|Posted by The Thinking Other Woman on October 8, 2020 at 9:25 PM|
I was in so much better a mood when I started that last post. For a short moment, I could see my life as so much better than I've been seeing it, and I could feel happy. But, I had to be somewhere, and I had to stop writing, and I couldn't get back to it, and ...
I had to go back to work. And I was there all by myself. And it was like that for three days. And my days were d-r-a-i-n-i-n-g. And I dragged myself home, and I was all alone.
And I would remember dragging through the door drained every night when I was married, and having my wonderful husband to come home to. No matter how shitty my day was, when I got home he would be there, and whatever else I had to do, I'd get home and the lights would already be on, and he would be there to hug me and greet me and be so glad I was home, and we'd be making dinner and talking about whatever video we put on, or whatever he'd written that day. Or whatever happened during my day.
Or I'd get home first and I'd be in the shower, and halfway through my shower, he'd be there pulling the shower curtain back to greet me with a kiss. And I would know that whatever shit I had dragged myself through that day, this was the reason. And if I didn't feel like going to the gym or jogging or spending hours making a healthy raw diet or whatever it was I had to do, doing those things would help me stay healthy and this was why I wanted to stay healthy.
For the first time in my life, I had a home. I had a real home, and something wonderful at the end of the day to look forward to.
Now I drag myself home and I'm drained and there's nothing happy there. I'm all alone. And I have the memory of years ago when I came home and there was a reason for all this that was happy, and goodness was always waiting and I was grateful. Now I go to work and it's draining, and I come home and it's draining, and everything takes it out of me and nothing puts anything back.
And I just have to sit here and remember that it all used to be different. And I'm old, so it won't be anymore.
And of course, I also remember that if things had gone differently with Chi, it didn't have to be this way.
(Of course, I know that isn't true. I understand now that he isn't well enough for having him to come home to, to be anything but a problem. How could that be, when a person--*plink!*--is completely unaware of their own feelings the living instant they sense you aren't on the same page? How could that be if they start putting themselves down the living instant you disagree? How could that be if they immediately defer to you, pretend they're okay, and then spend the next five years growing resentful, and then they talk about it to complete strangers while pretending to you that everything's fine? And they're depressed all the time, but you don't know it until everything blows sky high and ruins your life? That is not something to come home to that you can count on. That is not something that will make you happy. But with a person like this, it's highly probable.)
But this person was all I had. And now I have no one.
And on nights when I come home from yet another blah day, this really isn't helpful to me. At all. Neither is remembering the days that were so much better than this.
I'm exhausted. And it's like, What's the point? Even though I can appreciate that so much has gone right for me that hasn't/doesn't go right for so, so many other people ... it still isn't good enough.
And that's why I still, still, still, STILL
need to grow up from childhood.
As a tiny naked baby, two-year-old, five-year-old, you can't do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G for yourself. Including having feelings of the emotional fullness of just being alive.
Picture this. The baby lies alone in its crib. It wakes up; but no one comes. It feels hungry; but no one comes. The baby wets itself and cries; but no one comes.
When no one comes, the baby can't do anything. All it can do is lie there, feel empty and miserable, and cry.
Only a baby waits for a parent to come into the room and fill it up with good feelings. The rest of us can get up ourselves.
Normally, I hate conservatives. I really do. They insist that every person is basically all alone in the world, and should not get anything they don't work for themselves. The rich, of course, are completely free to exploit people, but the poor person is completely on his own. This attitude totally ignores the fact that some places, there are no jobs anymore. Some people had shitty rotten childhoods with shitty rotten schools and no money and they can't "better themselves" without some help. Some people got evicted and now they're on a downward slide of no home = no job = no opportunity to get their hands on money = no money = no home. Racism plays a part. Conservatives ignore all of this, and I hate that.
However, it would seem that the Universe, not materially but emotionally, is conservative.
We may actually need people to help us materially in life, but emotionally and spiritually we're supposed to be evolving into strong, single, solitary people who can do everything we need emotionally for ourselves.
We're not supposed to remain a baby in a crib, utterly emotionally bereft unless our parent comes in in the morning, croons a happy good morning, and picks the baby up. When we're babies, someone else coming into the room is the sunshine that lights our world. Without them, there is no sunshine. Without them, there is nothing.
