The Thinking Other Woman

What you should know BEFORE your affair.


What's currently happening in my life and what I think about all this now.

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So, I'm thinking of starting an email list.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on March 8, 2020 at 4:55 PM
If you think you might want to be updated, if I publish something on here, on Medium, on YourTango, or on the Facebook page for this site, please go to the Contact page and leave your information. If I get ten emails, I'll start a list.

So, What Happened? A Very Late Post. Turns Out, Choices ARE Reflected In Your Horoscope!

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on March 7, 2020 at 3:00 PM
OMG. I had hoped this glitch would get fixed, but no matter what, no matter WHAT I do, I cannot get this stupid blog feature to put paragraphs where I actually put paragraphs. No matter how many fucking hard returns I hit. Jesus Christ. I apologize. I'm very sorry. I'm going to try to separate paragraphs by putting underlining in like this:_________________________________________________________________________________ Last July, I pored over my chart. I saw so many aspects that looked as if something big was going to happen in the fall. I had hoped, of course, that it was going to be the person I started this website over in the first place. I had three big periods of heavy vertex hits last year: January, May, October. I think I've written about the first two elsewhere on here. The vertex is the axis of fated events and meetings in the life. So what was this October one about? ___________________________________________________________________________________ Wayyy back in the early days of 2016, I had looked at my chart and his and had a hunch that I was going to see him again in the fall of 2017. But I had only recently even started studying astrology and didn't have much of a clue what I was doing, so I hired professional Alice Portman of Adelaide, Australia, to look at our charts. She said the same thing._______________________________________________________________________________ And, in the waning days of October 2017, it happened.________________________________________________________________________ I felt a little more confident about my astrology as the years went on, and I looked at the upcoming transits after that myself. (Pros are expensive, after all.) As I've written elsewhere on the site, I saw a BIG SPLIT in the transits in both charts after 2017. _____________________________________________________________________ I could have continued to see the guy then, and there was a huge leg of transits in both charts reflecting an extramarital affair that started in 2018 and continued up through this year. But, as I teased this storyline out and followed it, I saw that it had a very, VERY bad ending. If I chose to accept the relationship back again in 2017, when I last had the chance, I would have found myself DUMPED next year. Been there, done that. Decided not to. ________________________________________________________ Not only that, had I chosen to do that, we wouldn't have grown any more as people. I would have remained stuck in trying to change and control someone else, trying to prove something about me, and as for him: If you want a codependent to get better, do not do anything to make him any more dishonest than he already is. He would have felt so horrible about what he was doing he had no choice but to go back to the marriage once it was discovered, and nothing that would have happened would have done anything at all towards encouraging him to go back to childhood, see all the toxic downloads he got then about his own lovability and the acceptability of his own needs vs. other people's, and do anything to change all that. It would have been all about stolen romance and sex on the sly, and trying to cover it up so no one found out. ___________________________________________________________________ When people have affairs, they do this because they think that's their only choice. But, it's never their only choice. You could go to therapy and decide whether to leave your relationship or not, and do it all above board. You could go to marriage counseling and try to fix your relationship. They did that. As I heard in 2017, that crashed and burned. He told me he still loved me._____________________________________________________________________________________________________ The other leg of transits in each chart are sort of sad. He's stuck in a bad relationship and struggling with codependency. I'm *supposed* to remain alone and throw myself into a creative project. (Which I did, but it doesn't seem to be going very well, and I'm about to give up on it.) I also looked at her chart during this time. As I've written in the Yod tab, her transits will basically be the same even if I've got the birth time wrong. What changes with birth time is not the configuration of the chart, but the houses all the planets fall into, which reflects issues of basic character. If I weeded out the transits talking about her finding out about the affair in 2018-2019, what I was left with were transits about a basically good life and a higher public profile (she got elected president of a certain social club here, which I foresaw in her horoscope a year and a half before it happened), but a stagnant relationship. I would say the transits split roughly half and half between each leg.__________________________________________________________________________________ So there goes the theory that there is no free will in astrology. We can definitely choose the road we're on. Back in 2017, I saw red flags and chose the road of no affair. So, all three of us are on that leg of horoscope transits.