|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on December 27, 2020 at 9:20 AM|
Hmm, turns out the birth time does affect transits to the Davison. At the other time I tested, the Davison still gets some mean hits, but not nearly as many or as bad. So, I could be wrong. Who knows?
(I have the first child's birthdate and the wedding date. One day I should use these to rectify the birth chart. I wonder what time I would actually end up with?)
**OK, so that was what I finally sat down and did. I looked at hourly birth time solar arc conjunctions for the wedding date (within zero degrees) and the first child's birthdate and narrowed it down to two likely birth times: the one I had picked, 6 solar arc conjnunctions for the child's birthdate and 5 for the wedding date, and a second one with a whopping 8 conjunctions for their wedding date and 5 for the first child's birthdate. (The father's chart also lights up nicely on the first child's birth date as well.)
I ended up choosing my original birth time, even though the second got more hits, because a few transits changed with the second birth time that either contradicted an event I know happened in her life at that time, or sounded sort of similar, but the first birth time really hit the nail on the head. Also, I bought a second Davison report for the second birth time and it mischaracterizes the husband somewhat. And the Davison for the first birth time talks about the affair, while the second candidate does not.
So, the first birth time I chose, it is! And the Davison for the husband with the known birth time and this birth time is getting a SHITLOAD of conjunctions on February 10th, the majority of them Not. So. Nice. Now watch me find out some day her actual birth time is wildly different from either one of these. All the same, I had to revisit how strongly the transits for the birth date I chose reflect the husband moving out, the period of marriage counseling with the VERY strong advice to wake up and work on one's own problems, and the need for corrective change after the counseling, together with a significant event in her life that ended in May 2020 ... right when it was supposed to.
So, if I haven't learned anything else from this, I've learned a lot of astrology.
And one thing I see is, if you decide to stick your head in the sand and ignore pressure to change ... you can. You're in charge, not the chart.
Which is why I doubt very seriously I'll ever hear from him again. I could have sunk my teeth in three years ago and hung on and dragged him out of that marriage, and that timeline was very clear. I would have eventually won. But I would have set myself in this horrible controlling mindset instead of the one I have now, and I would indeed be living a dream ... one I'd have a very unpleasant awakening from. Because he wouldn't have grown at all and would do the same thing in that relationship he did in his marriage ... and I wouldn't find out for years and years later. Because growth doesn't come from me. It comes from him, in his own good time.
Which was supposed to be the years 2023-2024 and beyond. Maybe he won't do it at all and they'll just sit there and stagnate the way people in their sixties are prone to do. Or they'll both change and finally achieve a happier marriage. (Her chart is betting strongly against it. Even her good transits talk about a breakup!)
I won't be there, so I'll never know.
So what's happening is, I don't get to live that dream. That big, larger-than-life dream where I get the man and the writing career and everything ... and then that hard, hard wakeup.
I'm having my wakeup now.
I'm very sad. It's sad to lose potential. But the fact is, without action and grit, potential never does anything anyway, and you can't open up someone's head and pour in grit. Parents can do that, a little bit, when we're small, because our brains are still forming, but at age 62?? Forget it. This person is codependent. He wants to stay home for the approval of other people, so that's what he's going to do.
I hope it ends at least somewhat happily for him. As for me, I can see three different timelines here that I couldn't see at first.
The first one was if he left back in 2015 when he first tried to. We would have been happy for a while, and I would have felt supported enough to write this soaring prose I used to write. Then when the charts start talking about success breaking up a codependent relationship that's already in progress ... yeah, that makes sense now.
The second timeline was where he went back and showed up again in 2017 and we had an affair. THAT outcome was distinctly terrible, which is why I reluctantly turned it down. That's the one I'm talking about up there, where eventually I win, but I've destroyed his ability to think for himself in the process and reinforced an inappropriately controlling mindset in myself. End result: DESTRUCTION.
There's still one more timeline. The one where we're together and healed and happy ever after. I just get whisperings of this in my chart, and past 2023 she doesn't get any, but he has a nice continuous thread for this in his chart. It's a lot quieter than the loud ugly transits portending disaster courtesy of an unhealed childhood, but it's there and it's consistent.
So who the fuck is he with?? Either this is a timeline that starts in 2017 where we have the affair and manage to wake up and turn it from disaster in time, or it starts in 2024 sometime. Maybe it's because he meets someone else and that's who it's with. (Gee, thanks.)
Anyway, four years is a long time to wait. I'm getting tired of this. He's taking too long, and even if he finally leaves, we won't have seen each other or spoken in seven years. He won't remember me. Time to just hang relationships up and just be an old lady. I already had my great relationship and that time in my life is long over.
Either way, I can see the great wisdom in waiting to have this relationship. We weren't healed enough in 2015, and we weren't healed enough almost three years later, either. The relationship, even though we're compatible, wouldn't have been able to go well until 1.) I give up trying to control the world into what I wanted it to be when I was little, and 2.) He recovered enough from codependency to a.) actually know what he himself is feeling instead of just everyone else, b.) tell the goddamned truth about it, rather than waiting five or ten years until he's absolutely crazy with pain, and c.) Stand. The. Fuck. Up. For. Himself.
Under those conditions, the relationship can work. If not ... NO relationship with anyone is ever going to work. It may look like it's working to everyone else, but really he's unhappy and one day ... BLAM! And this is in our Davison.
Generally, when things take too long to happen, they just ... don't ... happen. I think he's forgetting about me. I haven't seen any evidence of him at all since August. I had hoped for so much better, but oh, well.
