|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on August 19, 2021 at 12:45 AM|
So I've stumbled onto this YouTube channel where this cute little gay guy does some brutally honest tarot readings. Among some interesting concepts: This is a spiritual connection where the goal is personal growth and becoming healthy, not romance, and only if we heal enough do we get the romance. For Chi, the obstacle is lack of self worth, but for me the problem is this misconception of love as being pining and devotion instead of caring enough about myself to create a happy life for myself. You're just supposed to move on to create a happy life on your own whether this person ever shows up again or not, because if you don't you make them responsible for your happiness, which puts a terrible burden on them (witness the situation he's in now; same thing, right??) and you're just this wounded bird person who doesn't know how to live.
Oh, and "divine timing??" "WHEN YOU'RE BOTH HEALTHY ENOUGH." Which very well COULD be never, because if you're never healthy enough ... then "divine timing" is never.* We're supposed to learn to nurture ourselves and to talk to ourselves the right way first. These pieces are what's missing.
Interesting reading, because the fact is, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY ANYMORE.
How I was "happy" most of my life: I absorbed from my parents that I wasn't good enough for their approval the way I was, so to be loved I had to "do stuff," like choose the career they wanted, make the best grades, and emotionally baby my mentally ill mom. And I hung onto most of that stuff.
Now in later life I see that you can't choose an unrealistic goal like self-supporting as a novelist, because only like five people on the entire PLANET can do that, and not only am I on the brink of old age and never got the kind of breaks I would need, but I'm just not good enough to do that. So making a goal like that and then beating myself up when it doesn't come true won't work.
So I've learned enough to stop trying to make goals in that manner. Which leaves me with the question: What IS the right way to decide what to do in life? What's worth doing? And, since I set aside this idea of "happiness" being success and approval from other people, what does make me happy and how am I supposed to find that?
So all this advice to make myself happy in my own life is nice, except ... I have no idea HOW or WHAT, so I guess I'm just at a standstill here. How am I supposed to do this?? Because workingandworkingandworkingandworking DOES NOT make me happy. Especially if it's on an unachievable goal. I mean, sure, I could pick a goal like "Publish a novel" or "Lose 100 lbs" but I would never get there, and I would be unhappy with the results. IT FEELS MISERABLE TO STRUGGLE AND STRUGGLE AT SOMETHING YOU CAN NEVER, EVER DO.
And I don't want to do that. But figuring out what I DO want to do?? A work in progress, or, more specifically, a work with NO progress. The old things don't make me happy and I've wisely given them up, but no new things are here. Except the same old life in the same old work in the same old job and the same old household chores. What was I supposed to find, here???
I haven't got a clue. I've learned to lower my expectations way, way, way, way, way down. But, when you have ZERO expectations, that makes it hard to set your sights on anything. You know you can't accomplish the lofty goals most people set and then dash themselves on the rocks, so what's the point?
It would be nice to find something meaningful AND fun. But if no one will ever see it, how can it be meaningful? And at this point in my life, I've worked and worked and worked and worked myself to death for so long, I don't even know what fun is anymore.
All of these are truths, prompted by a tarot card reading by a cute little gay guy, so don't say tarot ain't worth nuthin.
*Interestingly enough, I keep hearing that this is "divinely protected." Meaning, we will accomplish the goals we meant to in this lifetime. So ... that would imply ...
Categories: What About Tarot Cards?