|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on September 8, 2021 at 11:35 PM|
Looking along the long vista of transits I've researched, we're reaching the point of no return pretty soon, here. Even other people's card readings are saying the same thing. The next six to eight months are the fork in the road.
We've gone so long without speaking, we're on the point of just giving up on this connection. Which would make sense to anyone; I know I am. I mean, let's face it: When you haven't seen someone's face in six years and haven't spoken to them in four, it's reasonable to assume you will never see or hear from the person ever again. Especially when every time you catch them lurking and you post them a message, they run. And then you don't catch them lurking (that you can be reasonably sure of) for six whole months.
This is the fork in the road. Either someone's bold enough to speak, or we just lose hope and give up.
We have more transits for getting back together than we do not (many more, in fact), but, every outcome is there. Including the one where I really am alone for the rest of my life. (It's only one transit through 2024, but still).
Card readings are all over the place. I get everything from "This person really wants to come back and is just afraid to speak," to "This person still loves you, but this is just too much for him, he can't do it, and you're going to have to be healthy, give up, and learn to walk on alone from now on," to "This can come back together again, but someone's going to have to talk up, and it's going to have to be you."
And, you know, I can see how all of these can be true. Simultaneously.
I don't want to lose him forever. I don't want to lose him forever because I was too afraid to speak.
Yet, I can't speak to him.
His last words to me (well, his second-to-last words to me) were that this marriage wasn't his north star, but because he was afraid of being disowned by his family, he was choosing to stay there. That registers with me as, "I am choosing to stay married." The reason does not matter. Choosing to stay married is choosing to stay married.
I cannot hear from a married man that he is choosing to stay married and contact him again without his permission. I don't care what however many oracles say, they might be wrong. I don't think so, but they might be, and if they are and I speak to him again, I have no idea what I'm disturbing over there. I could be distinctly unwelcome, or my message could be discovered and cause a lot of trouble. So, even when I'm advised to, I can't speak to someone whose second-to-last communication was, "I intend to stay married."
Yet, I don't want to risk losing him forever when things might have worked out, because I was afraid to speak up. What to do?
And the only reason I can write that at all was the last thing he said to me: "I love you."
If it's still true, and I have reason to believe it is, I have to do something. It's very seldom that tarot cards tell you to act.
So, I did the only thing I could do. I did a facebook search to see if he's posted any photos. There's only one I am allowed to see. It's a meme. I'm sure he photoshopped it himself. It's funny and witty and so HIM.
I "liked" it.
That's all I can do. I can't speak to him. I can't post him anything. I can't email him, and I sure as fuck can't call him. This is the only picture he's posted that I can see since January, and all I can do to get his attention is "like" this photo. That's all I can do.
I've left him things on my "other" profile (the one I used when I was dodging political arguments on facebook with my brother.) I know he used to read that feed all the time, because he told me so, and also because that's how he found this website. I posted her yods tab information link, and I'm pretty sure that's how he found this place.
I've had a copy of The Age of Innocence forever. I once had a whole dream of what life with him would be like--which I've now put aside, because one should never prescribe someone else's whole life for them. That's controlling. Real love just enjoys the person for what they are. But one part of that dream was reading old classic books together, and watching old classic movies. I grew up with my nose in a science book and I missed out on so many things that formed our culture. But he is so well-versed in so much classic literature, movies, and so much eclectic music, I always felt like a dodo next to him. I always dreamed that he'd teach me, and we'd enjoy these things together as I learned and made up for all I'd missed.
When it became clear we weren't going to be together, I reasoned if I wanted to know more about these things, I'd just have to do it by myself. And I passed a copy of this book and bought it. It's been lying dusty on the floor ever since, waiting for me to read it.
This week, for whatever reason, I picked it up. I had no idea how appropriate the subject matter.
Today I finished it, and then I watched the movie.
I put a link to the movie up on facebook, together with the message. "You can still turn around." If he sees my memory jogger and then he looks up my facebook page, he will see this message and know I'm still here and that it's okay to contact me if he wants to. That's all I can legally do. I can't do any more to reach out. If he notices the like and he's tempted to scroll my facebook page (he doesn't come here anymore), he'll see what I hope will be an unmistakeable message.
I hope he does. But, I can't expect much, since he's been scarcer and scarcer online, especially over the past six months. He may have seen my "Resources" post and believed I was mad at him.
All I can do is hope.
Today, a week away from the first "window" I might expect to be contacted in, I spread my own card deck out on the floor and did my own readings. Me, him, her, for the next year.
