I have no idea. I wish I knew. All I can do is tell you about myself and how I feel.



I have to assume you're never coming back, and that we'll never see or speak to each other again, because your behavior here is leaving me no other choice. You show up. I post; I speak, and you scat like light and you don't speak.



What else can I possibly do??



I wish it didn't have to be this way. If I could have anything in the world I choose, I would have chosen you. But, it wasn't my choice to make. I wish that things were different every day. Every day.



I don't want you or need you to fix anything about my life anymore. I'm fine, and I'll be okay without you now. I know I can't fix you. What is the saying? Just walk beside me and be my friend.



I guess it's too late for that now. I'd have you in my life if I could, but I can't. So, okay. 



You are a very special person. I've never known a mind quite like yours. I wish your heart wasn't so bound up in shame and self-denigration. All that came from your parents, you know? You were an innocent child once, just like your granddaughters and grandson. You didn't deserve the way you were treated. It had nothing to do with you.



I'll always wish it could have worked out. I'll always wish I didn't have to say goodbye. I'll always wish we didn't have to let go and never see each other again.



I'll always love you.



If you ever do want to talk--if you ever can--I'll always be here. There's a contact form on here. 



You know where to find me.



A last gift from me to you: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyXt6P7d1IjUAOEzSMX3ONq7SC81jDcWP



Love forever and ever, 



Me.

What Could I Have Done Differently?

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on January 3, 2022 at 6:00 PM

For the longest time, a married guy I had a four-month emotional affair with kept lurking around my website. 


Even when he started hiding behind a VPN, I figured out it was him, because he would go directly to a post or two I had made specifically to him when I was still trying to figure out if it was him or not, and he would read them over and over. 


Now and then, he would forget the VPN, and I could see the locality the visit was from. Yep … right from where he lives.


Last year at this time, he was checking my blog every few days. He even showed up on Christmas.


I could only conclude from this that things were not too good at home. The last time we spoke, I learned that marriage counseling had not gone well and the problems in the marriage were returning to same-old status.


Now, he very rarely shows up anymore. Last seen: December 18. 


I would be very surprised if he ever shows up again.


You would think a guy would just go on and leave if he's not happy, but not this one.


So, now I've given up on him, and I am very sad.


Well … not entirely. If the end of the visits mean he and his wife went back to marriage counseling, worked out their problems, and now they can be happily married, then I'm happy about that. They both had tough childhoods, and they have wonderful adult children, three beautiful grandchildren, and a lovely extended group of family and friends who love them both.


If they can finally be happy together after forty years, then they should be.


What I'm afraid of is that none of this has happened, and he's just resigning himself to dying there in that house in the same relationship they've had for decades now. When maybe we could have had a shot at being happy.


We couldn't, of course. His entire family threatened to disown him after he moved out that one time, and they didn't even know about me. Who wants to have a large extended family, and everyone refuses to speak to you because you got tired of having a bad marriage and decided to give yourself a chance at a better life?


It's been done, of course. And relationships with family tend to work out eventually … most of the time. 


But the skills to deal with the disapproval while still encouraging some tolerance and understanding from the family members who've had their bubble burst will forever elude this guy. Buckling down and learning them takes a more stalwart soul than this person will ever be.


In the meantime, I've lost someone with whom I had a bridge of understanding I don't expect to find with any other human being.


I keep asking myself what else I could have done. The answer is: Nothing.


I played the entire thing exactly as I should have.


I mean, as long as I was observing a guy who'd moved out and said that house was like death to go back to, and he really needed to divorce, what was I going to say? No?


We hung back and decided we wouldn't date until his divorce was final. We had a couple of lunches together - in public - and we spoke from time to time on the phone.


The only thing I could have done to change this outcome was to grab his arm and pull and not let go. And I looked at that option, hard.


I just couldn't do it.


I couldn't do it for a number of reasons. First of all, I had to think about all the disruption and upset it would cause everyone. If people wanted to disown him simply over a divorce, think how bad it would be if they found out there was another woman!


Then I had to think about his low self-worth. He's an adult child of an alcoholic. When he said things like, "I thought no one would ever love me if my wife didn't love me," and "I thought women found me repulsive," I knew those weren't put-ons. How would I be helping his self-worth if I showed him how lovable I thought he was … through some filthy underhanded trysts, in a car somewhere?


That kind of thing is Scarlet Letter stuff. It's not for me.


Then I had to think about the perverse effects trying to hang on were likely to have. Instead of his wife trying to coerce and direct his every move … now it was going to be me. Isn't the whole idea of codependency recovery supposed to be about finding the self, and not a new taskmistress? My horoscope and every tarot card reading I did kept telling me I was too controlling.


Sad to say, they were right.


I didn't trust myself not to be controlling, so the only thing to do was let go.


If you hang on to someone, telling them and telling them what you want them to see, in the face of family and others giving them a dozen reasons they need to not upset the apple cart, what are you going to get, anyway? A person who's arguing with you why being with you is the wrong thing to do. A person who starts taking up for his wife instead of noticing that she's handing him more awful behavior that isn't likely to change.


It didn't matter how many times I would end up telling him that, if he went back, she would never change, and he'd end up right back where he started. The most effective way of making that argument is to let the person go back … and end up right back where he started. 


No argument is more persuasive than the facts that stare that person right in the face, again and again, for forty years. He would see that more clearly if I wasn't there to tell him over and over.


And: If we'd stayed in contact and ended up sneaking around, what would have happened? He'd be satisfying his needs for an emotionally close relationship with me … an hour or two here, an hour or two there, every other week.


And that's nothing. This guy deserved so much more than that. He'd be settling for a crumbs-under-the-table relationship, which wasn't what he wanted or needed, while everyone else goes home to a full meal of togetherness, friendship, companionship, love, and sex every single night.


I wasn't letting him get away with that. I wasn't letting him get away with lowballing himself. (Or me.) Yet again.


And lastly, if I'd hung on and fought, he never would have gotten well from codependency and low self-worth. Just the simple fact that it was an affair would have made him feel soiled, and if that didn't do the trick, the reaction from family and friends would have taken care of it. He would have felt so badly about "Having an affair!" that he would have accepted every mean thing anyone said about him. 


He would have been led around by the nose by other people for the rest of his life, and he never would have learned to value, find, and fight for himself. 


I saw that played out in a series of horoscope transits, and, thinking about everything I've ever read about codependency and codependent relationships, I didn't doubt it would have been the truth.


So, I couldn't hang on. I couldn't fight for the relationship. I let go and walked away, hoping he'd see the light one day.


Now, I have to just walk away altogether.


I know I did the right thing. But that is some lonely consolation.


Folks, this is why they tell people to stay out of affairs.

I guess we'll never see or speak to each other again.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on December 13, 2021 at 6:35 AM

I'm a mess without you.


I love you. I miss you. Please don't let it end this way.

A Piece of Wisdom

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 24, 2021 at 11:05 AM

How much do we need to surrender and how often do we need to take initiative in our lives?


When to surrender? When you have no control. When you have control, take initiative.