But when we're adults, we're responsible for everything in our lives, all by ourselves. We're supposed to provide the meaning, we're supposed to provide the happiness, we're supposed to provide the purpose, we're supposed to provide the energy, all and everything we need, with no other people, no help at all.
We can't be waiting around for someone else to come along and fill us up. We are supposed to fill ourselves up with ourselves, and not with someone else.
Now: This guy was supposed to come back. EVERY time I do a card reading, it STILL says that. And this agrees with the astrology. But, you know what?
Even if there once was a "soul contract." Even if we really did plan all this before we were born, as some spiritual traditions suggest. Even if it really is reflected in the stars, as astrology teaches. Even if this is when it was originally supposed to be, and this is why I can't do a card reading that doesn't say this:
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN.
This is life on planet Earth. Anything can go wrong. OK, so something happened, and now it's all off. Maybe they went back to counseling. Maybe they got back together. Maybe nothing ever changed, and he's so beaten he's going to just go belly-up and they're going to spend the rest of their relationship in stagnation. Sure looks that way, doesn't it? It doesn't matter. I last heard from him three years ago; he never came back; it's over. Period. The end.
(For their sakes, I hope they got back together. Who wants to spend twenty-five years and then the whole rest of their life in miserable stagnation with some person they're afraid to leave, putting on an act for the fam?)
But, you know what? It isn't my business anymore. If he doesn't come back--and he hasn't, and it's almost the end of the year--to make it my business again, it's not my business. I'm alone with work and chores and that's my life, and that's what my business is. It's my only business from now on.
The fact is, I am alone. I'm fifty-two. Healthy, compatible people aren't there. It doesn't look as if anyone ever will be again. I am not a baby in a crib.
I am not supposed to be utterly dependent emotionally on other people. There ARE no other people. And when we're in the nursing home at 87, not able to do very much but sit, contemplate, and wait to die, most of them don't have other people, either.
I'm supposed to learn to fill myself up with myself, not collapse emotionally because no one is here.
If all people could do is collapse without others, there'd be a lot of people unable to do anything, feel happy, accomplish anything at all, as long as they were alone. And that's not the way humans are supposed to be. We're supposed to evolve from emotionally helpless babies to completely healthy, emotionally self-sufficient adults.
The fact is, I have to do this work even if the cards are still right and the guy shows up. Because I know that even if he did show up, he's still not ready, and he's gone again by the first of the year. And I'm alone a-n-y-w-a-y. So I will STILL have to do this work.
Chances are, the guy is gone forever anyhow.
So why not just forget this person, and skip straight there?
This is an awful weight, because I have no energy with which to tackle it. But I have to, because there's simply no other choice. How is a person supposed to do this, with no energy and pretty much no outlook for anything that's much good from now on? All I have to look forward to is work, chores, aging, and the nursing home. There's nothing much positive there to work with.
But, I have to anyway. Oh, well.
This is why I scoured the astrology for so long and hung on and tried so hard not to give up on him. Because I tried to find other people, and he did show up three times before when he was "supposed" to, and I hoped I'd find another makeshift family eventually, but other people never worked out and they never worked out and they never worked out and they never worked out. And now it's covid 19, so who can even meet anybody? Who can even go anywhere?
And who would want to meet me? I'm so sick of life, and so sick of disappointment, and so sick of people, I have nothing to offer anyone anymore.
If I knew I was completely alone in life forever more, and might as well never bother remembering anyone from the past ever again, because that's all over and all it does is make me sad, and I just had to fill my own life and thoughts up completely on my own, what would I even come home from this draining job and do?
How could I even come home from shitty days like these and feel happy at all? Since I pretty much do expect nothing from life now. And there's nothing at home but more work.
(I mean, really. Who could realistically expect anything much from life after the way all this shit turned out?)
I'm not going to buoy myself up on silly childish daydreams about how I'm going to be An Author someday. I know those things don't happen. Dreams like that give a person a lot of energy, but when they don't come true they cost more energy and happiness than they were ever worth. That's not a good way to try to power yourself through life.
What is? THAT is the question.