|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on February 19, 2021 at 12:35 AM|
If I'm never going to be a real writer, I must at least have the dedication to be one, because I'm forever telling myself it's all over, no one reads this stupid thing on Wattpad and I might as well quit ... and the next thing I know I'm back on YouTube, watching birth and baby story videos because Ridley has a six-month-old and I have to write this young mother with a new baby and I never had a baby.
So I ran across https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-R1h3tHo4I" target="_blank">this adorable vlogger and, while the videos are instructive as far as childbirth and newborns, they're also really sweet and entertaining.
At first. And then, watching this wedding video, I realized that I have good damn reason to feel depressed and feel like my life is over.
Here's this beautiful couple who met in college, were together something like eight years, did a Las Vegas Elvis wedding, and then taped this lovely Chinese wedding they flew their entire family to their native Hong Kong for. And here's this huge, happy family, laughing and celebrating together.
Later (after one miscarriage that was, admittedly, sad), they have this beautiful childbirth and this adorable baby. Two wonderful sets of grandparents; they have a big, lovely house, and clearly they aren't hurting for money.
I mean, this is what life was supposed to be. This is how happy normal people's lives are.
I didn't get to have any of this. My whole family was so, so sick. I can't even stay in touch with most of them. I chose the wrong career and struggled and struggled. I've been terrified of being poor most of my life. When we got married, most of my family didn't even come. I couldn't invite them. My mother had acted so outrageously at my brother's college graduation, I was afraid to invite her.
We had $1000 to spend on our whole entire wedding--dress, cake, rings, flowers, minister, everything. And I was 38 fucking years old! How wonderful it must be to have all these friends, and all this wonderful family to celebrate a wedding with.
And have a baby years later instead of widowed before your seventh anniversary.
And I wonder why I'm still stuck on a loser married guy six years after he dumped me and broke my heart. My whole life has been lived in such emotional poverty I literally am left with nothing.
Really. Six years ago, this guy was all I had left. And, boy, is that sad. I treated this guy better than he's been treated in twenty years ... and I still couldn't count on him. And that was all I had left in my whole, whole life. THAT is sad, sad, sad.
When you don't have friends, when you don't have a family, when you knew you were too mentally unhealthy to ever raise kids and even if you could have, you were too poor to afford them, you spend the last twelve years of your life caring for old, sick, crippled, dying people ... alone ... and then they all die and life leaves you completely alone ...
If I could have made something successful out of my life that meant something to someone besides just me, it still would have felt like my life had meaning. All that energy most people put into children and grandchildren, loved ones and a family and a legacy that will live on after them, I wanted to go into a novel or two that would have had some beneficial impact on people. It was the only dream I had left.
But, no. Apparently not.
And, horoscopes or not, if you-know-who wants to sit and stagnate in his life, then that's what he's going to do. (Because after what I last heard from him, it would have taken an act of God to turn that Titanic around.)
And that leaves me with nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
And then I whale on myself because I can't go on and approach life like a naive little twenty-year-old again, as if none of this happened to me.
Some people are so lucky. They are so, so lucky.
Even if you're poor ... If you have a crowd of loving people who would come to your wedding and dance and celebrate and have a blast because they love you--without acting like crazy narcissists--you are rich beyond compare.
Sad to say, when you're born without a healthy family like this, life doesn't go up from there. It goes d-o-w-n.
And I am about as far down as you can get.
I'm so far down I can't even see daylight over the lip of the hole anymore.
I really don't have any hope that things will ever get better in my life.
When you're born to sick parents, this is how it ends up. I've fought and I've fought and I've fought and I've fought, and this is still how it ends up.
What did I do to even deserve this?
I'm sick of it.
What do you do to make a life like this better again?
I don't think there is anything. I really, really don't.