I'm the one with no control, here, so I'm surrendering. 

News

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 2, 2021 at 11:30 PM

Charlie, maybe you missed it, but I sent you an email.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 2, 2021 at 1:40 PM

Hi! Thanks for stopping by. I got your contact form, and sorry, but I don't know a Charlie. I'm not the droid you're looking for. :(

I Passed Up The Opportunity To Take Up An Affair Where It Left Off

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on October 21, 2021 at 11:40 PM

... And man, am I glad I did.

My four-month emotional affair with a married man ended six years ago last May.


I wish I could tell you that I went triumphantly on, that I met the love of my life, that I’m happily married now, that life morphed into something wonderful.


No. Instead, here I am, a dumpy little middle-aged woman watching my skin change, my stomach balloon like the Michelin man’s, and my boobs sag. Observing the onrush of old age with apprehension.


Alone.


The past six years have been brutal. I finally understood last year this person was never coming back, despite the fact that he did three years prior, reporting that marriage counseling had been a bust and trying to see me platonically again.


(Yeah, right. I know how long that would have lasted.)


The truth was, I didn’t trust myself four years ago. I knew he was unhappy, and that he could have been happier with me and I could have been happier with him. (How much happier? That’s the debatable part.)


How long before I would have started working on him? Ohhhh, come on. You know you aren’t happy there.


And that would have been a disaster.


The reason I know this is, I had had a passing interest in astrology for quite some time. I predicted when my husband would pass away. I was one week off.


When I started speaking to my affair partner, I started looking up our charts. What I saw was so accurate I began an intense study of the discipline.


What it showed me was that, right at that time, an entire string of transits told the story of a very destructive affair that would end up wrecking the lives of all three people. All because I felt entitled to force another person into the healing he should be doing.


I was trying to raise my self-esteem by “saving” someone else.


Sometimes the healing of another person is like a flower opening. If we force it, we destroy the flower.


Therefore, if we want to see the flower blossom into beauty, we have to leave that flower alone and let it bloom in its own time.


Even if that means we won’t be there to see it, and it will end up blooming for someone else.


I tried to hang around and wait. After all, I wasn’t idle. I had tons and tons of my own inner child work to do, and that took six years.


But, you know, six years is some long-ass time.


This flower may be like the kurinji plant, which takes twelve years to bloom. Will this guy even remember me in twelve years? Probably not.


In the meantime, I wander over to another publication (which shall remain nameless), and I see cheaters spilling intimate details of their sexual encounters and fantasies.


Maybe these episodes are ways of getting back at a spouse they believe has failed them. Maybe they are ways of feeling free.


But what speaks pretty loudly to me, as I read depictions of sweaty, furtive couplings in hotel rooms and cars, is the sleaze.


Would I want to do this to someone I care about?


When I finally decided to tell him how I felt about him, I did so for two reasons:


He was so obsessed with his wife, watching her every little twitch, I figured nothing I said would disturb that dynamic. I’d probably be told I was inappropriate and get frozen out. (That didn’t happen, but, oh, well.)


He had such low self-worth. He knew I’d had a good marriage, so if I said he was desirable and lovable, he’d probably believe I was telling the truth.


If I wanted the guy to feel better about himself, well … how much better would he have felt about himself after a furtive, sweaty, sleazy coupling in a car someplace? Hiding tawdry, dishonest sex from other people?


We may miss each other forever, or we may not, but at least we’re two people who didn’t do that. If we can’t have love, at least we’ve still got our pride.


When you break up an illicit relationship, savor your integrity.


I may have denied us a real relationship forever, but I think preserving his integrity was a far more loving thing to do.


Horoscopes. Card readings. They're real.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on October 8, 2021 at 4:50 AM

This will be short, because I'm supposed to be asleep.

Since I posted the new message on Resources You Are Looking For and Will My XXXXXXX Area Visitor Please Stand Up, SOMEone has come directly to those postings (I can't even find them without using the search function on here!), seen the heading, and, once again, scat like light. He didn't even read the whole message. BUT, he HAS come back to look at it again, for like zero seconds, and this time he gave himself away for sure because he apparently did it from home and GA recorded his location, which was where I expected it to be.

I changed the heading to one that sounds a little more friendly.

But, you have to know: THIS WAS PREDICTED.

In my own readings, and in astrology and other's readings, it's been said: I was going to hear from this person before Halloween, in some way I would be unhappy about and find unsatisfactory.

I can't stop laughing over this. IT'S FUCKING HAPPENED!!!!

The interesting prediction is that, if this happens, then in about nine months I will hear from him again, in a way I will be much happier with.

Jesus. That's long enough to have a fucking BABY. But, I remember a phrase from the report on our Davison chart I bought so long ago on astro.com: "The gift of this relationship is the experience that invisible ties can hold two people together." I just also make sure I remember the next line: "However, any attempt to force this relationship into a socially acceptable corset will end badly."

The other gift in this relationship is that, since I've done ALL the reading I've done: I KNOW WHY.

I guess we'll see if any more happens or not ...

WHAT THE FUCK????

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on September 22, 2021 at 10:45 PM

OK, I'm thoroughly confused.

This is the THIRD time someone on a mobile has come on the site, not gone to the main blog page and searched, or gone to any other page, and entered the site straight on one of the messages I posted up here for him, then gone straight to the other,

Google Analytics tells me this person is in PARIS. 

PARIS. What the fuck???

How are people doing this? Going straight to these messages without coming in on the home page or even having to search for them? As if they've got them bookmarked or something.

Is this him, and he's got some way of masking his location? (He IS a computer guru, so if anyone could do that, it's him.)

Universe: 


WTF?????

On the relevant posts I have left the following message:

OK, dude. Come on. Really?? An addendum posted 9/23/21

 

 

Dear Sweetheart (Name withheld. You know who you are!),

 

 

 

Google Analytics informs me someone keeps visiting this post and the other one I made to you when I noticed you were visiting here and reading my blogs. The locations, however, are wildly improbable. Maplewood, NJ, I can see. Birmingham, Alabama and Paris, France, I rather doubt.

 

 

 

Either people in these locations are interested in my messages specifically to you for reasons I cannot fathom (and finding these posts by some method of occult divination, since they do not perform a search to find them), or ...

 

 

 

... this is you. Hiding behind a VPN.

 

 

 

(Yes, computer-stoopid though I am, I figured out what these are.)

 

 

 

If this is you, you need to understand that I am on the point of giving up on you. No relationship is no relationship. I post to you and you won't even speak to me. You just scat like light. Patience has ceased to be a virtue.

 

 

 

I have absolutely no idea what is going on in your home and I don't want to intrude where I may not be welcome or could do damage. Therefore, you also need to understand that I cannot and will not contact you without your permission, even though I have your email and your phone number, and obviously, I know where your facebook is. I don't have that permission, so other than a public post like this, you will not hear from me.

 

 

 

And it's getting really hard to justify posting to you, or about you, any more.