________________________________________________________________________ Except._________________________________________________________________________________ When I looked at all of her 2020's, I saw a curious shift. Suddenly, very, very few of her transits are talking about anything BUT the discovery of a very serious relationship problem and a love rivalry. She has a precious few talking about things like work and social life going well, and ALL the others are about a downright AWFUL relationship. Half of those specifically are affair significators, and half sure don't rule one out. I put them in the problematic relationship/no affair column because I could, but they could just as easily go in the affair column, they're that bad._______________________________________________________________________________________ Somehow, in 2020, this chart is pretty damn sure it's being cheated on._______________________________________________________________________________ What the--??_______________________________________________________________________________________ If we don't have the affair, how the hell does this happen? (Unless there's a fourth chart I don't know about.)______________________________________________________________________________ Either way, we've definitely broken up by 2022, and he's back with her again for sure. 2024 definitely looks like she gets left and we're together, and that looks permanent. Her transits from that point on just get darker and darker and darker. It's not ALL bad--she gets the Saturn trine Venus transit which, I've come to recognize, in her chart is the marker for, "If you've handled things right, here you COULD reconcile with your husband and have a good relationship." She had it in 2018 and from what 2017 sounded like, she wasn't heading in that direction. Of course �?� maybe they did. Who knows, maybe they found themselves a *competent* therapist this time and the 2018, "You've handled things well and here you can reconcile with your husband" transit actually did happen. She has it again in 2024. Maybe she won't need it. Let's hope so, because it's surrounded by a lot of dark transits that describe an important relationship ending and her reeling, trying to understand why. In between--2016 and mid 2020-2023, most notably--she has a number of transits talking about a good time to work hard in therapy and figure out what in her past is sabotaging her relationships. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ PUTTING THE TRANSITS TOGETHER_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ In 2016, they were in marriage counseling. I have it on good authority, she didn't use those excellent psychological work transits well at ALL. Hence, the visit I received in 2017. Maybe something happened after that, and things are okay now. If so, I will never know it. If not, it appears I was originally slated to, since the beginning of the affair seen in the transits in late 2014 into 2015 actually did happen, and the relevant transits held a strong suggestion of fate; that we had planned to come together and do this.______________________________________________________________________________ If we don't see each other this year, I find it very, very difficult to envision the 2024 and after reunion happening. I mean, come on. How are you going to reunite with someone you haven't even seen or spoken to in seven years??_______________________________________________________ So, the question is: Is the upheaval in her chart this year, when the chart suddenly sounds pretty sure it's being cheated on, just a leftover from the affair we didn't have in 2018-2019? Does it belong solely to the affair leg, or are the transits so pervasive in the chart because I see the guy again either way, whether I chose the affair in 2017 or not?_________________________________________________________________ There looked at that time like an awful lot of evidence that I would see him again regardless of what I chose then anyhow, so that helped me make my decision to stay out. She was behaving so abominably, it looked as if I could take the high road, not enable him in codependent behavior, stay the fuck out, and I'd see the guy again anyway. So, I rolled the dice, and that was what I did. If he were going to come back again no matter what, we're rolling right up now on the time when I would find that out._________________________________________________________________________________________ Ridiculous, right? I mean, who would make contact again with someone he hasn't spoken to in two and a half years, who said, "You want to stay married, and all we'd do if we saw each other again is have an affair, and we can't do that," at that time? Why would I ever even believe that?____________________________________________________________________________ ENTER: THE TAROT.___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I also learn tarot cards, and I'm getting pretty good at those. Every time I've done a tarot reading on this situation, right up through last year, it looked pretty ugly for me and him. NO, the cards said, This is over. You don't see this guy again. My friend who's been reading longer than I have typically does her readings for the next three months. So, if this is the time, and I don't see the tarot cards flip out of this message, it's not going to happen. Ever.________________________________________________________________________________ Around the first of January, the tarot cards flipped. Suddenly, now I'm getting all these affair and reunion cards. What the--?? _____________________________________________ Not only that, but I also have a fairy deck given to me by a very good friend. The fairy deck has a year's spread divided by seasons, which delineates timing very nicely. At the change of seasons, I do a fairy reading, and oddly enough, the same cards come up over and over, for the same points in time at each reading I do. There's one called "The Fairy Lover" which comes up pretty consistently and seems to be referring to the married man in question._________________________________________________________________________ I do a fairy reading (on Valentine's Day, natch). What it portrays is me being alone through the winter, and then the Blank card comes up about April 20th. What does the Blank card mean in this deck: "The answer is unknowable," "It's not a good time to ask," OR: "The answer is obvious, so you're not being given another card here which would tend to confuse you."