|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 1, 2021 at 9:15 PM|
So: I left the last couple of messages on here. And I see where this person came on, saw the first one, and scat like light. If he's been back since, I can't pick him out on Google Analytics.
Yet, I keep getting ALL THESE READINGS that suggest I haven't seen the last of this person, and that there is MUCH more to come.
(And I'm like, Yeah, right. After six years ... what married man EVER comes back?? NOBODY.)
Looking at the astrology here, this person is coming up on a PILE of transits that talk about personal growth, finally making progress on old psychological problems, struggles and problems in a longstanding relationship ... the majority of his upcoming transits sound like that. AND ... this fall, Mercury transits our Davison's Mars AND Mars transits our Davison's Mercury ... at the same time.
Communication. Assertive communication.
But those aren't ALL of his transits. He has a couple that sound as if things are just fine. And a few that sound, STUCK.
What I am learning from all this is that this connection is primarily a spiritual connection. And spiritual connections don't necessarily HAVE to be made real in this life. They include a lot of FREE WILL and PERSONAL CHOICE, therefore ALL the possibilities will be there, and you just don't know what the person will choose.
It's nice to see personal growth ones in there, and nice to see a good strong thread of so many of them ... but remember, way back in 2016, when Someone We Know had a good string of transits about getting therapy and doing some serious work on childhood issues that were messing up her marriage, and it didn't happen?
These things DON'T HAVE TO HAPPEN. And it's really important that we understand that, when it's a spiritual connection with a person with a lot of childhood issues they aren't inclined to address. When transits are all over the place, there's a lot of free will involved. And that nobody but the chart owner can control.
IF he showed up, I think that double Mars-Mercury up there is a good bet (and now I see why my reading on May 28 strongly implied fall, but IT DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN.
So that leaves me guessing. Hmm. Kept coming back and lurking, from the time we broke up all the way until last February: Tends toward yes. Disappeared when I posted a message and hasn't come back: Tends toward no. Relationship was six years ago: Tends toward no. Last I heard, marriage relationship was still crappy: Tends toward yes. We didn't hang onto each other; we didn't stay together: Tends toward no. I just had a card reading that said this was completely unpredictable and not controllable at all by me. DUH!
Oy. Who wants to spend the rest of their life like this? Sad to say, folks, if you get involved with a married person, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, this is what it's going to come down to.
And I DO mean DOWN.
Life tends not to give you what you know how to do with. If he showed up, I feel confident in my ability to navigate that situation. (After all this work, let's hope so!)
But, these transits have been going for six years now. I will allow, some three years of them were in the thread where he came back in 2017 and I said yes: so there you go. I had a choice there, I could have used those transits, and I turned the opportunity down, so I just voided a whole string of transits that spanned three years. (And it was a good thing, too, or this year would have been way, wayyy worse.)
BUT WHAT ABOUT AN ACTUAL LIFE?
It's been an awful six years, on the whole. I don't feel like I wasted my time for most of them, because I had a LOT of childhood emotional problems left over to study and solve. And I was doing that for most of those six years.
But I'm kinda done with that. As far as my eyes can see, the relationship is over. Whatever metaphysics may tell us, nothing I can see with my eyes implies that this person is anywhere in my future, ever, ever again.
For a relationship to happen, the person has to actually SHOW UP.
Where does that leave me? Because I don't have anything even remotely resembling a life.
It's been covid-19 and I've been too scared to go anywhere. So, I've basically lived alone on the couch for eighteen months. Being injured and laid up didn't help.
I have no like-minded soul-tribe friends. I don't want to date anymore. (Who would want to potentially put themselves through THIS again?) I've become a lot more realistic about my prospects for a writing career: I don't have any. Next month, I will be fifty-three years old. The time for looking merrily ahead to dating, getting married, and setting up housekeeping is over. I'm looking at old age and decline. Next stop: Nursing home.
It's been hard because my life has been such a disappointment. When you're a kid in an abusive home with a mentally ill mother, at least you're a kid. You can look forward to things getting better when you're older. But I'm too old for things to get better anymore. I mean, come on. What's going to happen to me, other than maybe cancer, or a heart attack?
I don't even really like people anymore, or care to meet anyone. I don't click with most people I meet. And the sheer ugliness I've seen over the last election cycle from people who tend to vote Republican has really sullied my faith in humanity.
I'm basically going to go to the day job, go home, and do chores until I'm too old and sick to do those things anymore, and then I'll be in a shitty nursing home (as long as we don't reelect Dump and he doesn't abolish Medicaid and Social Security), and then I'll get sick with something and that will be it.
Not much to look forward to, is it?
I try to remember that I've finally found a job I can deal with, and that most days the job is good. I try to remember that I'm finally making enough money. Not so much that I'll actually have a retirement, but enough for today and some to put away for tomorrow. I try to remember that I really like where I live. It's CHEAP, which is important these days. It desperately needs remodeling, which I will never have the money to do, but I have a gas fireplace (I always wanted a fireplace and never thought I'd have one), it overlooks a creek and it's beautiful in the summer, and there's a big, beautiful pool alongside said creek, and I love to swim.
If you have to just putter around a small condo and not do much, this is a great place for that.
I need to learn to be perfectly, ecstatically happy with what I have, because I will never have anything else, and I need to appreciate what I have, because I'm going to get old and lose it all one day.
So, I'm trying to learn how to do that. Just being content with what I am and what I have. It's hard when I remember how happy I was once, and what I had once hoped to have. But I have to do it, because one thing my horoscope points out--and I quite agree--is that I had such a shitty childhood I expected wayyy too much from the world to try to make up for the fact that my family didn't love me.
You have to be realistic about what you can have in this life. I'm just an ordinary, fat little muffin of an old woman, and I really can't expect too much from what's left of my life.
But I did an awful lot of work on myself. I've gotten so much healthier than I was.
When you're a little kid, your entire feeling state is based on what's outside of you. Little kids are like, Is my mommy there? Am I safe? Can I play? Is TV on? Cartoons? Toys! And if you take that toy away, I'll cry! Parents have to literally PUT the right feelings into the child.
And to grow up is to grow out of that. When people in nursing homes are happy, it's not because of what's outside of them. It's because of what's INSIDE of them. The older you get, the less the world gives you to be happy about. You can't even be happy about your own body anymore, because it's old and fat and wrinkled and falling apart.
Why don't I just be proud of what I made of myself and content to just have what there is?
It's the only game in town.