 

 

 

I wished that something could have worked out here. I really did. I knew this person was going to behave exactly as she did, and you sounded very unhappy when we last spoke four years ago.

 

 

 

But four years is a long time, and you never came back. What do you expect me to do but finally give up on you, move on, and just write you off forever? I didn't want to do this. I really, really didn't. My therapist has refrained from rolling her eyes at me hanging on and not giving up on you, but, her patience is soon to be rewarded.

 

 

 

Turns out that the immortal Rhett Butler was right. Even the most deathless love can wear out.

 

 

 

When you let things go for years and years, eventually they're gone. That ring on your left hand? That's the relationship you're in. I've had to accept that.

 

 

 

I am not angry at you. I'm not angry at anything that's happened. I really needed some deep personal growth I didn't even know I needed, and that's what's transpired over these last six years. Do you know, we first started talking almost six years ago? I was so happy then. I really was. I think you were, too.

 

 

 

I always knew you as the most brilliant mind, and the kindest and sweetest person. I wish you weren't so codependent. I wish you didn't beat up on yourself.

 

 

 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. There never was. All of that is that worn-out tape of parental neglect playing over and over and over: "I'm no good, I'm no good. Everything is my fault. No one will ever love me. I mess everything up. I'm unlovable, I'm repulsive ..."

 

 

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, STOP IT.

 

STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!!

 

 

I wish you could see yourself the way you really are. I loved you, and you ran away.

 

 

 

I understand why. Family is important. I don't have a family. I had to cut mine off. The difference between us is you were willing to keep acting a role in order to keep yours, and I wasn't.

 

 

I guess the awfulness was just a matter of degree. But one thing I learned from acting and acting and pretending and pretending to be what my family wanted from me over so many years was this:

 

 

If you have to act a part in order for them to love you, do they, in fact, really love YOU? Because, if they did, wouldn't they care about your feelings?

 

 

Mine didn't, and that was very apparent, so I left. I know your situation is different. Children live forever in the home they grew up in and they don't want to leave it, especially if they were happy there. It's hard for them to make an adjustment like that. And grandchildren are precious. Especially a new grandson. Congratulations, by the way.

 

 

 

Always know that I will always love you. But, no means no, running away is running away, and eventually we have no choice but to take no for an answer.

 

 

 

If you log on here and I know you've seen this and you run away again, I have no choice but to accept a final no as your answer. I can do that, and I'm ready to just write you off and move on. I've had enough of waiting and hoping for something that will never happen.

 

 

 

You're always welcome to speak to me. You're welcome to come back to the place where we met, as well. I'm not there much now. I've come to understand that I simply can't do what the others are doing, and there's no point wasting my time anymore. From time to time I drop in to say hi, but more and more that's just a sad place for me, and one I've had to leave behind.

 

 

 

I still see us there: the naive kid I was, thinking I could make a career out of fan fiction, and this incredibly smart, nice guy who wrote nonfiction and wanted to write a novel. I see all of us, hanging out at Starbucks drinking coffee and talking til 11 o'clock at night. I had never had real friends before that. Those were some of the happiest times of my life.

 

 

And my husband. I remember him.

 

 

A lot sure has changed after over twenty-two years. But the love and the memories will remain.

 

 

 

I expect I won't hear from you or see you lurking here ever again, since all you ever do when I post you anything is run. So, I expect that this is good bye.

 

 

 

Please take care of yourself. Know that I am grateful for all I've learned from knowing you. I will always care about you and wish the very best for you. Sweetie, all I want for you is that you can know who you are without your feelings constantly all mixed up with everyone else's because you believe that you are no good unless you are making everyone else happy. All I want for you is the experience of decent self-worth before you die.

 

Any decision you make on that basis is one I am okay with.


 

 

 

Love, me.

 

 

 





First Day of the First, Last Window.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on September 15, 2021 at 7:35 PM

Either: The cards and the major line of transits are all right, he really does miss me, and he’ll let me know that either in the next 45 days, or approximately a six week window in May-June of next year… or that’s just incorrect and it will never happen.


 

I’m betting that it will never happen. I haven’t caught this person lurking online (that I can reasonably prove) in over six months. The far more likely scenario is he just realized all he was doing was upsetting me and leading me on, he knows he will never leave that marriage, he decided to quit checking on me because it was just causing problems, and now he’s hanging his head alone in his in-law suite hitting himself with a pain stick or something. “Now I ruined her life, too. Boo-hoo, I’m just no good, I always knew I was no good, blahblahblah …”


 

I hope not. Since I’ll never see him again, I really, really hope the reason is they finally came to Jesus. He kept after her about pushing to have more his way; he kept after her about being more responsive and actually showing feelings and knowing what they are; maybe they went back to counseling. Maybe he actually came clean and said something like, “You know, I was so unhappy I really thought about leaving you for someone else.” Maybe she really did become more honest in showing feelings this past year and they really will revitalize their marriage and spend the rest of their lives together happy.


 

One can only hope.


 

However, my guess is more than likely not. There was just no pressure on that woman or that marriage to change. And, unless most people have a very compelling reason to do all that difficult work, they stay in their comfort zone, do what’s always worked for them, and things stay the same. Especially when you have an entire close-knit extended family working overtime to make sure everything stays in their comfort zone, too. (“Not happy?! What are you talking about?? But you're my daddy, you've always been happy!” )


 

And we know this guy is a COWARD. Coward, coward, coward. The whole world could come down about his head and he’d never do anything to risk his family’s approval, especially his daughter’s.


 

Truth to tell, if codependents like this had even so much as one tinytiny sand grain of their own approval, they wouldn’t need so much of everyone else’s.


 

I expect that this is over, and you will never see me write on here about hearing from this person ever again.


 

Frankly, I don’t believe anything in my upcoming transits is going to come true. Not the good stuff, anyway. Supposedly, I was to have some kind of renaissance year with writing next year. I doubt that very sincerely and am on the point of giving that up permanently.


 

I was supposed to have had some grand idea and worked and worked and worked and worked. Well, I had the grand ideas, all right, but I’m assured my novels are nothing special. I don’t get good comments on the last one AT ALL. Where is there any sign whatsoever that I’m any good and should continue?? There isn’t one.


 

I’ve done better on Medium. Considering that there’s some six million people subscribed to it, to be in the top 1000 writers is an achievement I’m proud of and something I always wanted to do and despaired for two years of ever doing. My infidelity publication on there is the best collection of writing on the subject, I think. And fuck knows, with a sleazebucket like “The Scarlett Letter” on there, they needed something thoughtful and inspiring.


 

But it’s never going to be lifechanging money. I will never be able to quit my job doing that. In fact, I’m kind of running out of ideas. As time goes by and I get used to living all alone and never expecting to hear from this guy ever, ever again, this will all just fall away. Soon it will be ten years ago, I will have forgotten all about it, and I won’t be writing about this any more.


 

Supposedly some “big opportunity” was supposed to arrive. I was supposed to see or receive some opportunity and take it, and it was supposed to work out wonderfully and make me very happy.