__________________________________________________________________________ After that time, a struggle is portrayed in which I need to do the opposite of what I want to do, refrain from violating spiritual law by killing anything or taking something that isn't mine, back off, and wait. According to these cards, the situation arrives late spring, is present through the summer and fall, and departs by this time next year._______________________________________________________________________ Which I would say was total GARBAGE. EXCEPT that's EXACTLY what I've been reading in my horoscopes since I first started learning in 2016, WITH the VERY SAME timing depicted therein! ____________________________________________________________________________________ So: What does all this mean??__________________________________________________________________________ EITHER I interpreted correctly the first time, and he was going to get fed up with the marriage in 2020 no matter what, and I would indeed see him again this year no matter what I did,_______________________________________________________________________________ OR, we had originally planned this and it was once a big event in all of our fates �?� BUT I elected not to do it, and all this is just the marker for where it would have been, had we elected to have the affair in 2017. The marker will come and go, and that will be the end._________________________________________________________________________________ WHICH IS IT???__________________________________________________________________________________ Seems I will find out sometime very soon. He has a perfect Venus square Uranus on the 20th of March (I'll let you look that one up!) Also: Sun conj Vertex, Mars and Jupiter squaring his nodes, North node trine Neptune and sextile Pluto. Then, April 20, I have a solar arc MC conjunction with Mercury and Venus and my North Node sextiling my Sun and Moon, while he has a solar arc Vertex conjunct Mars, DC conjunct Mars, and MC square Mars. Ahem. She gets a solar arc Vertex square Venus, a loose Vertex conjunct Chiron that looks worth mentioning, a Pluto sextile North node that's almost perfect by solar arc, a Uranus square nodes, and a North node trine Mars.____________________________________________________________________________ Markers for something we all changed our minds about that's not going to happen now, or X-marks-the-spot-HERE IT IS?____________________________________________________________ Either way, I have to accept it, because it's not up to me anymore.________________________________________________________________________________ Oh, and those hits I mentioned earlier? I went back and looked at my Vertex hits for October. They all involved Mars. I didn't really care what they were at the time, just that they were Vertex hits and that meant something fated.____________________________________________________________________________ After he didn't show up, I went back and looked up exactly what the Mars aspects are said to mean: "A surge of health."_______________________________________________________________________ You have to say I did experience that in October of last year. After not hearing from this person during either of the Vertex hit periods of January or May, October was when I was starting to think, "Well, it's just as well. I'd only have a person who couldn't tell me or himself the truth anyway, and codependent behavior just ruins relationships and lives anyhow." I still thought one day I'd have a writing career then, so it was easier to just count him as a bad influence on my life and move on and look forward to that._____________________________________________________________________________ Spring DOES last through June 20th. By then the Blank card will turn up.__________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why am I writing all of this anyway??? Especially when I have to contend with this hideous blog tool that does not recognize the hard return and I have to keep going back and putting underlining in and adjusting it to make this halfway readable???______________________________________________________________ I have found that skeptics often look at the fact that we astrologers locate correlations with events in charts retroactively, and call it, "confirmation bias." (I have also found that the term "confirmation bias" also tends to be thrown around a lot when people who don't know anything about a topic want to shut you up.) Here, I'm posting WHEN something was supposed to happen BEFORE it happens, so I don't go back and post about it later and get the "confirmation bias" label slapped on it. I've been seeing this stuff in all three charts for FOUR YEARS.___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Now is when we find out if they happen, or not. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ In the meantime, I know I said I'd go back to the Yods tab and put the relationship yods up here. (They don't have yods; but he and I do, and SHE and I do!! What the--??) But, it sort of felt like a waste of time. Why examine charts that aren't present in my life?? I had also intended to go back and do a full analysis of his birth chart, which I actually have never done since I developed a "method of attack" for those, for the same reason. The guy's not here. Why waste my time? _________________________________________________________________________________________________ I may eventually go back and put the relationship yods up there anyway, because in every case they're instructive, if you're trying to learn how to read and interpret a yod. If he doesn't show, up, though, what's the point in taking his chart apart? My original intent was to see what the prognosis for codependency recovery in that chart actually is. Definitely useful if the person is in your life! (SHE might want to know! LOL! But, if he never shows up again, what do I care?) Eventually, however, I will put the relationship yods up.

