|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on September 15, 2021 at 7:35 PM|
Either: The cards and the major line of transits are all right, he really does miss me, and he’ll let me know that either in the next 45 days, or approximately a six week window in May-June of next year… or that’s just incorrect and it will never happen.
I’m betting that it will never happen. I haven’t caught this person lurking online (that I can reasonably prove) in over six months. The far more likely scenario is he just realized all he was doing was upsetting me and leading me on, he knows he will never leave that marriage, he decided to quit checking on me because it was just causing problems, and now he’s hanging his head alone in his in-law suite hitting himself with a pain stick or something. “Now I ruined her life, too. Boo-hoo, I’m just no good, I always knew I was no good, blahblahblah …”
I hope not. Since I’ll never see him again, I really, really hope the reason is they finally came to Jesus. He kept after her about pushing to have more his way; he kept after her about being more responsive and actually showing feelings and knowing what they are; maybe they went back to counseling. Maybe he actually came clean and said something like, “You know, I was so unhappy I really thought about leaving you for someone else.” Maybe she really did become more honest in showing feelings this past year and they really will revitalize their marriage and spend the rest of their lives together happy.
One can only hope.
However, my guess is more than likely not. There was just no pressure on that woman or that marriage to change. And, unless most people have a very compelling reason to do all that difficult work, they stay in their comfort zone, do what’s always worked for them, and things stay the same. Especially when you have an entire close-knit extended family working overtime to make sure everything stays in their comfort zone, too. (“Not happy?! What are you talking about?? But you're my daddy, you've always been happy!” )
And we know this guy is a COWARD. Coward, coward, coward. The whole world could come down about his head and he’d never do anything to risk his family’s approval, especially his daughter’s.
Truth to tell, if codependents like this had even so much as one tinytiny sand grain of their own approval, they wouldn’t need so much of everyone else’s.
I expect that this is over, and you will never see me write on here about hearing from this person ever again.
Frankly, I don’t believe anything in my upcoming transits is going to come true. Not the good stuff, anyway. Supposedly, I was to have some kind of renaissance year with writing next year. I doubt that very sincerely and am on the point of giving that up permanently.
I was supposed to have had some grand idea and worked and worked and worked and worked. Well, I had the grand ideas, all right, but I’m assured my novels are nothing special. I don’t get good comments on the last one AT ALL. Where is there any sign whatsoever that I’m any good and should continue?? There isn’t one.
I’ve done better on Medium. Considering that there’s some six million people subscribed to it, to be in the top 1000 writers is an achievement I’m proud of and something I always wanted to do and despaired for two years of ever doing. My infidelity publication on there is the best collection of writing on the subject, I think. And fuck knows, with a sleazebucket like “The Scarlett Letter” on there, they needed something thoughtful and inspiring.
But it’s never going to be lifechanging money. I will never be able to quit my job doing that. In fact, I’m kind of running out of ideas. As time goes by and I get used to living all alone and never expecting to hear from this guy ever, ever again, this will all just fall away. Soon it will be ten years ago, I will have forgotten all about it, and I won’t be writing about this any more.
Supposedly some “big opportunity” was supposed to arrive. I was supposed to see or receive some opportunity and take it, and it was supposed to work out wonderfully and make me very happy.
I do not see this opportunity. I do not have this Grand Idea. None of my grand ideas has worked out, and I think it’s time I stopped disappointing myself by having them.
Nothing is going to work out for me that hasn’t already worked out. If I’m ever going to be happy in this life, I need to radically change my self-concept from some larger-than-life person with some ridiculous call to glory to a very simple little old fat lady, living a very simple life of day job, chores at home, and my own physical care. Maybe I can read a little from the classics or watch some old movies from time to time.
That’s going to be about it.
This whole past twenty years has been one long exercise in humility and in finding out I’m not who I thought I was. I made up a prettypretty story about how extraordinary I was going to be because I had chosen a career that didn’t look like a good fit and was terrified I wasn’t going to make it. I needed a way to keep family proud of me. Because they didn’t love me, so being proud of me was the closest to it I was ever going to get, and remember, inside I was still six. And I needed to be a huge, HUGE success in order to feel good about myself, because I could never feel good about anything as a pudgy old lady doddering around the house doing chores and that being the extent of my life.
Well, guess what! It’s the extent of my life!
And, you know what? It’s pretty much the extent of every old person’s life and the way human beings spend the end of all their useful days on this earth. (Except most people had kids, so they have grandchildren and family.)
Then come the days when we can’t take care of ourselves anymore, and life shrinks even more. Then we just sit, and others have to feed, dress, and bathe us.
And that’s where I’m headed.
And I just have to accept that.
The best thing I can do for myself now is shrink my mind to fit my circumstances. Because my circumstances were never going to enlarge to fit me. It’s time I understood that, and made myself very small and very humble and very simple.
What other choice do I have? If some “opportunity” is out there for me, that I’m actually good enough for and can do, it’s going to take sharper eyes than mine to detect it.
Humans really are tiny, simple creatures, after all. Dust we are, and dust we shall return.
It’s best if we give up impossible expectations and realize that.
So, goodbye, Chi. Forty-five days from now, I will come on here to report that I never heard from you. And you are out of my life for good.
Goodbye, dreams. According to tons of transits coming up in 2022-2025, Something Big was supposed to have happened. I’m pretty sure nobody’s going to notice me in some name publication or on a bookshelf somewhere, at any time in this life.
My only job was to accept these facts and stop being upset about them.
So, I’m going inside to prepare dinner now. And I accept that this is my simple life.