 

I do not see this opportunity. I do not have this Grand Idea. None of my grand ideas has worked out, and I think it’s time I stopped disappointing myself by having them.


 

Nothing is going to work out for me that hasn’t already worked out. If I’m ever going to be happy in this life, I need to radically change my self-concept from some larger-than-life person with some ridiculous call to glory to a very simple little old fat lady, living a very simple life of day job, chores at home, and my own physical care. Maybe I can read a little from the classics or watch some old movies from time to time.


That’s going to be about it.


 

This whole past twenty years has been one long exercise in humility and in finding out I’m not who I thought I was. I made up a prettypretty story about how extraordinary I was going to be because I had chosen a career that didn’t look like a good fit and was terrified I wasn’t going to make it. I needed a way to keep family proud of me. Because they didn’t love me, so being proud of me was the closest to it I was ever going to get, and remember, inside I was still six. And I needed to be a huge, HUGE success in order to feel good about myself, because I could never feel good about anything as a pudgy old lady doddering around the house doing chores and that being the extent of my life.


 

Well, guess what! It’s the extent of my life!


 

And, you know what? It’s pretty much the extent of every old person’s life and the way human beings spend the end of all their useful days on this earth. (Except most people had kids, so they have grandchildren and family.)


Then come the days when we can’t take care of ourselves anymore, and life shrinks even more. Then we just sit, and others have to feed, dress, and bathe us.


And that’s where I’m headed.


And I just have to accept that.

 

The best thing I can do for myself now is shrink my mind to fit my circumstances. Because my circumstances were never going to enlarge to fit me. It’s time I understood that, and made myself very small and very humble and very simple.


What other choice do I have? If some “opportunity” is out there for me, that I’m actually good enough for and can do, it’s going to take sharper eyes than mine to detect it.

 

Humans really are tiny, simple creatures, after all. Dust we are, and dust we shall return.

 

It’s best if we give up impossible expectations and realize that.

 

So, goodbye, Chi. Forty-five days from now, I will come on here to report that I never heard from you. And you are out of my life for good.


Goodbye, dreams. According to tons of transits coming up in 2022-2025, Something Big was supposed to have happened. I’m pretty sure nobody’s going to notice me in some name publication or on a bookshelf somewhere, at any time in this life.

 

My only job was to accept these facts and stop being upset about them.

 

So, I’m going inside to prepare dinner now. And I accept that this is my simple life.

 

Bye-bye.

 

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on September 8, 2021 at 11:35 PM

Looking along the long vista of transits I've researched, we're reaching the point of no return pretty soon, here. Even other people's card readings are saying the same thing. The next six to eight months are the fork in the road.

We've gone so long without speaking, we're on the point of just giving up on this connection. Which would make sense to anyone; I know I am. I mean, let's face it: When you haven't seen someone's face in six years and haven't spoken to them in four, it's reasonable to assume you will never see or hear from the person ever again. Especially when every time you catch them lurking and you post them a message, they run. And then you don't catch them lurking (that you can be reasonably sure of) for six whole months.


This is the fork in the road. Either someone's bold enough to speak, or we just lose hope and give up.


We have more transits for getting back together than we do not (many more, in fact), but, every outcome is there. Including the one where I really am alone for the rest of my life. (It's only one transit through 2024, but still).


Card readings are all over the place. I get everything from "This person really wants to come back and is just afraid to speak," to "This person still loves you, but this is just too much for him, he can't do it, and you're going to have to be healthy, give up, and learn to walk on alone from now on," to "This can come back together again, but someone's going to have to talk up, and it's going to have to be you."


And, you know, I can see how all of these can be true. Simultaneously.


I don't want to lose him forever. I don't want to lose him forever because I was too afraid to speak. 

 

Yet, I can't speak to him.



His last words to me (well, his second-to-last words to me) were that this marriage wasn't his north star, but because he was afraid of being disowned by his family, he was choosing to stay there. That registers with me as, "I am choosing to stay married." The reason does not matter. Choosing to stay married is choosing to stay married.


I cannot hear from a married man that he is choosing to stay married and contact him again without his permission. I don't care what however many oracles say, they might be wrong. I don't think so, but they might be, and if they are and I speak to him again, I have no idea what I'm disturbing over there. I could be distinctly unwelcome, or my message could be discovered and cause a lot of trouble. So, even when I'm advised to, I can't speak to someone whose second-to-last communication was, "I intend to stay married."


Yet, I don't want to risk losing him forever when things might have worked out, because I was afraid to speak up. What to do?


And the only reason I can write that at all was the last thing he said to me: "I love you."


If it's still true, and I have reason to believe it is, I have to do something. It's very seldom that tarot cards tell you to act.


So, I did the only thing I could do. I did a facebook search to see if he's posted any photos. There's only one I am allowed to see. It's a meme. I'm sure he photoshopped it himself. It's funny and witty and so HIM.



I "liked" it.


That's all I can do. I can't speak to him. I can't post him anything. I can't email him, and I sure as fuck can't call him. This is the only picture he's posted that I can see since January, and all I can do to get his attention is "like" this photo. That's all I can do.


I've left him things on my "other" profile (the one I used when I was dodging political arguments on facebook with my brother.) I know he used to read that feed all the time, because he told me so, and also because that's how he found this website. I posted her yods tab information link, and I'm pretty sure that's how he found this place.


I've had a copy of The Age of Innocence forever. I once had a whole dream of what life with him would be like--which I've now put aside, because one should never prescribe someone else's whole life for them. That's controlling. Real love just enjoys the person for what they are. But one part of that dream was reading old classic books together, and watching old classic movies. I grew up with my nose in a science book and I missed out on so many things that formed our culture. But he is so well-versed in so much classic literature, movies, and so much eclectic music, I always felt like a dodo next to him. I always dreamed that he'd teach me, and we'd enjoy these things together as I learned and made up for all I'd missed.


When it became clear we weren't going to be together, I reasoned if I wanted to know more about these things, I'd just have to do it by myself. And I passed a copy of this book and bought it. It's been lying dusty on the floor ever since, waiting for me to read it.


This week, for whatever reason, I picked it up. I had no idea how appropriate the subject matter.


Today I finished it, and then I watched the movie.


I put a link to the movie up on facebook, together with the message. "You can still turn around." If he sees my memory jogger and then he looks up my facebook page, he will see this message and know I'm still here and that it's okay to contact me if he wants to. That's all I can legally do. I can't do any more to reach out. If he notices the like and he's tempted to scroll my facebook page (he doesn't come here anymore), he'll see what I hope will be an unmistakeable message.


I hope he does. But, I can't expect much, since he's been scarcer and scarcer online, especially over the past six months. He may have seen my "Resources" post and believed I was mad at him.


All I can do is hope.


Today, a week away from the first "window" I might expect to be contacted in, I spread my own card deck out on the floor and did my own readings. Me, him, her, for the next year.


And got the same message I have been getting since the beginning of this year. All that really changes is the timeframe, as the specified dates inch closer and closer.


What are the odds of that?


This message always tallies with the dominant line of transits in the astrology, which makes me happy.