At the end of the year I'll tell you what these are ...

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 14, 2019 at 3:55 PM
Nodal Return (mid-July) Saturn and Pluto conjunct South Node Venus conjunct Neptune Sun conjunct Mars Sun and Venus conjunct North Node (mid-July) Moon conjunct North Node Neptune conjunct Chiron Mars conjunct Mercury Moon biquintile MC Venus sextile MC Saturn sextile MC Neptune square MC Chiron sextile AC Jupiter quintile AC Jupiter square vertex Neptune opp vertex Saturn trine, Pluto trine vertex Moon sextile vertex Sun sesq Chiron Neptune opp Venus I could go on �?�

I apologize for this stupid blog

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 14, 2019 at 3:30 PM
The thing's gone all wonky and WILL NOT accept any formatting, no matter how hard I try to put paragraphs in. Entire entries disappear and reappear for no reason. Any punctuation other than a period today is appearing as a series of question marks and I have to fix it over and over again. I'm on the verge of just taking it down and not having a blog here.

What was all that stuff you just read? Late but straight.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 14, 2019 at 2:55 PM
The strangeness in the preceding entry was the catalogue of transits I had in January and May 2019 to my natal vertex in my horoscope birth chart. Some know that the vertex represents a sensitive area of the chart connected to fate. Transits or conjunctions to the vertex reflect a fated meeting or a fated event in the life. If you read here, you know I have followed the transits to all three charts into the future. A LONG way into the future. One interesting thing I've seen is that, apparently, the years 2020-2021 appear to be a "crunch time" of sorts for the wife here, "Rory." About 2/3 of her transits for the year 2020 are telling her she's discovering she has a rival for "Chi's" affection. Then, she gets a "do-over"-- a chance to review her actions in her marriage and do things differently. Now, I had to ask myself how the hell she finds out there's a third person in her marriage, when I haven't heard from Chi in almost two years?? If she does, something has to happen before much of 2020 is over, and most likely this year. The first place I went was: My vertex, which is how Alice The Great predicted I'd hear from Chi last time. The transits you see were divided almost equally between January and May. I saw a third spate of hits in October, but I sort of paid it the no-never mind, because it was so close to the end of the year, and there's a spate of affair transits right now that clearly aren't happening. (Holdovers from what I could have started in 2017 but elected not to, I presume?) One happened on May 19th. The abortion debate rages on, and I had posted a rant about it on Facebook. Just after I hit enter, that little notification square popped up: This person likes your post. I recognized the name and the icon in an instant, and my heart flipped: The Guy. Almost left his wife, painful breakup four years ago, quick reconnect a year and a half ago. He's still married, of course. In spite of that, the upstairs neighbors probably heard me scream. I was *that* glad to see him. This guy was the second love of my life. Even though I know there was no rational way that marriage could have gotten any better in the last year and a half, I still fall into paroxysms of, "They're still together, aren't they? They finally reconnected, and now he must hate all memory of me." I know we'll never get back together, but I'd feel truly terrible if his feelings ever changed so much that he's ashamed of me or he hates the thought of me. Just a week and a half before, I even asked the Cosmos for a sign of goodwill. That was all I wanted, just to know he wasn't sorry we ever knew each other. And here he was on my screen, and here I was screaming for joy. I checked my notifications just to be sure I wasn't hallucinating. Nope, there he was. Five minutes later, he disappeared. He reconsidered and took the "like" down. I know he had to be on my page to even put it up in the first place, because nobody shared the post. I know what that means. I'd done the same thing: Ohhh, I really shouldn't have liked that. I'm going to go unlike it before he sees it. Which you only do if you really miss someone, but you're pretty sure they don't want to hear from you. I sat for a moment, basking in the knowledge that the feeling is, apparently, mutual. I allowed myself