|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on November 16, 2020 at 12:20 AM|
I've had a pile of page views on here this week. Unfortunately, the locator map isn't working, so I have no clue where anyone is from.
Yesterday, Mars went direct.
(Actually, I had heard both the 13th and the 14th, but it's definitely direct by now.) In six weeks (right about Christmas Day), it will hit the yods one more time and then clear on out of here. Nothing else important will hit the yods for three more years. (Two and a half? I'm going to have to check on that one.)
Why is this important? Because it's pretty much the last stop on our wagon train. We haven't spoken in three years, and you know ... it's highly unlikely somebody's ever going to speak again to someone he hasn't seen in SIX years. So, if nothing happens by Christmas, it never will. Really, one would think it would have been by this weekend, leaving six weeks to wrap things up by Christmas ... but I've been off on timing before.
One stares at ALL THOSE TRANSITS they have coming up that look for all the world like there's no fucking way this marriage is going to stay together, and wonders, How the HELL?
But, just because you have a pile of transits doesn't mean you have to use them. Look at all the ones Rory got in 2016-2017 that talked about clearing up a lot of childhood issues and putting all your cards on the table to straighten out a relationship that was going badly wrong. Last I heard, she didn't use them. So, although that would seem to make it more likely they'd eventually break up to any reasonable person, they don't have to use the breakup transits, either.
Really, this is what most people do. Get too scared of an uncertain future, and just stay and stagnate. They're in their sixties. It takes an intrepid soul to grit their teeth and get all the way through a "gray divorce."
So, this is where the rubber meets the road. At some point over these past three years in these three charts, the fork in the road was reached. This direction, the breakup/new relationship transits happen, and that direction, they don't. Here's where we find out whether the fork really was three years ago, or whether it's now.
I'm pretty much resigned to it having already happened three years ago. I might have sunk my teeth in and hung on, but I just couldn't do it. It would have been too damaging, especially for him, and I knew that. Although, if I had been able to look at the transits and clearly see that was definitely the end of the road, I don't think I would have been able to do it at the time. The only way I could do it at all was if I still had some hope to hang onto. So, I did the right thing for the wrong reasons.
I doubt very seriously that I will ever find another relationship partner again. I still get the transits in 2 1/2 - 3 years, but I'm pretty sure they were supposed to be him. Why? Moon opp Neptune! (Whoops--actually it's a trine. Trines are better than opps! Wayyy better.) That's the transit I get, and that's his transit. He and I have it in both our Davison and our composite, and guess what? SO DO THEY. (Well, in their composite, anyway. In their Davison it's Mars opp Neptune, which is just as bad.)
Plus, the transits in our charts that describe the relationship that ensues talk about a couple who either drowns in an enmeshed codependent relationship or gets well, and that sure as heck would be what we would deal with. Not only that, but career transits affect the relationship, which I am forecasted to have.
Something tells me I'll be skipping those. For one thing, it doesn't look as if any other kind of relationship presents itself, and for another, I really don't care to look for anyone else. (What idiot would want to risk going through this again? Besides, I'm becoming a fat little muffin of a dried-up old woman with no libido anyway. What do I need a man for?)
If he doesn't come back, fine. I'm pulling in my anchor and sailing off into the horizon alone.
So, having said that, I've made One Big Decision.
I am Officially Tired Of Fighting Life.
And I'm not going to do it any more.
Within a certain time frame, I need to see some positive signals that things I've wanted, tried for, and waited for for a long time--writing and Chi--actually have a chance in Hell.
With Chi, obviously, it's the next six weeks. (Really, it's this weekend. I think the odds from here on in are nil.) I need to see a positive signal by Christmas, or I know I'm never going to see one, ever.
(So what was that shit in August?? If it's the last I ever see of him, funny it happened right after Mars went retrograde and hit the tip of the yods.)
With writing, I have to give it at least another year, because I don't get the good transits for that until 2022, at the very earliest (2022-2025).
But, seriously. I've had a shit life. I'm sick and tired, sick and tired, sick and tired, sick and tired, of hoping and hoping and battling and battling for things that never had a chance. I'm sick of telling myself I'm something I'm not, looking like a moron, and ending up profoundly disappointed and badly, badly let down. For the rest of my life, I need to choose things that don't let me down, and from the vantage point of 52 mostly miserable years on this rock, that doesn't include much.
I actually have a transit right now that talks about being ready to just give up on a pile of goals and objectives, especially those that came from a sick childhood. Well, what didn't come from my sick childhood? Chi sure as fuck did. And, you know what, writing did, too. It was the only way I could deal with feeling like such a failure all the time--forecast this bright future for myself that someday, someday, I'd do something brilliant and finally, finally reach.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
But, you know, thinking about that, that sounds not only like an accurate description of my feelings, but darn good advice. If nothing is working out, why not throw it the fuck out and just start all over again? Why not just lose, absolutely LOSE, everything I liked, wanted, dreamed of, or thought I was all the way from birth up til yesterday, and do completely different things and be a completely different person?
I mean, really. Does it look like I even have any choice?
So. In the new year, no more Chi. No more relationships, no more men, period. I Am Single For The Rest Of My Life. I kept asking, and life kept saying no, so okay. The Answer Is No. I'm a fat little old lady doddering down the dirt roads to the nursing home alone. Okay.
Really. There's only but so many times you can hear the word no.
Writing? I guess the only thing left to do is start posting the Chi novel up on Wattpad, which I did start this weekend. I need to see some positive sign that it isn't hopeless before January 1. 2022. If I don't, I'm giving writing up for good. It's so much work and so much effort, for no reason anymore, really. I'm tired of struggling and struggling against hopeless odds and no one gives a shit.
I have a backup plan: I'm going to make jewelry from now on, if (when) writing doesn't work out. I love jewelry. I love precious and semi-precious stones. Besides, the stones just ARE. You don't have to struggle and struggle for five goddamned years on an opening chapter and still it isn't right. A beautiful stone is beautiful the way it is.
Plus, I've discovered that some jewelry artists I like are way overcharging. I guess if you have a big name you overcharge because you can, but when I see a necklace for almost $900 and I see I can assemble the pieces and make almost the same thing buying some of it off of ebay and end up spending a quarter of that ... I'm going to! I love beautiful things, and back when I was a teenager, I used to make things and do handicrafts. I haven't in years, because life got so damned busy and hard, and I was spending what time I had either writing or depressed over all the horrible things that have happened.
So I guess I don't have to give up everything from childhood. Maybe jewelry was what I should have been doing all along anyway!
Well, not according to my horoscope. Class last week was on reading life purpose in the natal chart, and you wouldn't believe all the stuff in mine that points to making money writing.
But you know, if it's going to happen, then it actually has to happen. I'm about out of ideas, and I'm about out of time. You can't be much older than 52 if you're going to break in at all. Building a career takes a decade, one book at a time. And I am NOT the fastest writer.
If I'm really supposed to be/do/have these things, then the Universe has to send me positive signals, because I'm tired of being dicked around. I'm tired, period.
Universe: You're On Notice.
If you don't want me to give up and just become someone else completely, you've got to start helping me out.If I don't see hope and help, I've really had enough.
I've had it. I'm at the end of my rope.
I'm ready to start taking NO for an answer. If no is all you can say, then no is what I'm going to act on.