But, it doesn't have to happen.


We might know before Halloween. Or, possibly, the six weeks of May 2022 into the first half of June. Beyond that, it's highly unlikely we'll ever see each other again, because we're already into the window of time where that should be under way if it ever will be.


I've said these things before. However, it's clear to me now the 2018-2019 transits were part of the timeline we would have gotten if I'd said yes back in October 2017. This is a different window.


It's also the last window. We would finally get together in 2024, but that could never happen without things being set in motion for that sometime very, very soon. Divorces, as we all know, take time.


I will say those readings made me very, very happy. But, I need to be prepared for them not to happen.

What is my life going to be like if they don't?


I have to say, probably not much. I'm doing pretty well on Medium right now; I've made several thousand this summer. But, infidelity is a niche topic and I really can't expect to make lifechanging money or change careers off that. I could if I were a licensed therapist, but I'm afraid my degree is in the wrong field. And there's only so much of that kind of thing I can write anyhow.


I have given up on ever being a published novelist. My novels are bombing on Wattpad. If you can't give it away free you sure can't sell it, and why go through trying to self-publish and sell something no one in my writer's group liked, that no one on Wattpad reads?


So, whatever the rest of my life will be, it won't be writing.


The very thought of dating makes me want to puke. NO, I do not want to spend hours of dull time interviewing strange men for the position of "boyfriend." I had my husband, I had Chi, and I'm spoiled for other men. I suppose there could still be one very, very special one out there somewhere who isn't married who could hold a candle to these two. But, if there is, I am not going to go looking for him. I really can't imagine such a person and I don't want him enough to go through all that crap. No, thank you.


As far as I know, I will be stuck in the house alone indefinitely. Covid is here to stay and I don't want to get sick. I probably got exposed a week ago. So far, I'm fine, but I'm older, and I am fat, and I have a cardiac arrhythmia. I'm scared of getting covid even though I am vaccinated, so that means I will probably be in the house by myself or trying to get some exercise outside ... by myself ... or trying to grocery shop socially distanced ... by myself ... for the rest of my life. Due to the general idiocy of the human race, I expect covid will be here forever and probably become more and more deadly. So, that's pretty much the end of any kind of life for me.


I've pretty much started old age early. I'm only fifty-three, but I've already got the old lady body, the old lady lack of energy, and the old lady stay-at-home, shut-in lifestyle.


At least I live in a pretty place to be. My old condo is hideously run down, and sadly I will never have the funds to remodel, but the place I live is wooded and on a creek, and we have a lovely pool surrounded on two sides by trees. From one of the tables you can see the flowing creek. The trees screen out the apartments on the other side of the creek pretty well and it's almost like living in the woods. What I can't do remodeling I've spruced up with white string lights and a little water fountain I love.


Today it rained, poured rain, and from where I sit on the couch, it's like looking out at a forest in the rainstorm. I think that the rest of my life, until it's nursing home time, will be like that ... sitting alone admiring the sun in the trees or the rain coming down outside. Going to work for as long as I'm able, doing simple chores in the house, and being glad I live in this natural setting. Spending the rest of my days in simple contemplation.


What a far cry from the life I used to hope I'd have! But, in the end, this is all anyone really has. If they're lucky.


If he doesn't come back, I have to find a way to make this simple life of chores and solitude be enough, and not to be sad any more. Sadness won't do any good. If the window passes and it's clear he will never come back, I have to accept the life and the things I'm given. I won't be a writer. I'll end my days in the work I've always done. I'll do simple chores and admire the view outside until social services notices I'm too old to care for myself any more and carts me away.


The good thing about it is that I won't have to try anymore. I can't be a writer. End of story. I can stop struggling now and stop being sad about it and beating myself up. I don't have to do that any more. I can put that away. I can't win Chi. End of story. I can stop struggling now and stop being sad about it and wishing things were different. I'm in the life I have now, until I die. There's nothing more to struggle and strive for. If I can ever retire, I can just put my head down and rest.


Once I've dusted and run the vacuum, of course. Then I can just lie on the sofa, put my head down and rest, admire the beautiful trees outside, and wait for the end of my life.


Fifty-three turns into seventy-three and eighty-three in the blink of an eye, anyway.


I gave both writing and this person the best that I had. If other things got in the way, or my best wasn't good enough, I'm sorry.


Now it's time to stop torturing myself over things that can't be changed and just live whatever I have left.

People Shouldn't Say Tarot Is Useless.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on August 19, 2021 at 12:45 AM

 

So I've stumbled onto this YouTube channel where this cute little gay guy does some brutally honest tarot readings. Among some interesting concepts: This is a spiritual connection where the goal is personal growth and becoming healthy, not romance, and only if we heal enough do we get the romance. For Chi, the obstacle is lack of self worth, but for me the problem is this misconception of love as being pining and devotion instead of caring enough about myself to create a happy life for myself. You're just supposed to move on to create a happy life on your own whether this person ever shows up again or not, because if you don't you make them responsible for your happiness, which puts a terrible burden on them (witness the situation he's in now; same thing, right??) and you're just this wounded bird person who doesn't know how to live.


Oh, and "divine timing??" "WHEN YOU'RE BOTH HEALTHY ENOUGH." Which very well COULD be never, because if you're never healthy enough ... then "divine timing" is never.We're supposed to learn to nurture ourselves and to talk to ourselves the right way first. These pieces are what's missing.



Interesting reading, because the fact is, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY ANYMORE.


 

How I was "happy" most of my life: I absorbed from my parents that I wasn't good enough for their approval the way I was, so to be loved I had to "do stuff," like choose the career they wanted, make the best grades, and emotionally baby my mentally ill mom. And I hung onto most of that stuff.


 

Now in later life I see that you can't choose an unrealistic goal like self-supporting as a novelist, because only like five people on the entire PLANET can do that, and not only am I on the brink of old age and never got the kind of breaks I would need, but I'm just not good enough to do that. So making a goal like that and then beating myself up when it doesn't come true won't work.


 

So I've learned enough to stop trying to make goals in that manner. Which leaves me with the question: What IS the right way to decide what to do in life? What's worth doing? And, since I set aside this idea of "happiness" being success and approval from other people, what does make me happy and how am I supposed to find that?


 

So all this advice to make myself happy in my own life is nice, except ... I have no idea HOW or WHAT, so I guess I'm just at a standstill here. How am I supposed to do this?? Because workingandworkingandworkingandworking DOES NOT make me happy. Especially if it's on an unachievable goal. I mean, sure, I could pick a goal like "Publish a novel" or "Lose 100 lbs" but I would never get there, and I would be unhappy with the results. IT FEELS MISERABLE TO STRUGGLE AND STRUGGLE AT SOMETHING YOU CAN NEVER, EVER DO.



And I don't want to do that. But figuring out what I DO want to do?? A work in progress, or, more specifically, a work with NO progress. The old things don't make me happy and I've wisely given them up, but no new things are here. Except the same old life in the same old work in the same old job and the same old household chores. What was I supposed to find, here???