that glorious moment of fantasy: What if he were actually ready to leave the marriage? What if I actually did see him again? I never entertain that fantasy very long, because the truth always stops me dead. The guy in question is a raging codependent. And codependency kills relationships. The internet is full of advice for the Other Woman. It all says, Don't do it. And the reason the relationship experts all give for that goes like this: He'll string you along. He'll move between households several different times. He'll promise a million times he's leaving. But, eventually, you'll figure out the truth eight years later when he still hasn't left his wife. And you've wasted eight years you could have found someone else and been happy. I knew all this when the second love of my life and I discussed his leaving his wife, and us beginning a future together. I was so concerned about getting used and strung along, I scrutinized his behavior with a microscope for weeks. The problem was, I was worried about the *wrong thing.* I am a firm believer that most of these dithering long-term mistress guys are codependent. And, while the relationship mavens are making a valid point--no one wants to be strung along and used for eight years, and no one wants to be cheated on--they haven't really gotten to the heart of the problem. The fact is that codependency kills a relationship on the sly, slowly, insidiously. And, yes, the spouse of the codependent really is the last to know. She doesn't suspect a thing until one night the whole house collapses under her feet. Even if this little signal on Facebook did herald the second coming, and he really did leave his wife, my ex wouldn't have left codependency. He's an adult child of an alcoholic, and codependency would move into my place right along with him. Marry a guy who cheats on his wife, and you'll get a guy who cheats on his wife, everyone says, as if the person is being willfully mean. But, while I would fully expect that to happen to us, the dynamic is a lot different from the narcissistic intent to use and harm that the snide cynicism in these platitudes implies. Five features of codependency that rot relationships from the inside out, unknown to even the spouse: One, codependents had such a rotten childhood that they've developed an inhumanly high tolerance for emotional pain in relationships. Two, they feel undeserving, flawed, and unlovable as people. Three, this feeling of flawed unlovability makes them way too servile in relationships. Four, they're afraid of conflict, cannot confront, and will not stick up for their own deepest needs. And, five, this makes them consummate actors. Better than DeNiro, better than Laurence Olivier. Even the world's greatest actors only act onstage or in front of a movie camera. The codependent acts all day long, every day of his life. The closer your relationship to a codependent, the more he feels it's necessary to act and pretend for you, and the better he is at it. This is why it takes the codependent marriage decades to explode, and when it does, everyone who knows the couple is shocked. Let's take my married ex as an example. Long before he ever spoke to me about his marriage, long before he ever met me at all, this was going on: My codependent's wife is a classic avoidantly attached person. Cold, vague, and emotionless, she sort of ghosts through the marriage unless she's peeved about something, and then she looses an evil tongue on my ex. Cuddle is not in her dictionary, and the last I heard, sex was two or three times a year for ten years, then nothing. (This was *after* marriage counseling.) For decades, my codependent's response to this was to try harder and harder to please. Rather than consider leaving, it was, "Everyone else in the family is happy. I'm doing what my wife wants me to do and the children need me to do, and isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Why aren't I happy? What's wrong with me? For several years I knew him, he studied Zen, misusing it to try to tolerate how unhappy he was, and he talked about it at club meetings but not at home. He felt flawed as a person, that if he were lovable, his wife would treat him differently. The more unlovable he felt, the more he groveled before the wife and kids, presenting them everything they wanted, hoping someone would finally notice his needs and give something back. But never, ever would he confront these people with the truth of his own needs and feelings. Every