|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on July 22, 2021 at 1:45 PM|
Hi. I know I write about studying the occult in respect to affairs a lot and most people believe it's crap.
However, mulling over what a reading says has, on occasion, CHANGED MY LIFE.
I realize now that both of us are working on developing and mastering FEELINGS OF WORTH.
I have to master feeling worthy in what I want to write and put out in the world. But all I ever got was No's. I mean, when your writer's group hates your novel ... oh the fuck well, right?
So, I decided I was all wrong in wanting to be successful as a writer. I had done it partially because I wasn't loved by parents and in a sick family as a child, and I was trying to do something to be GOOD enough for my family to finally love me the way I really am.
I had to blow myself into wanting to be this huge, huge, huge, HUGE success because that's the only way my family would ever forgive me for not wanting to do the job I said I'd wanted to do since I was four.
And I tried, and the world said no, and I tried, and the world said no, and I tried, and the world said no, and I tried and the world said no.
I took this to mean that I was no good. That it was a worldly lesson in pride and in overblowing my opinion of myself. And, partially, it was. I need to understand that I am not J.K. Rowling. I'm just a simply little old lady like all other little old ladies.
BUT, that wasn't the whole story. The fact is, I DO write things of value. I'll never make enough money for that to be my living, but I DO write things of value. I have made several thousand this year so far from that, and I had a chief editor from a website I already belong to want one of my articles only to find out ... Um, I already have an account with you guys ...
But I had given up on myself, and I had given up on writing. I was no good and would never amount to anything. So, when it appeared to me that my person was just not doing his work in his life and I would never see him again, I was doubly defeated.
I had only two things in my life: The hope of that relationship, and the hope of being a writer. And now I had nothing. No hopes. All I had was the day job I will be doing for the rest of my life, and the fact that I'm getting old, I will one day lose my health, and then will come the nursing home, and then will come death.
And I had NO understanding of how to be happy under these circumstances. I thought being healthy meant: 1.) I HAD to accept this person was never coming back, which meant 2.) I HAD to completely forget all about him and find someone else because that's what healthy people do, 3.) I had to accept that I'm just an ordinary person with no talent who should just give up writing because no one wanted mine, so 4.) I had to just cram the life I have now down my throat, because I had to give up on everything else. This guy fell down on the job and will never come back, and I'm really shit as a writer.
And that was really, really depressing. I just have NO energy for life anymore. I'm looking at the life I have without this person and with writing gone and saying, Yuck. And there's no way out of the Yuck. I don't want any other person. I didn't want to do anything else. And all the universe can say to these things is No.
In listening to this reading last night, the thought occurred to me that "finding happiness on your own" didn't mean I had to find someone else because that's what a healthy person would do, or that forgetting all about this person is what I HAVE to do, because that's what a healthy person would do. It just means putting attention on and developing other areas of my life and being happy with those. And it CAN be writing, because clearly it's not hopeless.
And that's what I am SUPPOSED TO BE DOING, and not trying to move on by developing other relationships. I can't do that; I love this person and I don't want anyone else.
I'm not supposed to HAVE a relationship; I'm supposed to be developing my relationship to worth in areas other than relationship in romance or to other people. And I need to go back and examine this aspect one more time. It's good that I got this lesson about humility, but that wasn't the only lesson.
CONVERSELY, my person's work on developing and mastering FEELINGS OF WORTH is in the area of, WITH OTHER PEOPLE instead of in the area of worldly accomplishment as mine is. It's pretty clear as this person is hideously codependent and tappity-tappity-tap dancing to do, do, do, do for adult children and family members, and judging his worth by what others think and how happy he is making THEM.
And we're apart because:
If we were together, I'd be USING HIM to bolster going out and striving in the world with writing. "I can go out and try this because this wonderful person believes in me and if I'm rejected, I can come home and this person will still believe in me." This is what your parents do for you when you are three. I am not three. I am fifty-three. P.S., I DID do this with my author husband. (When you have an award-winning writer believing in you, it helps.)
If we were together, he'd be USING ME to bolster his feelings about his worth in relationship because, as with his family now, he'd be looking at me and measuring whether he's lovable or not based on how I act/react/treat him, etc. etc.
AND WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.
When babies are little, and small children are growing up into bigger children, our brains are not at all fully formed. They are still developing and THEY ARE BEING PROGRAMMED. Babies are born in hypnosis brainwaves and they stay that way until like, age four. Really.
When our baby brains are being programmed, THAT is the stage in which parents can treat us as if we have value and ACTUALLY SUCCEED IN PUTTING THE FEELINGS OF VALUE INTO US.
You can do that with a kid, and the kid will absorb the feelings as his own. The kid will grow up in the feeling of self worth.
When we are adults, we are already programmed. We keep trying to go to other people and "ask" them to program us better than our parents did, but it's too late.
THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN CHANGE THE PROGRAMMING WE ALREADY HAVE IS US.
He can't come to me for feelings of worth. He has to change and develop self-value on his own.
"Am I still worth love if my daughter asks me for money and I say no and she's angry?"
"Am I still worth love if I decide I want to spend the rest of my life in a relationship with someone more giving than my wife and everyone else is angry because my marriage looked good TO THEM?"
"I'm not worth love so I have to do these things, or I won't have anyone at all!"
I can't get feelings of worth from him.
"Well, my SO believes in me so I can handle all this rejection!"
That is what we do when we are six and we don't get chosen for the school play. We come crying home to Momma and she holds us tenderly and dries our tears and lets us know SHE loves us no matter what.
When we're adults, WE ARE MOMMA. WE are supposed to have the capability to do that our own selves ... and, that's why we're apart.
So engaging in THAT is what's meant by, "You need to learn to become happy on your own."
What I've been afraid of is that we'll never see each other again and if I'm happy on my own, I won't care anymore. Or he'll come back and I won't want him anymore. (Not true after six years, but I'm afraid of it anyway.)
Why does it have to be that we come together just in order to learn all these hard, hard, hard, hard lessons ... and that's it. These things never, ever, ever, EVER come back together ... EVEN when the marriage is horrible, EVEN when the spouse has expressed NO interest in changing such that the marriage can be OK ... too bad!
The Universe has dictated that us two are never supposed to be together, and oh, well, boo-hoo.
I'm not happy with the Universe at all over that one. Not at all.
Fine, I'm learning the goddamned lessons! Why can't the love ever work out and the answer always has to be no???
Lastly, WTF is meant by, "This union is divinely protected?" I keep getting that over and over and over. "Divinely protected ... divinely protected ... divinely protected."
OK, it's just to spur you to learn difficult, difficult, difficult, difficult self-reprogramming lessons, he'll stay married forever, and you'll never see each other ever again so you might as well just GET OVER IT ...
But you're "divinely protected."