I haven't got a clue. I've learned to lower my expectations way, way, way, way, way down. But, when you have ZERO expectations, that makes it hard to set your sights on anything. You know you can't accomplish the lofty goals most people set and then dash themselves on the rocks, so what's the point?


It would be nice to find something meaningful AND fun. But if no one will ever see it, how can it be meaningful? And at this point in my life, I've worked and worked and worked and worked myself to death for so long, I don't even know what fun is anymore.


All of these are truths, prompted by a tarot card reading by a cute little gay guy, so don't say tarot ain't worth nuthin.


*Interestingly enough, I keep hearing that this is "divinely protected." Meaning, we will accomplish the goals we meant to in this lifetime. So ... that would imply ... 

No Comment.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on August 15, 2021 at 6:50 PM

Me:

Creative Process spread. 

(I hate the William Blake tarot, but that's what I ended up with.)

Creative force behind the process: Imagination card.

Emotion: Two of poetry.

Thought: Energy card.

Manifestation: Angel of painting.


Chi:

Twisting Path spread.

First decision: The Empress, reversed.

First false path: Heirophant, reversed.

Second decision: Hermit, reversed.

Second false path: Seven of swords, reversed.

Possible destination: Strength, reversed. (Figures.)


Rory:

Fourfold vision spread.

Object being viewed: Eight of swords.

Physical vision: Hermit, reversed.

Mental vision: Five of swords.

Emotional vision: Page of swords, reversed.

Unseen aspects: King of wands, reversed.


Me and Chi:

Creative process spread.

Creative force: Four of pentacles, reversed.

Imagination: Ten of wands, reversed.

Emotion: King of pentacles.

Thought: The magician.

Manifestation: Queen of cups.


Chi and Rory:

Cross and Triangle.

Prime energy: Strength.

Process of thought: Ace of cups, reversed.

Motivations: Six of wands.

Emotions: Ten of swords.

Position in life: King of pentacles.

One of two opposing forces: Queen of cups

Second of two opposing forces: Temperance

Reconciler: Page of wands, reversed.

Final outcome: Ten of cups, reversed.


2022--Or, You Will Feel Brilliant For Moments At A Time

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on August 11, 2021 at 1:40 PM
***Note: I had originally elected not to publish this for a while, if ever. But then
I realized the process of contemplation and the realizations it led me to are 
important even if the events alluded to never occur. If nothing else, the post is
a cogent example of how things like astrology and tarot, used correctly, can
aid personal growth. All that really matters is whether or not we heal from 
childhood, not whether or not a relationship happens or stays. Healing from 
childhood is all we're really here for.

So, I'm holding my breath, and I'm ... posting it anyway. If you think I'm an idiot, 
I'm fine with that.

Here goes ...

The Great Revelations of 2022

 

 

At the time I am writing this, it is 9:38 pm on August 9, 2021. I’m

not going to post this unless it actually happens. If I do and it

doesn’t … people will think I’m crazy.

 

Background: Once upon a time, when the married guy I thought I

was destined to be with forever dumped me, I was desperate to know

if I’d ever hear from him or see him again. Enter astrology.

 

 

The fact that many aspects in our charts predicted he’d be back in

October 2017—AND IT HAPPENED—intrigued me enough to start

studying the discipline. It turned out astrology had many accurate

things to say about all of our characters and why the affair had

happened to begin with.

 

 

I was sold. Hence, this website. You can see some of the other work I’ve

done. I do read for other people, but mostly, as you can see, for myself.


I think I am strangely gifted in that way. Most people who read things

like tarot cards and astrology report they can’t read well for themselves,

only for other people.

 

 

I think I read better for myself. Which is a good thing in this situation.

 

 

When I realized astrology wasn’t just crap, I saw a timeline of transits

beginning in 2018 that clearly traced the affair we could have had if I had

said yes when the guy came back in 2017 as predicted. It was a VERY sad

situation that showed me hideously, painfully DUMPED in 2020. I was

struggling to make him ready to leave, and he wasn’t ready to leave. I also

saw that if I allowed that affair to go forward, I would be greatly hindering

the personal growth of the guy, who, as a hideous, hideous codependent,

sorely needed some personal growth. That isn’t how you treat someone you

say you love.

 

I also did NOT like the transits I saw myself going through last year into

this year. Silly me. I thought if I just didn’t have the affair, I wouldn’t get

dumped, and then I wouldn’t suffer.

 

 

It didn’t matter. I suffered as much over the fact that he didn’t come back

after we said goodbye as I would have over any continuation of an affair.

 

 

Okay, I guess not having the affair mitigated it somewhat, but it was still

so-depressed-I-can’t-even-get-off-the-couch bad. Throw in a running

injury that refused to heal and throwing my back out, and I was pretty

much immobile last fall into this past spring.

 

I thought I could escape. Ha … ha … ha.

 

 

Ahead there was always the specter that things could change. After 2023,

there are a lot of transits reflecting a huge change in their relationship.

Specifically … it breaks up. One party is left reeling, stunned, struggling

to understand what happened. (As if he hasn’t been struggling to reach

that woman for decades.) She has a few little whispers about a good

relationship … but they’re greatly overwhelmed by the sheer number

of bad-relationship transits, and the farther toward 2030 you go … the

fewer and fewer of them there are. The other party is in a second

relationship, where he either makes great strides, recovering from

codependency and reaching satisfaction and happiness before he

dies; or not recovering and the second relationship is just as bad as the first.

 

(I will say here that my observation is that, when a good relationship starts,

your transits will tell you about it. If you’re having relationship problems,

your transits will tell you about it. But, in my experience, when my

marriage was going well, I didn’t constantly get transits talking about what

a great relationship I was having. My transits concentrated on the areas of

my life that were giving me problems, instead. So, it’s entirely possible that

their marriage turned a corner and will stay good, and the transits just

don’t feel the need to remark on it over and over into the 2030’s. Transits,

it seems, are for guidance, and you generally don’t need guidance with the

things that are going well. However, in this case I don’t believe the happy

relationship transits, and I’ll tell you why in a minute.)

 

Tell you what … these are some Big Reasons for me to do my goddamned

work and recover as much as I am able. Sick people hold each other down

and keep each other sick. I intend to get well, and kick the ASS of anyone

I’m with I notice unhealthy behavior in.

 

But … where did this 2024 relationship start? (Or, restart?) That was

murky and hard to see. Were all of these transits holdovers from where

we could have gotten together in 2015 or 2017 … or were these transits

reflecting something current??

 

 

When I initially did this work, I didn’t know any astrology at all. All I really

knew how to do was buy computerized reports by people known to be

reputable, and use what I knew about relationships and psychology to look

for patterns. To save money, I went from the 2010’s to the 2040’s, buying

reports every three years.

 

I skipped 2022.

 

 

Since 2022 is right around the corner, just now I went ahead and looked.

 

 

What I see is fascinating.

 

 

The wife’s transits reveal a dramatic split next year. On the one hand, she

has very rewarding relationships, a lovely time in whatever career or

vocation she’s currently pursuing, and a great family life.