time voices were raised, he felt frightened and thought it was bad. "The kids shouldn't see us arguing." So, of course, he never identified his bottom lines in the relationship, never insisted that his own needs be respected, never told anyone how unhappy he was. Well, I have to amend that. The farther you are from a close relationship in a codependent's life, the easier it is for him to share with you. Thus, those of us in the social club I met him in knew my codependent's marriage was in serious trouble sixteen years before his wife did. Clearly, this guy was doing an incredible acting job at home. When he finally exploded in pain and moved out, everyone in his family was stunned. No one had the faintest clue that anything was wrong in their perfect family. I can vouch for the acting performances of this man. When he finally told me he loved me, I asked him when he had first felt that way. Turned out that I had sat next to this person at club meetings for weeks, and although I knew I adored him and I hoped he loved me, I didn't have a clue. When codependents don't want you to know something, you aren't going to know it. And, since they think they owe those around them the sun and moon and they owe themselves nothing, they can be running themselves into the very ground trying to give you what you want. At the same time, they hide their unhappiness. They won't tell their truth in their close relationships, they triangulate it instead, just as my guy did with me. So, when that little notice popped up on Facebook, so did all of this. This guy is adorable, he truly is, and I will never forget him. But I know he has this fatal flaw. The closer you are, the more codependents hide, and the greater they cover it up with the acting performance of their lives. As soon as he'd leave her to be with me, I'd be the closest person, and to think, to even imagine, that he'd be in any way unhappy in our relationship and not trust me, not tell me, breaks my heart. I want to know my love's and best friend's heart. I want to solve problems in the relationship. I want both of us to be happy, not just me. If I only found out about it ten years later when he announced he'd spoken about his unhappiness to someone else and not me, and, oh, now he's leaving me to be with her, I'd want to jump from a *bridge.* This is the disease of codependency. It's nothing personal. Better to have this happen now, in my imagination, than in real life. So, when that little notice popped up on Facebook, I was elated for about five minutes, and then I remembered all this, and I was very sad. If you take a chance on a codependent who does this, and they swear they're going to change and they aren't acting, how would you ever know? *These people are consummate actors.* I'd be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life with this guy, sure every time he looked okay and things seemed happy, that the bottom would be about to drop out from under me. If you're reading this, and you know you're an adult child of an alcoholic, or you suspect that you're a codependent, please. Stop acting right now and be real in your close relationships. We need the real you.

In June, I'll explain what all this means.

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on October 28, 2018 at 12:50 AM

North node conjunct Mars, south node conjunct vertex

Chiron return

Pluto conjunct vertex

Uranus square vertex

Uranus activates both yods conjunct Saturn 3 degrees 11 minutes.

Mars quintile vertex

Sun conjunct vertex

Moon sextile vertex, then square

Venus semisquare vertex

Mercury conjunct vertex

Moon opp vertex

And let me also add: Lunar eclipse in Leo on the 21st, conjunct my natal sun and moon.

All Too Easy: The Blog for the Thinking Other Woman

Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on April 17, 2018 at 8:00 PM

This is the source blog for the material on this site.

This is a new site. Until I get more up here, you're welcome to visit there. Basically, as the events I write about happened, that was the blog I kept. A lot of it is research and reading I did, the astrology I found corresponded to the events that happened, and therapy homework I turned in as I worked.

I'm a work in progress. I think everybody is. That blog is the raw stuff, blow-by-blow as I was going through it. As I work on this site, I'm going to digest that material and make it shorter, more usable, and more accessible to anyone struggling with affair-related issues.