I joined Nu Mindframe's Patreon. She has an audio on there where she says that if you had a childhood where your needs weren't met, you feel like you need to have them met doubly in adulthood, because your belief that the world is a good, happy place was destroyed too early, and you still want that need met.
I guess that would describe me. LOOK how huge my dreams have been: Impossible relationship, prominent career as a writer. This kind of thing shows up in horoscopes, too ... the wife is doing the same thing, only in a different way.
And we both USE HIM to do this, because that is what codependents do ... they ask to be used. They're soooo sure they're no good and they're soooo sure no one will ever love them that they mold themselves into whatever someone wants, in exchange for love ... which isn't really love, because it isn't really for THEM, it's for the person they are PRETENDING to be. They demand everyone else think for them, and then they're depressed and upset because everyone else is thinking for them!
I see now that I have got to quit doing this.
I have to quit doing this with writing, and I have to quit doing this with Chi.
If I don't, I'm going to fail at a major life task and end up a very, very, sad, sad old lady. This is spelled out very clearly in the transits at the end of my life and at the end of Chi's wife's. I just figured out that in my case, this is the major task they're talking about. Chi's wife's is a little different, but not substantially. Chi's job is to attach to women like this and make them learn their lessons by disappointing them and himself.
(Chi? This one grew up already. You don't have to do that anymore!)
So ... I reform myself so I understand this and I would never, EVER propose to think for this person again, (because that's what love is), and ... he stays home and forgets about me.
So: I guess I've also learned a lesson about big dreams:
I shouldn't have them. Because they're all about redeeming a bad childhood, and that isn't realistic. Nothing is going to make up for whar I didn't get from my parents and family, and the hazing I got from cruel schoolmates. I had a shit childhood. It's over. Nothing is going to change it. This world is not a good place. (Just look at it.)
If people are going to have a wildly successful life, it's because they have a talent the world responds to, they're happy when they're performing it, and their soul elected to have this experience in the world when they were born. NOT because they had a childhood that made them feel terrible, and now they're trying to strongarm the world into making it better for them.
I'm not going to have this relationship, and from all appearances I need to give up on having success writing right now, because people do not respond to my writing. Not in the numbers it would take.
I need to stop feeling like my world has fallen irretrievably apart because of these facts.
I've been doing it for five years now, and it feels terrible. It's time to assimilate reality, and just stop.
All I am is an ordinary little old fat woman. I live the same life everyone else lives. I am not going to redeem my horrible childhood with A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G extraordinary.
Well ... maybe extraordinary efforts to become more emotionally healthy, and that's about it. I just need to get used to living an ordinary little old fat woman's life, and that's it.
I don't have much. I have a job with enough income to meet my needs for now, and I have a place to live and the chores of daily living. That. Is. All. I. Have.
It seems pretty sad. It seems like I should have a relationship. I've more than earned it. OH-to-the-fuck-WELL. Right now there's nobody, I can't even imagine who I would want to be with, and it's covid-19, anyway.
I think I'm all done with relationships. What I need to do is learn to be happy with the little things in daily life. Those things are all I have.
I am never again going to have a Big Relationship to "make me happy." Even if I did, I'd just get widowed again anyway and end up right back in the same boat all over again. Might as well learn to handle it now.
I'm starting to understand that all life is, is tiny, little squirts of happiness here and there, over tiny, tiny little things. Like, I was in the drugstore and I discovered this little handheld Galaga game--a video game I loved when I was much younger. This looks just like a miniature arcade game only it's desktop. I bought it and have been playing it and I was just so thrilled the night I bought it. Now I get to play it whenever I want and I don't have to lose all those quarters!
I found a pearl wholesaler and bought some pearls. I had had my eye on this JesMaharry pearl bracelet, strung on leather, which she was selling for $250. ON SALE. I think she was asking $400 for it originally. Then I found this wholesaler and this week my pearls arrived. I strung my own pink pearl bracelet last night for like, $15. I picked the most lustrous pink and lavendar pearls and it is BEAUTIFUL!!
Even though I am still very sad about Chi, I was thrilled about the bracelet.
I posted an article on Medium about a week ago. It's probably the best one I've ever written. 26 people have viewed it. I felt a glow of accomplisment when I hit "publish." That is all I'm going to get.
I feel angry and sad sometimes that my life is ending up to be so, so much less than other people's lives. I have no emotional home any more. I have no family. I have no relationship. Aren't these things just about everyone finds and gets to have? Why did my husband have to die of brain cancer? Why is Chi such a schmuck? Why did these things happen to me?
Of course, I study astrology, so I know why these things happened to me. It's called, personal growth. All we're really supposed to do in this life is get born into imperfect families and suffer childhood wounds, and then take conscious charge of our personalities by growing ourselves up in the way our parents did not or could not grow us up. That. Is. Really. All.
And I've done all that. I just wish the process could contain some happiness for a change. I wish I didn't have to lose everything that made me happy for me to do this. I wish I could have back some of the normal things other people get to have. For who I really am to connect up and click in the world. For a companion.
Oh, well. Chi is never going to grow up and be ready, and I couldn't really say who else that might be. I had the best soul mate companion already, and I guess that will just have to be enough. After all, look at Chi and his wife. They're going to be together for the rest of their lives at this rate, some fifty-five or sixty years, and neither of them has been happy.
At least I didn't do that in the marriage I had. And I pledge that I never will. It will work, or I just won't have it. So I guess I just won't have it.
Bye, Chi. Sorry it didn't work out. Hurry up and grow the fuck up. Maybe it still can.