And got the same message I have been getting since the beginning of this year. All that really changes is the timeframe, as the specified dates inch closer and closer.
What are the odds of that?
This message always tallies with the dominant line of transits in the astrology, which makes me happy.
But, it doesn't have to happen.
We might know before Halloween. Or, possibly, the six weeks of May 2022 into the first half of June. Beyond that, it's highly unlikely we'll ever see each other again, because we're already into the window of time where that should be under way if it ever will be.
I've said these things before. However, it's clear to me now the 2018-2019 transits were part of the timeline we would have gotten if I'd said yes back in October 2017. This is a different window.
It's also the last window. We would finally get together in 2024, but that could never happen without things being set in motion for that sometime very, very soon. Divorces, as we all know, take time.
I will say those readings made me very, very happy. But, I need to be prepared for them not to happen.
What is my life going to be like if they don't?
I have to say, probably not much. I'm doing pretty well on Medium right now; I've made several thousand this summer. But, infidelity is a niche topic and I really can't expect to make lifechanging money or change careers off that. I could if I were a licensed therapist, but I'm afraid my degree is in the wrong field. And there's only so much of that kind of thing I can write anyhow.
I have given up on ever being a published novelist. My novels are bombing on Wattpad. If you can't give it away free you sure can't sell it, and why go through trying to self-publish and sell something no one in my writer's group liked, that no one on Wattpad reads?
So, whatever the rest of my life will be, it won't be writing.
The very thought of dating makes me want to puke. NO, I do not want to spend hours of dull time interviewing strange men for the position of "boyfriend." I had my husband, I had Chi, and I'm spoiled for other men. I suppose there could still be one very, very special one out there somewhere who isn't married who could hold a candle to these two. But, if there is, I am not going to go looking for him. I really can't imagine such a person and I don't want him enough to go through all that crap. No, thank you.
As far as I know, I will be stuck in the house alone indefinitely. Covid is here to stay and I don't want to get sick. I probably got exposed a week ago. So far, I'm fine, but I'm older, and I am fat, and I have a cardiac arrhythmia. I'm scared of getting covid even though I am vaccinated, so that means I will probably be in the house by myself or trying to get some exercise outside ... by myself ... or trying to grocery shop socially distanced ... by myself ... for the rest of my life. Due to the general idiocy of the human race, I expect covid will be here forever and probably become more and more deadly. So, that's pretty much the end of any kind of life for me.
I've pretty much started old age early. I'm only fifty-three, but I've already got the old lady body, the old lady lack of energy, and the old lady stay-at-home, shut-in lifestyle.
At least I live in a pretty place to be. My old condo is hideously run down, and sadly I will never have the funds to remodel, but the place I live is wooded and on a creek, and we have a lovely pool surrounded on two sides by trees. From one of the tables you can see the flowing creek. The trees screen out the apartments on the other side of the creek pretty well and it's almost like living in the woods. What I can't do remodeling I've spruced up with white string lights and a little water fountain I love.
Today it rained, poured rain, and from where I sit on the couch, it's like looking out at a forest in the rainstorm. I think that the rest of my life, until it's nursing home time, will be like that ... sitting alone admiring the sun in the trees or the rain coming down outside. Going to work for as long as I'm able, doing simple chores in the house, and being glad I live in this natural setting. Spending the rest of my days in simple contemplation.
What a far cry from the life I used to hope I'd have! But, in the end, this is all anyone really has. If they're lucky.
If he doesn't come back, I have to find a way to make this simple life of chores and solitude be enough, and not to be sad any more. Sadness won't do any good. If the window passes and it's clear he will never come back, I have to accept the life and the things I'm given. I won't be a writer. I'll end my days in the work I've always done. I'll do simple chores and admire the view outside until social services notices I'm too old to care for myself any more and carts me away.
The good thing about it is that I won't have to try anymore. I can't be a writer. End of story. I can stop struggling now and stop being sad about it and beating myself up. I don't have to do that any more. I can put that away. I can't win Chi. End of story. I can stop struggling now and stop being sad about it and wishing things were different. I'm in the life I have now, until I die. There's nothing more to struggle and strive for. If I can ever retire, I can just put my head down and rest.
Once I've dusted and run the vacuum, of course. Then I can just lie on the sofa, put my head down and rest, admire the beautiful trees outside, and wait for the end of my life.
Fifty-three turns into seventy-three and eighty-three in the blink of an eye, anyway.
I gave both writing and this person the best that I had. If other things got in the way, or my best wasn't good enough, I'm sorry.
Now it's time to stop torturing myself over things that can't be changed and just live whatever I have left.