 

 

On the other hand …

 

 

Oh, dear.

 

 

I’m seeing things like: “Unwelcome maturation—seeking unhealthy fusion

in a relationship and suffering a powerful loss. Unhealthy things in the

psyche coming home to roost. Sudden unexpected events disrupt security.

Consequences of past choices. Unrealistic/blind to own behavior. Broken

dreams—forced to get real. Uncomfortable with change. Upheaval—hurled

into the unknown. Need to heal old wounds.” And this stuff greatly

outnumbers the goody-goody-good stuff.

 

Doesn’t sound like fun, does it?

 

 

WHAT THE FUCK???

 

 

And, WHICH IS IT?

 

Here’s the thing:

 

 

HE’S ALREADY TOLD ME.


And here's how I know:

 

When a bad marriage turns good, any affair partner becomes Public Enemy

Number One. The marriage partners close ranks. The Other Person is

persona non grata. The cheating party becomes accountable, doing anything

to reassure the spouse he/she is no longer cheating. The marriage is front,

center, and sacred, and the formerly cheating party is full of regret, only

has eyes for the spouse, and doesn’t want a thing to do with other people

ever again. However ...

 

Turning a bad marriage good takes several years in counseling. Several

tough, tough years of hard, hard work. Especially when there’s an affair

involved.

 

 

That work was supposed to start in 2016 … when Someone We Know

had excellent emotional work transits, yet decided to act like she really

didn’t want to be there.

 

 

Especially with the childhood emotional neglect these two had as kids,

that marriage would have taken all these years of work to start turning

really good again next year. And the reason I understand this is what it

takes is through Jonice’s Webb’s excellent books, and a few other

therapists', as well. (Maybe if they’d had a therapist trained in CEN,

this would have all been different.)

 

BUT: What’s actually been going on?

 

 

2017: He comes back and tells me how the therapy actually went. 2019,

every once in a while he pops up online.

 

 

In spring 2019, once I had started to give up on him, I felt a fervent wish

that I could know he had no hard feelings. Two days later, I’m bored in the

middle of an online astrology class and I post something on Facebook. I’m

sitting there staring at the screen and his name pops up. He likes what I’ve

posted. Then, five minutes later, he takes it down.

 

 

Not the kind of thing you do if you’ve reconciled with your wife. If you've

reconciled with your wife, you're not looking at your affair partner's facebook

page.

 

 

Then I figure out how to work Google Analytics, and I discover that he’s

reading all my blogs. I post him something and he disappears. But, he claps

for something I’ve written on Medium last August. And this was blatantly

obvious, because there was NO way of mistaking his Medium profile.

 

 

Months go by … then I realize SOMEone’s reading all my blogs again, from

November of last year to February of this year, from a mobile phone in

different locations so I can’t track where he’s logging in from and figure him

out by location. But the pattern of going directly to the blogs every two or

three days is the same. He’s staying only a few minutes each time … but

he’s going there sometimes twice a day, even on Christmas.

 

 

I post him something and he scats again.

 

Really, there’s only one person this could be.

 

 

This is NOT the behavior of someone who’s happy at home. And it goes all

the way through from 2017 to last February. When the resurrection of a

marriage and the repair of a relationship would have taken all the

dedication and all the focus all that time. Especially if things were getting

better. And 2022, according to their transits, was supposed to be the big,

breakthrough, “Whew! Everything’s okay now!” year. I could have

(and before this, did) interpret their other good transits as meaning

healing could still occur last year, two years from now, on into the future,

but now I see this big peak. Surrounded by the dung they will fall into if

they didn’t ascend that peak.

 

I also see that someone’s gone DIRECTLY to the two messages I left him

on this blog twice this spring and summer. Who the fuck else would know

these are even there? This person goes directly to one—not to the main blog

page and then to it, but directly to one—then directly to the other, then

directly to the first one again, and exits after two minutes or so. Once from

Maplewood, New Jersey, and once from Birmingham, Alabama.

 

I can see the Maplewood one, because I know they have family there. The

Birmingham one? I can only guess. I can see one good reason for this person

to visit Alabama, but that reason is in Mobile, not Birmingham. I can find

no evidence that he’s been there, however. If the client ID numbers were the

same I would know it’s the same device, but they’re not. I do suppose it’s

possible for a person to get a new phone. But, Birmingham, AL??? Yet, who

the fuck else would know exactly where these posts are and visit them like

that, in that order, and not read anything else?? Looking them up directly,

and never coming back?? Whether these last two suspicious visitors were

him or not, however,

 

He’s been telling me the whole time that things were NOT getting better.

 

 

I just didn’t understand what was going on, and I kept expecting him to

speak and getting more and more upset that he wasn’t, even when I posted

him something.

 

 

Now we have this huge SPLIT in her transits. Anyone care to guess which

leg she’s on??

 

There are splits in our transits, too. Not as obvious, but they’re there.

 

 

Basically, something is going on that we’re either handling well, or handling

poorly.

 

 

On the Handling Poorly column, him:

 

 

“Insecure about your right to be loved as an individual. Friction with

family/played old roles so long you have to help them understand you are

changing. Need to learn to be healthily self-centered. Scary time/vulnerable

to criticism. You see where you’re restricted and need change. Bitter about

the past.” Oh, and several transits are screaming, “You need to

heal/supposed to heal/Heal, or you will do this again in another relationship.”

 

On the Handling Well column, him:

 

 

“A break from the past. Accepting your own and other people’s limits with

more objectivity and less drama. Ready to shed old masks and patterns,

Feb 2022-Nov 2025. 2021-2024, struggling to survive and change direction.”

 

On the Handling Poorly column, me:

 

 

“Confusing communication. Your concepts of love don’t fit your needs/you

want things you shouldn’t. Can make a wrong decision. A sad relationship

conflict/expecting too much from self and others. A child dragged from the

womb/feels hopeless and horrible. Closing a cycle—leaving behind fantasy

world aspects of relationships. Some battleground where you have to let go

of control. Wounded and bitter about relationships. Passive and don’t want

to do anything. Angry and bitter about a loss. Angry about limits. Changing

philosophy to find meaning in suffering.”

 

 

On the Handling Well column, me:

 

 

All the good “new professional opportunity” stuff is over here. AND:

“Could have new relationship that helps you understand love. DO NOT

IDEALIZE IT. Faith in life. Possible new relationship in the end of 2021

that could be unstable. 2021-2025 An overidealized relationship leaves,

but if it’s fundamentally a healthy one it can make it.”

 

Oh, and I forget to mention …

 

 

On his healthy leg, same dates: “Could establish a good, supportive,

consciousness-raising relationship.”

 

HERE’S the beginning of the 2023 and forward stuff I couldn’t find the

beginning of.

 

Now, look at all those good-relationship transits his wife has. How do I

know these aren’t with her?

 

Because he’s been telling me all along, that’s how.

 

 

AND THAT IS ALL THOSE LITTLE "VISITS" WERE FOR.

 

I just didn’t know that, because …

 

(And here’s where other card readings I’ve been getting lately are

REALLLLY becoming useful!)

 

For the past … well, my entire LIFE, actually … this has been me:

 

 

When a child is little and unable to see the world accurately/care for

itself/understand and regulate its own emotions, a loving parent is

supposed to be there to externally “make the child’s world right.”

While we learn to orient ourselves and feel like the world is okay

even as tough things happen, the parents are supposed to be the

cheerleaders in our corner, letting us know we are good enough

to be loved, modeling appropriate behavior, always there to support

and help. Always there to pick us back up again. That way, when

we’re older, we’ve learned how to pick ourselves up, and that we’re

good enough people that we should.

 

 

NONE OF THE THREE OF US HAD THAT.

 

 

So WE’RE ALL THREE DOING THE SAME THING:


Looking for our relationship partner to give unconditionally to us the

way our parents were supposed to, with no needs of their own. Looking

to our relationship partner to make our emotional world right, so we can

grow up the way we needed to grow up when we were little.

 

Only, um … we’ve missed that boat. I’m 53 and he’s going to be 63. It’s a

little late for mommy and daddy to be able to do anything to emotionally

coddle us and baby us into growing up. We have to grow up ourselves.

 

THIS is why all my card readings lately have been saying things like:

“You keep having this attitude that you’re living in the future waiting

for this person to come back and make your life better, going, ‘When

this person comes back, life will be so good and THEN I can be happy.’

And that’s an unhealthy attitude because it makes this person feel

responsible for your happiness and it’s too much for him to live up to.

Especially since he feels not-good-enough for you to begin with. You

need to fix this in you if he’s ever going to come back, because it’s too

much for him to deal with (actually, it’s too much for anyone to deal

with.) And you need to fix this if he doesn’t come back, because you’re

going to need to find the capacity for happiness on your own.”

 

 

This past March, I used my own deck and did my own reading for the

next year, and repeated the same for him and her. These all reflected

SOMETHING happening this fall and me being VERY unhappy after

that, with perhaps something else cropping up next spring/summer that

felt better. But I’m miserable in between, and this is why: I believe I’ll

never be happy without him, because I, like his wife, am like a little child

mentally picturing this and that way he’s going to do this and that to

make me “feel right.” And I’m just hanging all happiness on HIM. I

repeated this spread twice more over the summer with the last reading

two days ago, and the only thing that really shifts is it gets closer and closer.

 

 

THIS IS WHY.

 

 

I’m overidealizing what a life with him would actually be like, making it

the environment I needed when I was, like, two, and when he shows up,

“visits” me online, and won’t talk, and especially now that he’s staying

off my website and I haven’t seen any hard evidence that he’s around at

all for the past six months, I think he’s forgotten all about me and I’m

distraught. Because I’m picturing life with him as SO much better than

anything I could have on my own.


(And, in fairness, when your husband dies and all your writing falls so

completely flat you think you’re a failure, you’re injured and you can’t do

anything but lie on the couch and there’s a pandemic so you can’t go

anywhere anyway, it’s easy to do that.)

 

 

And I only got pieces of this mosaic without the current card readings and

the ‘22’s.

 

 

Oh, and the explanation of “divine timing?” When you are ready.

 

 

Which you’re not, if you’re still picturing your own life as a desert

wasteland and yourself as a tiny child who needs a parent figure to

make her feel okay all the time. Which was why I felt so desperately

lonely after being widowed and the Universe deliberately foiled all

attempts at finding other people. I wasn’t supposed to find any other

people because this needed working out, and if I found other people

I would just sink right back into this approach to life again and I

wouldn’t learn or heal anything.

 

(Reasons I have Saturn in the eighth house negatively aspecting

EVERYTHING: A huge transformation in my life I’m very restricted

and having horrible difficulty making, which delays everything until

I get it done.)

 

 

Oy.

 

Now I have the ‘22’s and everything falls into place. He wasn’t supposed

to be back any sooner than this. The affair transits from 2018-2020 went

with what happened when I could have said yes in October 2017 and

didn’t. Now I’m seeing, Here’s where the healthy relationship could

happen if it’s going to, and here’s what you’re doing that’s going to

destroy it and here’s why. I’m hearing that somebody’s going to show

up in the next few months and that could possibly work out … if I’m

not doing this “baby-me” bullshit I so despised in my mother when I

was growing up and in the wife now.

 

I’m also hearing that if I shift my attitude, it’s going to help him shift his

attitude. If I don’t shift my attitude, I’m pushing the whole thing towards

desperately unhealthy.

 

 

I tend to believe all of this, and at least that it was the original plan,

because the other things I’m hearing about this time in my life are true.

Such as, I’m getting a good long rest—and I have been resting a lot,

when I’m not at work—and that I’m bathing in water a lot and water

will help my spirit. It’s summer and the pool is open. We have a

beautiful pool here, overlooking a creek and surrounded by woods, and

if the pool is open, it’s not raining, and I’m not at work, that’s where I

am. I try to work up to swimming 50 laps around it every summer. After

the past year of injuries and immobility, I think it’s the best way to work

back up to exercise. And swimming around that pool, especially in the

late afternoon when the sun moves around and makes the tree leaves glow

like emeralds, always lifts my spirits. Also that this was a “necessary

depression” and that now I am at the end of a big cycle in my life.


(Thank God, because this was HORRIBLE.)

 

 

Other things are a bit more difficult to believe, given the lack of visible

evidence. Such as the “news” that this person realizes he’s made a mistake

and wants to speak to me, but keeps talking himself out of it due to fear

of rejection/fear of not being good enough. Those are hard to believe, given

that he’s not even hanging around on my website anymore that I can prove

beyond reasonable doubt … but, with this astrology, they’re not impossible.

 

Again, this doesn’t HAVE to happen. It’s entirely possible that something’s

changed over there such that this “appointment” we had isn’t kept. In this

eventuality, the relationship really is over. We’re into the point in time

where it could have gotten healthy and worked. If he doesn’t show up,

the soul contract is over. It’s time to stop putting all my visualizations of

ever being happy into the box marked “relationship.” Things turned

around with writing. I can just forget this guy and move on and let life be

whatever it is it’s going to be.

 

 

If I don’t do that, I trash anything that could happen and that is very, very

dangerous. Because that leg where he leaves her, we get back together, and

it goes unhealthy is there, and it ends very, very badly.

 

 

Basically, the universe has been waiting for the signal from me that I am

able to make this turn. So I’d better fucking make this turn, or I trash my

own life. And let me tell you, the “You’ve trashed your own life” transits

I get in my seventies?? They’re BAD. BAD, BAD, BAD.

 

She gets them in her middle seventies and they are unrelieved by any ray

of light. He gets them in his early 80’s and they sound so bad I wonder if

he’s got Alzheimer’s.

 

 

WE HAVE THE CHOICE NOW NOT TO MAKE OURSELVES

THIS MISERABLE.

 

 

And it’s time to get on the fucking stick.


Rss_feed